Money Talks...

It's taken me several days to write about all that has happened with my Mam-ma recently.  I arrived at her house on Friday in time to dispense her medicine for the next 2 weeks.  As usual, there were some days where she had failed to take everything as dispensed.  That is getting to be a common occurrence... although some weeks it's worse than others.  This week, she had not taken her noon-time meds.  I handed them to her and she said, "It's because I didn't eat dinner (lunch in the South)."  "You didn't eat dinner?"  "No, I snacked, so I never sat down at the table."  At least we confirmed she had eaten... and she took the meds.

I mentioned to Mam-ma that I had seen her friend Ruby at the hairdresser's.  I was there to get a pedicure... some post-birthday pampering.  Mam-ma immediately said, "I sure need to have my feet seen about... they are awful."  I said, "Well, we need to get you set up for a pedicure."  She said she could not afford it, and I told her, "It costs $25.  You just got a gift card from your bank for $25... you could use it for a pedicure."  She opened the envelope from the bank and looked at the VISA card.  She did not understand why she had received it, and I explained that the bank had recently revamped their online banking, and this was a gift to customers to compensate for the inconvenience.  I had received one, and so had she. 

"This would be a great use of your money," I suggested.  She sat down at the kitchen table where I was working and looked at the contents of the envelope and then said, dejectedly, "Well, I suspect I'd better spend that on groceries."  I stopped and looked at her and said, "Mam-ma... two minutes ago, you didn't even know you had this $25.  You have plenty of money for groceries.  This is 'found money.'  If you want a pedicure, this would be a great way to pay for it... and a good use of your gift card."  She didn't say anything else about the pedicure, but she asked how to use the card. I explained that she could use it at any store... the grocery store, Fred's, Wal-Mart... just hand it to the clerk, and he/she would handle it for her.  She tucked it into her purse and said, "I'd better put this in here where I will know where it is."

I finished with the medicine, and we started gathering everything for the trip to the beauty shop.  I always check her doors to make sure they are locked, the stove to ensure all burners are off, and the coffee maker to see that it is unplugged.  She checks her purse to make sure she has enough to pay the hairdresser, we get her garage door remote opener, and we head for the garage to collect her walker and load into the car.  As we were walking out the door, she said, "When I get back, me and Ruby are going to eat a meatloaf sandwich and sliced tomatoes."  I told her that sounded good... and it did!

While Mam-ma got her hair done, I ran some errands and bought her groceries - milk, buttermilk, candy, and a loaf of bread (the cheapest loaf of white bread Wal-Mart sells).  When I picked her up at the beauty shop, a friend of hers was there, and I asked, "Was Verna getting a perm?"  "No, she was getting a pedicure."  I told Mam-ma I didn't realize her hairdresser did pedicures, and she said, "Both of them do."  I said, "Hmmm... I wonder what they charge."  "$25," came the reply.  So she had asked!  I suggested she should consider getting one some Friday.  No response.

Mam-ma had given me a Wal-Mart gift card and asked me to "find out how much money is left on this."  I told her, "By the way... there was eleven cents left on your gift card.  It's in my purse."  "Eleven cents," she commented... "well, you can just keep that!" She said it as if she had just awarded me a bonus of $1100!  WOW... thanks!  Then she asked, "Did you ever buy new kitchen stuff with your birthday money?"  I was surprised she remembered that but not some of the other events of the week.  I told her yes, I had just purchased some things - that I had not felt well enough to go to the store before then.  She was very pleased with my purchases.

We got home, and I unpacked the sack of groceries and headed for the door, telling Mam-ma that I had frozen groceries of my own that needed to be put away... it was terribly hot and things were not staying cold long.  I said, "You and Ruby enjoy your meatloaf sandwiches."  She looked rather sad and said, "Well, I don't have a thing to go with them."  I couldn't believe it.  I had just come from the store... I could have bought anything she wanted/needed... and I was not going back now!  I said, "You told me you were going to have meatloaf sandwiches and sliced tomatoes."  She said, "That's right... but I don't have anything to go with them."  I replied, "Well, I'm sure you will figure out something."  I didn't know what else to say.  I said good-bye, and as I headed out the door, she said, "Call me sometime!"  I nodded "okay" and left.

The next morning I went to an auction, and when I returned, there was a telephone message - a pitiful voice saying, "It's just Mam-ma."  I called her back... but got no answer.  I guess she was out with Ruby somewhere.  I left a message, and later she called... "I didn't really need anything... but I need a ride to a birthday party for my friend next Sunday." 

Mam-ma's friend, Lois, will be 101.  Mam-ma has gone to her birthday party for the last few years now... always a bar-b-que lunch at a local campground the woman's family owns.  Mam-ma has wanted me to go with her for years, and it's just never worked out.  For one thing, I have food allergies and must be careful what I eat.  Mam-ma does not understand this and tells me, "If you'd just eat what you want to, you'd be fine."  So she will not understand if I go and don't eat.  At any rate, I told her I know of no reason I can't take her this Sunday, but I would have to check with Greg and see if there is anything I'm forgetting.  She said, "Well, I knew you would have to do that!"  I don't know what she meant by that, and I didn't question it.

She also told me that the person who called to invite her said, "If you don't have a ride, we'll send someone for you - we just don't know who yet."  So it's not like she can't go to this party if I don't take her.  I asked what time she wanted to go - they will start serving lunch at noon.  She said, "Well, I'd like to go early and visit with Lois."  I don't know how they visit - Lois can not hear well at all... and Mam-ma is not far behind her.  So that should be interesting.  Here's a picture of them taken by my friend, David Baker, at last year's party.  Lois is on the left. I think that is a great-grand-daughter in the middle, and Mam-ma is on the right.

Every day is an adventure - and a challenge.  Mam-ma has yet to mention her trip to pick plums and the scare she gave everyone to me... nor did she remember anything about my birthday except to ask if I spent her gift money on what I told her I was going to buy.  I will be shocked if she lets go of that $25 for a pedicure... and I am not going to force her to do so.  If it didn't go as she hoped, I'd never hear the end of it.

I'm learning to sort of roll with the punches... and as long as she is relatively safe, I'm letting Mam-ma pretty well do as she pleases.  It's easier for both of us.  I never know what will happen next... but then, with Mam-ma, that's really nothing new!

I Guess I Forgot...

Last Saturday, my mother e-mailed me to say that my grandmother had given half the family a royal scare.  To back up just a bit, as we were leaving for the beauty shop on Friday, some dear friends of my grandmother drove into the driveway.  The man is a deacon in her church and they are so good to her; however, he is very ill and taking chemotherapy, and he could hardly get up the steps and in the doorway - and he was DRIVING!  They had brought Mam-ma tomatoes that they had driven down on the river to pick.  They realized we were leaving and hurriedly left, also.

Saturday, my sister took Timothy and went visiting - first to my mom's, and then she planned to visit Mam-ma.  She phoned Mam-ma around noon and told her that she was coming by in a couple of hours for a visit.  Mam-ma's friend Ruby then called and invited my grandmother to go visiting with her at one of the nursing homes.  Mam-ma declined, and told Ruby that my sister was coming by for a visit.

So when my sister arrived at 2:00, the house was locked tightly, the garage doors were closed, and no one would answer the doors.  It concerned my sister, and she called my mom, who called Ruby.  Ruby did not know where my grand mother was, and she related to Mom that Mam-ma would not go to the nursing home with her because she knew my sister was coming for a visit.  So Ruby went over to my grandmother's, and she could not get anyone to answer the door.  Now everyone was frightened.  At some point my sister took the baby home, and my mom and her husband went over to my grandmother's, because they had a house key, and they fully expected to find her dead or injured inside.  The only odd thing was that Mam-ma almost never closes her garage door during the daytime hours if she is home.

Mom and Lee unlocked the door and went inside - and all through the house - and Mam-ma was not there.  But her oven was on and chicken pieces were cooked to a crisp - Mom declared them "inedible".  While they were looking through the house, Mam-ma returned... with her friends from Friday.  They had been somewhere to pick plums.  This couple came by and invited Mam-ma to go, and she dropped everything and rode along - totally forgetting that my sister was coming by... or that she had chicken baking in the oven.

I think Mom and Ruby both fussed at her pretty strongly.  She called my sister four times in the next 12 hours to apologize.  She also called my mom and apologized.  They all assured her they were over it.  But coming on the heels of forgetting her purse at Fred's, this is disconcerting.  And frankly, I was more upset about the oven and the chicken.  However, I had told her the day before that she did not need to ride with this dear man who is so ill and shouldn't be driving, and she said, "Oh, I won't!"  Well, you see how long that lasted!

Tuesday, when my grandmother called us to say that the grocery store had called her again about the check that was not signed, she told my husband, "I have been so upset."  He asked why, and she started telling him about the incident on Saturday.  My husband can do more with Mam-ma than most people, and he stopped her and said, "I know all about that, and you need to get over it.  Nobody else is still upset about it.  Move on.  Your grand-daughter will visit again."  She meekly said, "Okay."  She has yet to mention the incident to me.

A friend who is a social worker with geriatric patients in a hospital setting said, "You need to disable her stove!"  I told her... "Mam-ma would have a dozen deacons over there the next morning trying to fix it."  My friend replied... "Put a note on the back, 'Do not repair this stove!'"  That would never work.  As long as Mam-ma is living at home, she is going to cook.  I am really trying to "let go and let God" on this one... I know He will work this out... and better than I ever can.  I am trusting that He will do so... He just hasn't told me yet how He'll manage it!

Another Mistake...

Last Friday, I shopped for Mam-ma while she was at the beauty shop.  I was not brave enough to venture to Wal-Mart.  Let me explain... we live in a resort community that hugs a 40,0000-acre lake known for its clear water and recreational opportunities.  It beckons people far and wide to come for a visit and a swim, jet-ski and/or boat ride, and more.  And they do... in droves... especially on the July 4th weekend.  An early morning trip to Wal-Mart had done it for me.  I was not going back for a dozen eggs, some milk, and a couple of other items.  So I shopped downtown in a neighborhood grocery store.  My total bill was $14 and some change.  I grabbed the groceries, picked up my grandmother and returned her to her home and got her settled.

July 4th is my birthday, so Mam-ma had a card waiting for me, with cash inside.  She always wants to know what I plan to do with the money, although right away she says, "Now you buy whatever you want with that."  I told her I had decided to buy new kitchen utensils... spoons for cooking, a good sharp knife, and maybe a cutting board.  She said, "Well, that sounds just fine."  Knowing her love of cooking, I figured that she would be pleased.  I thanked her again for the card, said "Good-bye," and headed home.

I was barely in the door when the phone rang - Mam-ma... "Well, I thought *I* was the only one who forgot things."  I asked her what I had forgotten.  She replied... "You forgot to sign the check at the grocery store.  They called me and I told 'em you would call them."  I told her nobody said anything about signing a check... and some places, it's all done electronically and a signature isn't required, so it never occurred to me that I didn't sign the check.

I had my receipts, but I told her I would call, and I reaiterated that *I* had not made the mistake... that honor belonged to the store clerk!  I did call the store, and the person I spoke with wanted me to come in and sign the check.  I told her I was not coming back that day... but I might stop on Sunday on my way to church and sign.

As it turns out, I got some sort of nasty virus and became really sick Saturday night.  By Tuesday, I felt just well enough to dress and drive to the grocery store to sign the check.  My husband said, "By this time, they will have deposited it without a signature."  They had not, and the clerk said, "I called her, and she said you were supposed to have come in Sunday and signed this."  "You called my grandmother again?"  "Yes, this morning.  She said you do all her shopping."  I explained that yes, my grandmother will be 98 this fall, and I did not want her upset with this, and the woman said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know... I've been calling people all weekend.  You are not the only person who didn't sign their check, and many of them were for a whole lot more than your amount!"

I shook my head and left... grumbling that now, not only did Mam-ma think I screwed up initially... she would be upset that I had not taken care of this on Sunday.  Mam-ma did not remember to call me on my birthday, so she had no clue I was in bed, sick with a virus.  And just as I suspected... by the time I got back home, she had already phoned to complain about the check, and my husband had assured her I was at the store at that moment, providing the signature.

This seems like a small thing, but if you are caring for an older adult, you know that they zero in on things like this.  So months later, long after you have forgotten the incident, your loved one says, "Well, you've made another mistake!" - the comment my grandmother tossed at me one day when she thought I had bought her the wrong bra size. (see archives).  There are enough day-to-day challenges without these little added "delights."  Okay, so the grocery store clerk didn't know she was phoning a little old lady about a $14 check... but c'mon people, it was a $14 check!  Were two phone calls really necessary?  If that clerk only knew...

Fodder for the Blog

Whenever something happens lately with my grandmother, I've begun shrugging and saying, "Oh well... fodder for the blog!"  So last week, a dear lady in our community passed away at the age of 102.  Charlsie Baldridge Little was an iconic figure in our community and a tremendous role model for women everywhere. 

Widowed on Pearl Harbor Day at the age of 33, Ms. Charlsie reared two young sons alone, supporting them as a school teacher who made $100 per month!  She managed to stretch that money enough to take summer vacations and introduce her sons to culture and art... such as opera performances they attended by riding a bus some 65 miles to Little Rock. 

Mrs. Little left her sons with their grandparents for a couple of summers while she attended graduate school at Peabody (part of Vanderbilt University) in Nashville, Tennessee.  For a woman to have a master's degree in the late forties/early fifties was rare, particularly in the South... but not if you were Ms. Charlsie!

After retiring in 1973, Mrs. Little formed a local county historical society. She traveled to Little Rock to the state history commission each week to gather data and research family trees.  She also authored a book for the 100th birthday celebration of our community's First Baptist Church - Upon This Rock. Her daughter-in-law, Barbara, (who was my piano teacher), declared Ms. Charlsie to be "a force to be reckoned with" - and she was that and more. 

My mother remembers being in second grade and thinking she would take her cousin's collie dog to school with her.  She envisioned Bing lying beside her school desk, much like Lassie did in the movies.  But when she got to the front door and started inside, her principal - Ms. Charlsie - told her sternly, "Get that dog out of the school house!"  And of course, she did.  She said as a child, she was afraid of Mrs. Charlsie... and one can understand this, because Mrs. Little was so pragmatic, all-business, frank, and yes, stern!  But she was also a model of decency, propriety, and order.

I explain all of this to say that I telephoned my grandmother to see if she wanted to go with me to Ms. Charlsie's funeral.  She did not... she was going to visitation the night before with my mom, and that would suffice.  She added... "I didn't know anything about this until today."  I told her I had assumed her "network" of friends would have let her know right away.  "Well, they didn't," she retorted.  I laughed and said, "They are falling down on the job."  She answered, "Yes, you are!"  I added that I was referring to her Sunday School members, with whom she speaks almost daily.  It was lost on her.

Friday went smoothly... for the most part.  We went to the beauty shop, and I bought groceries.  She had Lysol on the list, and I bought a can of spray... she needed liquid for disinfecting the toilet.  I suggested she get some the next time she and Ruby visited Fred's.

Speaking of Fred's... when Mom took Mam-ma and Ruby to the visitation for Ms. Charlsie, they were getting in their car afterward, and Mam-ma said, "Ruby, do you know where my purse is?"  Ruby asked, "Did you leave it in my car?"  Mam-ma replied, "No, it's at Fred's."  This was Thursday evening... Mam-ma and Ruby had shopped at Fred's on Monday or Tuesday.  Apparently Mam-ma left her purse there, and the store clerks tried to use a phone number inside to contact her, but it wasn't working.  We think maybe it was my sister's old land line number.  Anyway, one of the clerks said, "I know where she lives, and I go by there on my way home.  I'll stop and tell her the purse is here."  I guess they felt that was better than taking the purse, in case Mam-ma didn't answer her door. 

So the clerk stopped and told my grandmother that her purse was at Fred's.  My mom and her husband drove by the store on their way home from the visitation and retrieved the purse.  Mom looked inside, and everything appeared to be there - including $23 in cash.  Mom chastised Mam-ma about being careful... and not carrying a lot of cash in her purse!  Everyone remarked that only in a small town such as ours could something like this happen.  In a major city, nobody would drive to a little old lady's house to let her know her purse had been left.

Mam-ma chalked it up to forgetfulness, but this was the tip of the iceberg.  On Saturday, my sister phoned my grandmother and told her she was coming for a visit.  This was around noon.  Ruby phoned afterward and asked my grandmother to go with her to the nursing home to visit friends.  Mam-ma said she could not... Suzanne was coming for a visit.  My sister stopped at my mom's house for a visit first.  She had baby Timmy with her, and they stayed a half hour or better and arrived at my grandmother's around 2:00 p.m.  The house was locked up tight, and no one would answer the doors.

Naturally, this frightened my sister.  She phoned my mom, and Mom checked with Ruby to see if perhaps Mam-ma was with her.  No, Ruby was at home alone, but this worried her.  Of course, Mom assumed the worst. So she and her husband grabbed their house key and hurried to my grandmother's.  I'm not sure if Ruby came along or not.  Anyway, Mam-ma was not dead in the floor as anticipated... she was not there.  But chicken pieces were baking in the oven... almost burned to a crisp.  Mom said they were rendered inedible.

While Mom and the crew were searching the house for my grandmother, a truck pulled up.  In it were Mam-ma and her friends from church, the Barbers.  They had been to pick plums.  Mom fussed at Mam-ma for leaving the chicken in the oven... she forgot.  She phoned my sister later and apologized for forgetting she was coming.  I don't think it has fully registered with her the gravity of forgetting in such a short period of time all that had transpired... and leaving food baking, to boot.  All she could think about was getting plums to make jelly!

At first, Mom didn't think this really bothered Mam-ma at all.  But she has now phoned my sister at least three, maybe four times to apologize... and she has phoned my mom and her husband once.  She couldn't believe she forgot.  Neither could we.  So there is a pattern developing... and it's not good.  We are all forgetful, but when cooking is involved, the stakes are greatly elevated.  I am not sure how we will deal with this, but we are probably going to have to address it at some point... particularly before "peanut brittle making season" rolls around again.

I know God takes care of these situations in ways we cannot, and I am praying He does this for us.  Ms. Charlsie lived in the nursing home for eight years.  I am not sure Mam-ma could last there 8 weeks.  She would be so miserable.  I love my grandmother dearly and don't want to lose her... but if "the day" comes when she is inside her home when we unlock the door, that will be fine by me.

The Heat is On...

In case you are unaware, it's hot in Arkansas right now - REALLY HOT!  Grass is turning brown and crunching, some spots have had torrential rain while others have had none, and the "dogs days of summer" came about a month early this year.

None of this has deterred my grandmother, who told me, "I just hate for my yard to look bare."  For the record, bare would NEVER describe my grandmother's yard, and to make sure of it, she has been watering her flower beds and vegetable garden.  She claims she starts early - like 6:00 a.m. - but the humidity is so high here that even at that early hour, it's hard for someone her age, and with her health issues, to breathe.  So I should have known what was wrong when she told me yesterday, "I'm not real steady, and I can hardly go." 

On the way home from the hairdresser's, I mentioned that I would have to water our yard if we didn't get an afternoon thundershower.  Mam-ma replied, "Well, I watered and watered this morning, and now I'm give out."  ("Give out" is her term for being exhausted.)   AHA!  So this explains being unsteady and not being able to go!  Anyone half her age would be sacked out under an air conditioner after such a workout, but at 3:00 p.m., in 99-degree heat, she is trudging to my car for the ride back to her house and who knows what else!

Oh, and the air conditioner service call?  She got it... and the bill was sent to me... PAID IN FULL!  I called to inquire, and the receptionist said, "Oh, it's no problem...we can do that for her.  She's just so stinkin' sweet!"  I stuttered and sputtered and thanked the woman and said, "Not always, but thank you!"  She assured me that my grandmother was "so cute" and "knew my grandmother," and I realized... there is no telling what Mam-ma said to this girl.  I can hear it now... "Sugar, I'm just a poor widder woman... how much will this cost me?  I'm not sure I can afford it, but I sure need to have my air conditioner."  Or, "Honey, I'm on a fixed income, so I don't know how I'll pay for this, but I need it!"

I told my mother that I look at these things as "fodder for the blog," and I wondered aloud what I will do for material when Mam-ma is gone.  My mother said, "Oh, I don't know - I just hope your mother doesn't provide it!"  Somehow, I think I'll be just fine.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Timmy came yesterday morning early and stayed until mid-morning today.  This afternoon was "beauty shop" day and errands.  I went from a morning of diapers and chasing a toddler to an afternoon of Ensure and folding up my grandmother's walker!

My grandmother's grocery list included vinegar.  I just bought her a half gallon of vinegar either last week or the week before.  I said, "Now, I'm just asking... but whatcha gonna do with all the vinegar?"  As she shuffled slowly across the room, she said, "Well, I thought I might make pickles."  She has grown the cucumbers in her little garden.  I didn't say anything else - but I bought another half gallon of vinegar!

There are No Safety Tips for Pole Bean Planting

My mom said she sat by my grandmother during the opening service at her church's Sunday School.  A deacon (who is in his 80's) slid a bulging envelope into Mam-ma's hands, and she quickly stuffed it into her purse as if it were diamonds!  It was pole bean seeds!  Mom said he began to tell Mam-ma how to plant them, and she said (I'm sure rather curtly), "Oh, I know how to plant them!"

For the record, summer has come early to the Ozarks.  It's 95 in the shade, with humidity almost that high... and a heat index well above 100 degrees.  The last place my nearly 98-year-old grandmother needs to be is puttering in her yard, much less planting pole beans.  I feel quite certain she has had my cousin (who has a heart condition) plant them for her, as he tends to planting much of her summer garden now.  But she did go out and water her plants and ferns last week, much to Mother's chagrin.  She said they needed watering!

When I did errands last Friday, Mam-ma said, "I talked to a friend, and she asked, 'Have you seen the baby lately?'  I told her 'No... GREG was supposed to bring him over to see me, and he never did.'"  Now, my husband did stop by to visit my grandmother one day (totally his idea and unbeknownst to me), and he did tell her that he would bring the baby by sometime when we were keeping him.  BUT... last week, my sister took the baby by for a 2-hour visit with Mam-ma, and the next day, the baby came to our house.  We did not see the need to return to Mam-ma's with said baby in such short order.  I reminded Mam-ma of this, and she said, "But Greg didn't bring him."  So you see, there is no pleasing her.  And I had to laugh - neither my husband OR my sister got credit for a visit and bringing the baby!

Summer is upon us, and I'm quite sure that it will mean phone calls for us to come pick up fresh vegetables... those grown by my grandmother - but more likely, the bushels and bags full that she will request from friends and church members.  She recently called one evening and asked if I wanted fresh lettuce.  A man in her church had just brought her a big bag full of garden lettuce... and my grandmother cannot eat lettuce!  Rather than refuse it and let him give it to someone who can eat it, she accepted the gift.  I had just bought lettuce that day, so I had all I could use.  I think she told my sister she tossed lettuce in her back yard - probably to lure the baby rabbit that ate her first crop of beans so she can have a chance at nabbing him!

Somehow, the "Ten Steps to Easier Care of Your Senior Adult" phamplet (see post below) did not have a section for preventing your grandma from gardening!  Maybe it should have... if you figure out how that's done, let me know!