Serving a Purpose

I know...it's been a while since my last post.  Frankly, I have wondered just what I am supposed to say here, now that my Mam-ma Polly has passed.  And yet, it seems that we are still very much in the middle of the "Sandwich Generation" as my mother-in-law nears her 9th decade of life.  Each week brings a new ailment of sorts...nothing all that significant at this point, thank goodness...but little aggravations (for her) all the same.

The children have come to understand that on any given Sunday, "Grandma E" may not be able to attend church with us.  At first, this upset Timothy...and he was very concerned about "Grandma E" (who is very much a beloved "great-grandmother" to these children)and why she didn't come with us.  But as time has passed, he has seemed to accept that there are good Sundays - and those that are not so good - and he and Zola appear to be more readily accepting of the latter.

At the same time, one of our sisters-in-law, Laney, is dealing with the challenges of her 95-year-old mother's placement in a skilled care nursing facility (3+ hours away in another city) after she suffered a stroke and a fall.  One evening shortly before Christmas, Laney e-mailed me to describe what she felt was a very disturbing incident.  Laney's mother cannot see, but she persuaded someone at the facility to call her daughter.  When Laney answered, her mother went on a rampage...she could not stay at this facility any longer...she could most certainly not be there for Christmas...she just would not have any of this...Laney absolutely HAD to do something.  Laney mostly listened...and when she hung up, she was totally rattled and upset by the call.

As I read the message and heard what Laney's mother had said, a sense of familiarity washed over me.  I quickly replied to my sister-in-law and told her, "I am no doctor, but I am fairly certain that you have just described a TIA (mini-stroke).  I am betting that things will be totally different tomorrow...and your mom might not even remember that she called you. At the very least, I'm betting she will be subdued...and possibly even very tired.  Mam-ma Polly did this same thing SEVERAL times."  I offered some advice about how to respond to these rants...and I shared with her some wonderful advice that a dear elderly friend of mine once gave my mother..."One day, all of the 'bad stuff' will fade away, and you will be left with only good memories."  I also told Laney that I miss my grandmother terribly...that I would even settle for one of her rants - just to hear her voice again.  Quite literally...this, too, shall pass.

Laney responded quickly and thanked me.  She expressed how much it helped to hear from someone who had "been there, done that".  She had not considered a TIA, but once I mentioned it, she felt I was probably right...and knowledge is power.  Understanding that this might be the culprit helped to answer her question of "Why would Mother do this?" - and that seemed to set everything in the proper perspective...and prepare her for any future "surprise" phone calls.  And just as predicted, her mother has not mentioned the phone call at all.

It felt good to help...to share what I had learned in a positive way...and to reassure someone else that "you are not alone in this." And while Greg was with me every step of the way in my journey with Mam-ma Polly, there have been times recently when I have reminded him of incidents in connection to situations with his own mother.  We have found it helpful - and somewhat comforting - to remember these things and say, "Oh, yeah...that's not so unique after all.  It may be screwy and frustrating - but not so unusual!"

Today, I spent some time talking with one of our dearest friends, whose mother is rapidly declining and in need of skilled care of some sort. We have known and loved this person since childhood.  So he feels comfortable sharing his concerns and frustrations with us about his mom's situation. 

My heart breaks for anyone going through these tough experiences.  But at the same time, I am glad that I am able to offer some encouragement - and maybe a helpful piece or two of advice.  If sharing anything that we experienced with Mam-ma Polly or my maternal grandparents during their nursing home stay and decline can be helpful to someone else, it somehow makes me feel like all of that serves some sort of purpose.

Choosing a facility for your parents/grandparents IS a daunting task.  Navigating their phone calls and confusion and frustration is highly stressful and frustrating to the caregiver.  Dealing with administrators, government agencies, banks, lawyers, doctors, and realtors is daunting and can make one's head spin!  Having someone who can say, "This is what I did" or "Here's how we handled that...and why" or "My mom did the same thing" can be so helpful. 

I cannot "fix" any of these situations.  Try as I might, I could not fix my grandmother's issues...and I knew all along that I was not supposed to.  I did the best I could, which is all anyone can expect.  But sometimes, we don't even know what THAT is, on our own.  The helpful support and encouragement of a friend who has walked this road can be incredibly comforting.  Or at least I hope it is. 

So I feel like I am serving a purpose...and reaping SOMETHING good from all that we have experienced already.  I told our friend who called that our situation felt crazy at times, but in the scheme of things, it was not that troublesome.  Mam-ma Polly was healthy and relatively well until about 36 hours before she died.  She never became combative or violent, as some do.  She had her "moments"...but it could have been so much worse.  And I thank God for this grace and mercy!

I would like to think that as my mother-in-law and my own mother age, and possibly decline, I would handle these situations with calm and confidence.  But I know better.  There is nothing fun or easy about watching your parents age and decline...much less dealing with the issues that often accompany this.  But as I told our friend, we are not alone.  We're all in this together.  And hopefully that counts for something!

If you wish to share your own situation and circumstances...or to "vent"...feel free to contact me via this blog.  We ARE all in this together...and you DO have people in your corner.

Getting Your Face on a Smucker's Jar...

When it appeared fairly certain that my grandmother would live to see her 100th birthday, I did a GOOGLE search for Willard Scott and found his website and the requisite forms to complete for submitting Mam-ma Polly's name for consideration as one of the centenarians featured on Willard's segment during NBC's "The TODAY Show."  Sponsored by Smucker's, the celebrants' photos are superimposed on a Smucker's jelly jar label, and Scott tells a little something about the honoree. The information on the website stated that the forms had to be submitted at least six weeks prior to the actual birthday.  Since Mam-ma's birthday was November 5th, I sent the forms in early September.

The information also stated that either we would receive a phone call to let us know that our centenarian would be featured... or the honoree would receive a card in the mail.  Neither happened.  Shortly before Christmas, I cleaned off my desk... and I threw away all paper work related to this endeavor.  I decided I must have failed to complete the forms correctly or something. 

December 22nd, our telephone rang, and Caller ID said the number was "PRIVATE".  Since this is what shows when the Hospice nurses call, I feared the worst... but I answered.  The caller was a gentleman from Willard Scott's office.  He apologized for the delay, explaining that they were behind on airing the segments, but my grandmother was scheduled to be featured on Monday, December 24th, between 8:00 a.m. and 9:00 a.m.  He asked about our time zone, and I told him we were on Central Time.  He explained that the segment would air on the East Coast between 8:00 and 9:00 - and repeat for us the following hour.  He said, "Set your DVR for 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m."  I set mine for 7:00 - 11:00!!

So I let EVERYONE know!  I made sure all televisions at the facility would be turned on and set to the appropriate channel.  My mom let the church administrators know, and they made a BIG SPLASH about it Sunday morning at Mam-ma's church.  I think everyone in our community of about 7,000 people sat glued to their TVs Monday morning... along with family members and friends from coast to coast.  And Willard Scott was not on.  They did segments on all sorts of things, from ugly Christmas sweaters to revealing the sex of a baby expected by an Olympic volleyball champion... but no Willard Scott.

So we regrouped and set the DVRs for Christmas Day.  This time, Scott was on... and a long segment aired, featuring several centenarians... but no Mam-ma Polly!  Would she ever be featured?  That afternoon, the phone rang again, and the same man apologized and said they were still very behind, and he thought that Mam-ma's segment would air on December 26th.  I told him how disappointed we were, and he kept saying, "We have no control over what they do... the segments are pre-recorded, and we don't know when they will air."  So we regrouped once again.

Wednesday morning, a friend posted on Facebook that she was spending the holidays in New York City, and she had just seen Mam-ma Polly on Willard Scott's segment!  So I started letting people know that we WOULD see the feature.  Sure enough, somewhere around 8:30 a .m., Central Time, Willard Scott's birthday feature aired... and there was Mam-ma on a Smucker's label!  Soooooooooo... in case you missed it... here is my Mam-ma Polly... now forever known throughout America for her peanut brittle!  I hope you enjoy it!  (Watch all the way... she's almost the last one featured!)

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Micro-management or Loving Care... How Do You Tell the Difference?

I am sorry it has been so long since my last post. To say that this has been a hectic and stressful week would be an understatement. The hospitalist agreed to keep my grandmother over the weekend so that she could be re-admitted to her apartment at the ALF on Monday and placed in Hospice Care. I met Monday morning with the Hospice director, the ALF administrator and R.N., and the Hospice R.N./Caseworker. We reviewed the care plan for Mam-ma and agreed that she would do only as much as she fel like doing... and that our goal was to keep her happy and comfortable for the rest of her life.

To say the weekend in the hospital was uneventful would be a lie. For starters, I arrived Saturday morning around 9:00, and the aides said, "She didn't eat much breakfast." I immediately knew why as soon as I saw Mam-ma ... she wasn't wearing her dentures! I told the girls... "She doesn't have in her teeth!" They sheepishly disappeared, and the ward clerk scrambled to find something in the nutrition room that we thought Mam-ma would eat. Then she realized the food cart was right beside the nurses' desk, and Mam-ma's virtually untouched tray was still there. She retrieved it and warmed the scrambled eggs and biscuit in the microwave. I fed Mam-ma, and she ate all of her eggs and half a biscuit with jelly - once we put in her teeth, of course!

I think one of the hardest things for me was that Mam-ma did not know me for several days.  She seemed to recognize me, but when I would ask, "What's my name?" she would shake her head and say, blankly, "I don't know."  Same thing for her own name.  Friday evening, she knew Greg by name... and then my cousin Amanda.  But it was late Sunday evening when I asked again, and she knew my name... and she was able to give her own name on Monday.

Saturday morning, the therapist came to do some exercises, but when she and the nurse lifted Mam-ma from the bed, Mam-ma virtually collapsed in dead weight, and they just sat her in a chair. The therapist, who is a friend whose grandmother is Mam-ma's contemporary, mouthed from behind Mam-ma... "You're doing the right thing" (meaning Hospice). That made me feel more confident in my decision.

Sunday was horrible. Mam-ma required several "brief" changes, and the nurses were always so kind.  But sometimes it was an hour after we rang for help... and that is just too long - even if you are understaffed.  So I had to make a few trips to the desk to remind someone I needed help!

By the time Sunday ended, my grandmother had suffered through several hours of severe gas pains that left her screaming in discomfort. She was unable to eat her dinner, and I discovered that while we were at lunch, Amanda and her dad had come, and Mam-ma had sent them home with some harsh words... she had a messy diaper and was embarrassed, and she told them in some pretty colorful language to go home. So they did. Another cousin came before dinner, and she helped me with Mam-ma for a while... managed to feed her some applesauce... and Mam-ma finally settled down and seemed to stop hurting around 7:30 p.m. I hugged her and promised, "I'll take you home tomorrow." She frowned and said, "Debbie, I'm worried about you.  You're doing too much."  I explained that I was only doing what she needed, and I would be okay.  Later, as I kissed her goodbye, she cried and said, "Oh, Sugar... you've done so much... you are just so precious." I left in tears.

I came home and tearfully told all of this to my husband... who had been there with me for part of the afternoon drama... and he said, "You are overly tired. It will be okay." I was... and it is... but that was a rough day.

Monday, I arrived at the hospital, and the aide met me and said, "She hardly ate anything this morning." I took one look and said, "I can tell you why - she isn't wearing her teeth again!' This was another aide, and she said, "But it was pancakes and scrambled eggs!" I replied, "I don't care... she's not gonna eat without her teeth!" So the nurses ordered another tray and apologized profusely. This is "Nursing 101!" The charge nurse said, "If you were staying another night, I'd make a sign that said 'Be sure to check for her teeth before feeding!'" After meeting Monday morning at the ALF with Hospice and ALF staff, we got Mam-ma settled back in her apartment by late afternoon. No less than six aides, a nurse, and an administrator swarmed the hospital van to greet her when she arrived. That was such a great sight... I knew we were truly home. I spent more than an hour with the Hospice nurse and social worker, filling out paper work and getting things in order. It was another long day.

Mam-ma seemed to do well on Tuesday... a Hospice aide came and bathed her. She has a hospital bed, a wheelchair, bedside toilet, and oxygen if needed. The four days per week that the ALF staff doesn't give her a bath are covered by Hospice aides who come and bathe. Mam-ma was concerned about me "doing too much," so I told her I would stay home on Wednesday and not visit. Honestly, my house was so dirty and messy, and I could not rest until I knew it was in some semblance of order. It never felt so good to clean a bathroom or dust and vacuum! I made potato salad and spaghetti sauce to freeze for quick meals and just basically caught up on things that had been neglected for nearly two weeks.

Thursday, we had a Mother's Day luncheon at the ALF. I had told the administrator that my sister and I would attend - and if Mam-ma could not attend, we would sit with some mother who had no one there to sit with her. When we arrived, Mam-ma had been bathed, and she had on pajamas - even the pants! Her favorite Hospice aide was there, so I didn't question the pajamas... although she had worn hospital gowns up to that point. We asked if she felt like going to the luncheon, thinking she would say no... but she said yes, and she wanted to wear her nicest suit! So the aides dressed her, and off we went.

Looking back, this was a huge mistake. Mam-ma smiled and looked beautiful... and many came to the table to greet her. But she barely ate, and she didn't have a clue about where she was or what was happening. Back in her room, she immediately fell asleep in bed... clothes and all. A short time later, an aide got her up to curl her hair, since she didn't feel like going to the beauty shop for her regular appointment.  This was all just too much for her.

During lunch, the activities director stopped by our table and told us that Mam-ma had come out to the dining room and played BINGO the day before. This was news to me, and I was quite shocked. I knew the nurse had told me she wheeled Mam-ma to the dining room a couple of times... but she had also told me that Mam-ma did not get up for any meals on Wednesday. I'm not sure exactly what she did. But the bottom line was that I realized that the staff had put Mam-ma right back into her old routine and was pushing her to get back to her "old self." I didn't know what to do, but I figured she was pretty close to "hitting the wall."

I was right. Friday morning, the Hospice nurse called me and said, "I've just seen Polly, and she is totally out of it. She cannot stay awake... she is lethargic... I don't know what happened!" I did! I explained how much that Polly had done last week, and the nurse told me that this had to stop. I agreed... but how? She told me that I needed to contact the administrator and discuss this with her... and I did... and we agreed that Mam-ma takes meals in her room, stays in her hospital gown, and only gets up for a little while each day and sits in her recliner - at least for now. She is still in a lot of pain, and only 14 days out from a major surgery at this point. Plus, she is less than 6 months from being 100 years old!!! Because Mam-ma looks so much younger - and generally acts it... and because the staff loves her so and wants her well... they were really working to rehab her back into shape!

So I'm getting some dirty looks and have had to go back and reiterate to a few that we are NOT pushing... that "less is more" in this case. But we seem to be getting there, and I do think this is the best thing for my grandmother. I am not willing her to die... nor giving up on her. I am managing her care. There have been times when I have called about something or gotten involved in a detail here or there, and my husband has suggested that perhaps I am micro-managing her care and causing myself undue stress. The Hospice nurse assures me that I am not... that I am simply loving my grandmother and making sure she is taken care of. It's hard to know how to balance this... and what can slide and what is important. I'm in some uncharted territory here (at least for me), and I am doing the best I can.  When I visited today, a new shift of aides was on board, and Mam-ma had been to lunch and was dressed in pajamas again.  So I had to "educate" them on the plan... apparently the word about her care plan did not get to them.

One aide seemed to question my comments... I told her and another aide that the doctors feel that even with therapy, Mam-ma most likely will not walk again, and this aide said, "Oh, I disagree!  They don't know Ms. Polly!"  Maybe not... but I do, and she is almost 100 and 14 days out from a major surgery.  For now, at least, bed rest, meals in her room, and no wheelchair rides is the way to go.  I did consent to letting Mam-ma wear her pajama tops instead of a hospital gown.  She says the gowns "choke me."  So she can wear the tops and a robe when sitting up in her chair... but wrestling on a pair of pajama pants is preposterous for someone in her condition!

I am so thankful for Hospice. I told someone that Hospice is as much for me at this point as it is for Mam-ma. I needed their support and guidance. I needed to know that someone who knew more than I will manage her care and help me with all of the decisions. And I needed someone I could call (besides a family member or friend) who was an expert... and who could be my sounding board.

At this point, we are day-to-day... or is it minute-to-minute?! Things change constantly with my grandmother, and I'm not anticipating anything at this point - good or bad. I'm trying to let things happen, and be prepared for whatever comes next.

Meanwhile, our little Timothy celebrated his 3rd birthday Sunday. We sent lots of wrapped gifts, and he had a big day with his family. We're hoping to hear from him firsthand soon about all of the festivities and get his reaction. I wish we could have been with him for this celebration... but at the same time, I'm so glad he is with his mother right now and not factored into this mix! God knew I couldn't handle both... and He was right!

Does Anybody Really Know What Time it Is... Does Anybody Care?

When I took my grandmother to the cardiologist last month, I wrote about the mix-up in scheduling and how the doctor's office contacted my grandmother's ALF about her appointment. So when I arrived at Mam-ma's apartment to help her dress for her appointment some 45 minutes later, she was already sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, where she had been transported by the ALF driver.  The end result was a very long wait... and an exhausted grandmother.  I spoke to the nurse and a couple of other people and told them that I was the only person they should contact about my grandmother's appointments.  I gave them my mailing address and my telephone number.  I told the nurse, "The only phone call Mam-ma should get is the one to check her pacemaker by telephone."  She assured me this was handled.

Last week, while looking for two letter openers that Mam-ma insisted someone in the ALF had stolen (yes, we're back to that again... and yes, I found them very near where she normally keeps them), I found some mail that had been delivered to my grandmother at the ALF.  In it was a letter from the cardiologist's clinic telling Mam-ma that her pacemaker would be checked by phone in a couple of days - at 11:30 a.m.  I brought the letter home with me and tried to call the person listed on the letter as a point of contact.  I got an answering machine and left a message, asking her to please telephone me.  She has yet to call.

The day of the pacemaker check, I arrived at Mam-ma's appointment about 30 minutes early.  I wanted to get her device out of the drawer, help her get set up, and be sure we were ready at 11:30 a.m.  We were ready well before this time.  The call never came.  At 11:40, I began using my cell phone to try and contact someone to determine why we were not called.  After three phone calls, several "run-arounds" and returns to the switchboard and messages to three separate "in-boxes," I still had no answer.  However, in these messages, I had stated that "We went through this last month, and someone on your end arbitrarily decided that my grandmother did not need to have her pacemaker checked and canceled the call.  It's now almost noon and time for her lunch, so unless you call immediately, the box is going back in her drawer."  To my knowledge, no one has called, and it's been three days.  I left my cell number for call-backs... no one has called.

However, while waiting, I did find another letter... this one telling of a physical pacemaker check on February 15th at our local hospital.  I told Mam-ma, "We'll deal with this then.  Clearly your pacemaker is working just fine.  Don't worry about it."  We put her testing device back in it's box and returned it to her drawer, and I walked her to lunch.  I cannot understand why something so simple has to be so complicated... and why there is such a level of ineptness that is so widely accepted these days.  At this point, I am picking and choosing my battle, and a telephone pacemaker check was not high priority to me, so I'm letting it go.

The last two weeks, Mam-ma has seemed to make steady gains, although she doesn't show them much to me.  Last week she spent a few days in bed, for the most part... or so she said.  When I questioned the nurse, I discovered that on at least one of these days, she had zipped up and down the halls all day, gotten her hair done, and had a pedicure from the visiting podiatrist... none of which she volunteered on her own.  And indeed, for the most part, her speech does seem slightly better.  At least she can get out a few sentences from time to time.  And Mam-ma is eating well, according to a table-mate and friend who is much younger and has taken quite an interest in her.  So we are coasting at this point... aware that all could change in a heartbeat.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, my brother-in-law and his wife visited last week, and my sister-in-law is now dealing with the aftermath of a fall suffered by her 95-year-old mother, which occurred shortly before Thanksgiving.  The fall resulted in an arm broken at the wrist and above the elbow, and now this lady is in a nursing home for rehab while the breaks heal.  A couple of weekends ago, she became belligerent, upset and confused... and later it was determined she had suffered a mild stroke.  My sister-in-law is realizing that it may not be feasible for her mother to return home after rehab.  We talked at length about her options.

During the conversation, my sister-in-law mentioned the mountain of paperwork.  "Yes... I know," I replied.  She mentioned a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR), and indicated that her mother does not have one - nor a Living Will.  I was astounded.  I told her that even my husband and I have Living Wills.  And I learned recently that DNR is not the same as a Living Will, so now both are in place for my grandmother.  Given that, I still must tell every doctor and nurse, "Polly is a DNR."  Apparently this information does not always carry through on the records, and my grandmother would not want to inadvertently be placed on life support.  My sister-in-law reasoned that her father had neither of these, and "they just asked us what we wanted to do, and we told them."  However, she lives nearly four hours away from her mother.  I pointed out that she very well may not be there when something happens to her mother - just as with the stroke - and by the time she arrives, life support could already be in place.

So my admonishment to everyone is... get these documents signed and in place NOW!  We never know what is going to happen, and this could save tremendous stress and heartache in the long run.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Speaking of paperwork, I got the re-evaluation papers to complete for keeping my grandmother in the ALF with Medicare/Medicaid coverage.  In essence, everything I provided last year had to be provided again... the investigation goes back five years.  So while I sufficiently proved last year that she qualified, I had to prove it again this year.  This meant that I had to fill out five forms and provide copies of a current bank statement, proof of her pre-paid funeral plan, and documentation that we had surrendered her life insurance policy.  The only thing I did not have to provide this year was receipts to prove we "spent down" her assets to under $2000, because we did that last year, and she doesn't have any money left!  If she makes it to this time next year, I will have to do all of this again, so I kept copies of everything.  Just so you know... this is an annual event! 

In the scheme of things, I cannot complain. I am so grateful to have my grandmother at the ALF, and it wasn't nearly as bad or as time-consuming as what we went through last year.  Additionally, the case worker who was so horrific last year is no longer evaluating admits to the ALF in our county, because of the volume and severity of complaints lodged against her.  So I am told that this process should be fairly smooth sailing this time around with a competent caseworker.  Let's hope so!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As I visited with my sister-in-law, she expressed several frustrations, all of which are normal - and common.  In particular, she said her mother was complaining that she was not happy and wanted to go home.  I advised my sister-in-law that her mother may never truly be happy again, and the best thing she can do is to make sure her mother is well cared for and do what is best for her - and for herself.  Unless she plans to move back in with her mother, she has to do what is going to make sense long-distance... and ensure that her mother's basic care is well-managed.  An ALF may make the most sense in that regard.  And should her mother be placed where other friends from her community reside, my sister-in-law might find that she is happier there than she will admit.

At the end of the day, I told my sister-in-law, "Your mother is no longer in control... and quite frankly, neither are you!  You must do what is best for all concerned and be satisfied with that."  Believe me... I'm learning this the hard way.  I told my husband the other day after talking with my grandmother, and then her nurse - and hearing two conflicting reports - that I feel fairly certain that Mam-ma is "playing" me... but I'm not sure whether she even realizes it any more.  There was plenty of time when she knew good and well what she was doing, but now I am not so sure... and it really doesn't matter.  The worst of it is that I don't know when she is truly in need, so that makes it hard to gauge how to respond.  For the most part, I just sound sympathetic, pat her hand and hug her, and tell her I'm sorry... and it will all be okay.  So far, that seems to be working fairly well.

I'm also learning to make time for myself... and make no apologies for doing so.  I get in my almost-daily workouts.  I've spent several days lately sewing... making clothing for little nieces and nephews.  I've even read a few books in recent months... something that had slid way down my list for a long time now.  I miss Timothy and his family terribly, and keeping busy helps.  And I am actually making more frequent visits to my grandmother's apartment.  The difference is in my attitude.  I do what I can while I am there, and I "leave it at the door."  I've advised my sister-in-law to do the same, just as I was advisedby someone this time last year... knowing full well it is far easier said than done.

I have come to the conclusion that the only salvation we have at this point is to stay diligent about paperwork and preparation... to try our darnedest to stay one step ahead of the bureaucrats and our loved ones... and to work hard at maintaining some semblance of a life - and preserving our own sanity.  Some days are better than others!

What do Six Days, Five Doctors and Fifteen Pounds Have in Common?

The answer to this question can be answered in two words... Mam-ma Polly! 

When Timothy went back to his mother in Texas, Greg asked me, "What will you do with your spare time?"  It didn't take him long to get an answer!   Tuesday, December 6th, the nurse at Southridge phoned me at 4:00 p.m. to tell me that Mam-ma's blood pressure was high.  She said "I am going to give her the five o'clock blood pressure pill now and check her again in an hour, when it has time to work.  If she still has a high reading, I told her she has to go to the ER."  A little before 6:00 .m., the nurse phoned and said, "It's not as high, but it's still up there, and I think she should go to the ER.  She doesn't have any chest pain, but this reading is too high."  The top number had dropped from 167 to 142.  I don't know what the bottom number was, but it had been 104, I think, at 4:00 p.m.

So I gathered my purse and jacket and headed to Southridge to get Mam-ma. The nurse would have called an ambulance if I'd asked, but I figured I could get her there faster, and she seemed well enough to get in and out of the car.  It was "spitting snow," but we didn't have far to travel - less than 2 miles.  I drove Mam-ma to the ER, and I helped her get inside.  There were a few patients, but not many, and we were in an exam room by 6:30 p.m.  Her blood pressure now was something like 198/112, which didn't surprise me... but it stayed that high the rest of the evening.  The doctor assured me she was not having a stroke or a heart attack, but when asked, she did say she had shortness of breath.

The doctor ordered an EKG, a chest x-ray, blood work, and a urinalysis.  Sometime around 11:00 p.m., he said the x-ray showed fluid around the heart and a little in the lungs.  His diagnosis was mild CHF (congestive heart failure), and he said, "I'm going to give her IV Lasix and admit her.  She will need a catheter so she doesn't have to get up... we don't want to risk a fall."  I really liked the ER staff... especially this doctor, who we have seen before. He seemed to totally "get" Mam-ma - the fact that she is 99, and how delicate the balance is in her system.  I was quite surprised at how swollen her legs were.  She has had swollen ankles off and on for six months, but now her calves and even her knees were swollen.  The calves were red and shiny and looked like bratwursts that would burst if you stuck them with a pin!

Mam-ma's wonderful nurse got the catheter in and collected 400 ccs of urine.  Then she started the IV Lasix.  By the time we took Mam-ma upstairs to a room, it was midnight - and there was another 1300 ccs of urine in the bag.  The ER doctor said, "She is in incredibly good health for someone 99 years old, and we want to get her back to that and keep her there."  It looked like we were on the way.

By the time I left the hospital, it was just after midnight, and over 2" of heavy, wet snow had fallen... and it was still coming down hard.  Fortunately we live less than five minutes from the hospital, so I did not have trouble getting home - once I got all the snow scraped off my car windows!

I was back early the next morning to wait for the hospitalist.  I had been told they were on duty from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., and I didn't want to miss this doctor.  He arrived somewhere around noon, due to icy roads, the nurses said.  I did like Dr. Quintinar, and he said Mam-ma was doing well - progressing.  About 3300 ccs of fluid had been collected.  Dr. Quintinar told me that he would not be back this week... his associate would see us on Thursday.

We did see a new doctor on Thursday - I was there at 10:00 a.m. - Dr. Lewis arrived around noon and started making rounds, getting to Mam-ma's room around 1:30.  He said he was ordering oxygen, and Mam-ma would have to wear it permanently to help with breathing.  No oxygen was ordered, and the next day, I asked him, "What about the oxygen?"  "Oh, yes... " he answered... "Oxygen... we will have to see if she qualifies for it."  This meant a test to see how she walked up and down the hall with and without oxygen.  The nurses said she did great... she did not need oxygen. 

Each day, the doctor would say, "Maybe tomorrow you can go home."  Mam-ma got daily physical therapy, which included walks in the hallways.  On Saturday, we saw a very kind Dr. Ruiz, who was quite intrigued with Mam-ma.  He gently stroked her face and hair and was very attentive and thorough.  He said, "You can go home Sunday or Monday."  Mam-ma told him, "You've disappointed me... I want to go home today!"  He replied, "Home is a wonderful place to be... but for now, this is your home."  He told me that the numbers were trending downward, but Mam-ma still had a little CHF. Also on Saturday, Mam-ma developed a little bit of a problem with getting to the bathroom in time.  I think it was probably all of the green veggies she had been eating all week... it seemed nearly every meal included a hefty serving of broccoli or mixed vegetables with broccoli.  Mam-ma told me, "I just LOVE broccoli!" which was news to me!

Sunday, we saw Dr. Konero.  If you have lost count, that's five doctors, counting the ER doc.  He ordered a stool sample to evaluate the bathroom issue before he would agree to dismiss Mam-ma.  This morning, all the stars aligned, and we got discharge orders.  Along the way, one doctor doubled one of Mam-ma's blood pressure medications.  Another came along and cut the other BP medication in half.  One discontinued her Lasix altogether after she lost almost 10,000 ccs of fluid and about 15 lbs... another reinstated it. 

In the end, we went back to Southridge with tiny ankles and a slender face and tummy... and the exact same medications and dosages we arrived with last week!  Dr. Konero said that Mam-ma seemed to be regulated on these dosages, and he ordered a daily weighing to monitor the fluids and a daily check of her blood pressure to determine whether or not she should get her Lasix pill.  As I helped her dress, she said, "These pajamas are gonna be too tight."  I told her, "I bet they aren't now!"  As they buttoned with room to spare, I added... "That's what losing 15 pounds will do for you!  I was reminded of all the times in the last months/years I have dressed Timothy as I helped Mam-ma into her pajamas and robe.

A nurse wheeled Mam-ma downstairs to the building entrance, where my wonderful husband had brought the car and parked it for us.  He helped us get her in the car, and two aides met us at Southridge with a wheelchair and got Mam-ma into her room and settled into bed.  She sank into her pillows and was almost instantly dozing.  I asked if her bed felt good, and she said, "Heavens, yes!"

So hopefully we will have a few days of quiet, rest, and recovery.  The RN at Southridge said she would order physical therapy for Mam-ma to help her regain her strength.  I am so, so grateful that Mam-ma is at the ALF and could return to such care and attention.  Had she been living at home alone, I am not sure what would have happened when she was discharged.  I know she was in no shape today to return to a home to live alone.

This afternoon, I counted my blessings and marveled at God's timing.  He allowed me time with Timothy before his return to Texas - time without having to dash back and forth to a hospital to check on Mam-ma Polly.  When Timmy left, God gave me a couple of days to collect myself - and finish our Christmas decorating.  Thankfully, while spending big chunks of each day at the hospital, I was not having to worry about Timothy - or leave him at home with Greg.  And now, I will hopefully have time to get things ready for Christmas - and Mam-ma will have time to regain her strength so that she can celebrate with us.  I even found time while sitting at the hospital to get all of our Christmas cards signed and addressed!

The one caveat I would offer about this week's experience was how CRUCIAL it is that you stay with a loved one who is in the hospital.  It was not necessary for me to stay with Mam-ma 24/7... due in large part to the fact that this is a very small town, and I literally grew up with many of her nurses and therapists - some of whom refer to her as "Aunt Polly" - so I trusted them to look after her in my absence.  But even with that, I did have to make several trips to the nurses' desk to ask for things she needed, and to check on lab reports, etc.  And I spent a great deal of time sitting and waiting for a doctor to make rounds. 

Had I not been there to get the reports, I would not have known that the changes in medications were being made... that one doctor said he was ordering oxygen and then apparently forgot.  I am not sure the order to weigh Mam-ma daily at Southridge would have ever made it onto her discharge papers if I had not stepped to the nurses' desk Saturday night and asked about it.

At the end of the day, things fall through the cracks, even with the best medical staff in the world.  I really, really liked the nursing staff.  I actually liked every single hospitalist and felt comfortable with each of them.  They were attentive and took plenty of time to listen to my concerns and answer my questions.  And this was important, because Mam-ma can barely get her thoughts together these days, so she would not have remembered anything the doctors told her.  And when they asked her questions most days, she would look at me in frustration and say, "Debbie, you tell him."

So please do not leave your loved ones unattended in the hospital for more than a short nap or perhaps at night when you are certain they are settled and ready to sleep.  Too much happens... too many details can slip through the cracks. You would want someone to be there for you... do the same for your loved ones.  "Hospital sitting" is the most tiring activity in the world.  But it is also one of the most important when someone you know and love has to stay there.

When I left Mam-ma's apartment at Southridge today, I begged her to please call an aide for help before she got up for anything in the next few days.  I told her, "The last thing in the world we want to have to do is go back to the hospital!"  And I meant every word!

Here's Your Slice of "Humble Pie"...

The link to this story popped up on my Facebook wall today.  Truly, this is a humbling story... and the statistics are staggering.  Be sure you watch this video!  

  Click here:

CBS News - Caring for Mom & Dad

Should Mom Get a "Medical Alert" Button?

"Should I get a 'medical alert' device for my mom?"  This was the question my sister-in-law posed over dinner last night.  I emphatically answered "YES!" and my other sister-in-law echoed my sentiments.  My grandmother had a "button," as she called it, for years while she lived at home alone.  Now that she is in an Assisted Living Facility, she still has a "button."  The difference is that this alert is tied into the system for the ALF, while the one she had at home notified a security alarm company, who then took steps to determine if emergency assistance was needed.

But back to the question... my sister-in-law's mother is in her eighties.  She has a daughter who lives with her, but there are times when she is alone... and as we all know, things can happen in a heartbeat!  The woman's family physician recommended that she get a cordless telephone and program it with emergency numbers that could be accessed with the press of one button. 

However, as we pointed out to my sister-in-law, this is only a good option if her mother will always carry her phone with her... and we never could get my grandmother to do this.  We tried to get her to carry her cordless phone to the bathroom with her - or anywhere else she traveled in the house or yard.  Her response was always, "Well, I forgot."  I can't tell you  how many times I couldn't reach her on the phone for long enough to start to worry, and she would say, "Well, I was out on the sunporch quilting," or "I was in the bathroom and didn't hear the phone."  "Did you take your phone with you?"  "Well... no... I forgot."

So the "medical alert" button becomes a more viable solution.  My grandmother's device cost her a little over $21 per month... and it was worth every penny.  Oh, you will hear stories from those who fell and could not reach their button... or those who accidentally pressed the button in the middle of the night and heard a voice coming from the "base" box that asked, "Mrs. So-and-So... are you alright?"  But by and large, these devices offer a level of security and safety with little downside.  And my other sister-in-law got a model for her mom that is like a wristwatch... she wears it all the time on her arm. 

Waterproof styles are available... at least waterproof enough to be worn in the tub or shower.  This was especially helpful for my friend, Olive, who became so weak one day that she was unable to get out of the bath tub.  She was able to press her button and call for help... and ambulance personnel were summoned to assist her.

How does one find a reputable company for obtaining this service?  Start by asking around for recommendations from others in your community who already utilize such a device.  You can also contact your local security alarm companies and ask if they provide such a service.  There are national franchises that provide such devices - and these can be located via a Google search.  My sister-in-law used a service offered through the hospital in her mother's community. 

The point is... there are plenty of viable options... and all are reasonably priced and well worth the peace of mind they provide.  If you have an older loved one who lives alone - or who is alone for large chunks of time - you owe it to them, and to those who care about them, to investigate this service.  The senior may balk, at first, but do it anyway... and do it now.  This is one of those times where "an ounce of prevention" truly is "worth a pound of cure."

Flying By the Seat of My Pants - an Interview About the Sandwich Generation

This morning I was interviewed by Heather Mundell, a life coach who hosts Mom In the Balance, a website for mothers who find themselves part of the Sandwich Generation. The interview was delightful... Heather made me feel very comfortable, and I found myself feeling like I was simply having a conversation with a fellow member of this group. I will post a link to the interview when I receive it. Meanwhile, be sure to check out Heather's website. She may just offer a service you are needing. I am flattered to think that Heather considers me something of an "expert" in any way/shape/form on the Sandwich Generation... most days I pretty much fly by the seat of my pants!

Friday, we kept Timothy for a few hours while his mom took care of some personal business. He was as fun as ever, and we enjoyed him immensely. He was with us about four hours... which was a good length of time for an impromptu visit! We are always glad to keep him; however, I think at this stage in his life, a stay of more than a couple of days and nights is a little much for him. He really missed his family during the week he spent with us when his sister, Zola, was born... and I think it was confusing for him. We are fairly sure he thought he was returning for another lengthy stay on Friday, and he cried and didn't want to leave. I am sure he got over it quickly, but when a baby is clinging to your neck and crying to stay, it's hard to put them in the car!

My niece and my sister took the children to see Mam-ma last week... her first introduction to Zola, her second great-great-grandchild. She really enjoyed getting to see them, and as I visited with her yesterday, she told me about how she held the tiny baby and marveled at her small size and delicate features.

When I arrived at the ALF yesterday, Mam-ma said rather gruffly, "Well! I thought y'all had forgotten me!" I asked why she thought that, and she said, "Well, I hadn't heard from anybody!" I told her that I had tried to call her several times over the last few days, and I never could catch her in her apartment. I added with a laugh... "You're apparently too busy to talk to us on the phone!" Then I reminded her that my sister and niece had visited and brought the children... and I knew that she had spoken by phone with my mother. It was just one in a handful of minor complaints she voiced.

I think the main problem this week is the heat. We are having brutal heat in Arkansas... hotter than normal for June - actual temps as high as 100-105.  When you add humidity, you have a recipe for some serious heat troubles.  Mam-ma was complaining that she could not sit out on the porch. There was a breeze, she said, but the air was so humid and thick that she could not get her breath.  And I know this keeps her from walking outside around the facility like she enjoys.  So when my grandmother cannot get outside for awhile each day, things are not right in her world.

I asked Mam-ma if she would be having tea time last night... she supposed they would.  "But it's not been very good the last couple of nights."  I asked why, and she said, "Well, one night Molly (a younger woman from her church) brought milk shakes for everyone."  "Oh, that sounds nice," I said.  She replied with a harrumph... "Well, I couldn't drink it all."  I commiserated that perhaps a milk shake after dinner was a little much, but I also pointed out that she didn't have to drink all of it - and I am sure Molly didn't care.  "So, if Molly brought enough for everyone... what was the problem?"  "Well, I just couldn't drink it all!" she said.  I surmised that there were probably some ladies who could drink all of it, and she confirmed that yes, there were. 

One of my grandmother's chief "complaints" about the ALF is that "there is too much food, and I can't eat it all."  I do not consider this a problem.  There is no way that the facility can personally tailor every plate to the appetite (at that moment) of each resident.

Heather asked me what I have learned from my years as a member of the Sandwich Generation... what advice would I offer?  Here's what I told her:

1. Remember that your loved ones are still real people, no matter how crazy or irrational they may become... or how ridiculous their comments may seem.  They still deserve dignity... and toward that end, we must allow them to vent and express themselves and filter the comments and behaviors accordingly.
2. Remind yourself, "It's not about me.  It's not my fault.  I am not responsible for this."  Do not own your loved one's frustrations.  Understand them, commiserate as much as possible, and do what must be done to cope, but do not take that upon yourself.  Remind yourself that your loved one is frustrated, scared - and perhaps not thinking clearly - and this is the only way they know to express this... then leave as much as you can at the door.
3. Do not forget to take care of yourself and your own family.  If you have a spouse, be sure to make time for him/her that does not include conversation and activity with the children and/or elderly loved one.  It is truly about balance, as Heather's website suggests... and do not get so caught up in your loved one's life and concerns that you neglect your children... or vice versa.  Above all, take some time for yourself... recognizing that unless you do, you will be of no use to anyone else.  Do not beat yourself up for time spent on a workout... the afternoon you take to scrapbook or shop for a new dress... or the 30 minutes you spend soaking in the tub! 
   
   Don't feel guilty for screening calls and returning them later... or telling your loved one, "I cannot do that today."  Remember... you are only one person, and while the world will not fall apart if you are not there to do everything, it won't function as well without you. So make sure you do all you can to be as well as you can - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
4. Although I didn't mention this directly in the interview, don't hesitate to get help and support, if you need it.  Read blogs like this one - and websites like Heather's.  Spend a few $$ and get books that will help you - or hire Heather to help you balance your life!  The one component that has been in large measure missing for me in this journey has been support from others with "hands-on" experience.   I have friends to whom I can vent, and an incredibly supporting and loving husband... but there have been times when I really wished I had some sort of "Hotline" to call to say, "HELP!  What do I do now?" 
   
   This was in large part why I started this blog, and I do hope that you feel you can contact me and ask this very question.  I may not have the answer you need, but I will do all I can to help you find it.  And so will people like Heather! 

The Sandwich Generation is definitely a lesson in balance.  Some days are better than others, but if we all stick together, we can stay as close to the center as possible!

I'd Like to Buy a Vowel

I visited with my grandmother after church today.  She had called last night, but a thunderstorm was in progress with very serious lightning, and I suggested we talk another time.  When I arrived at the ALF today, Mam-ma's room was unlocked, but she was nowhere to be found.  An aide suggested she was out walking the halls.  I started searching for her, but I couldn't locate her.

I visited a dear friend of mine who moved to the ALF last week.  My little "birthday buddy" who shares my birthday has declined tremendously in recent weeks, and I found her in bed, under oxygen, looking frail and quite unwell. However, when I squeezed her hand and spoke to her, she immediately began talking to me, and she seemed quite lucid.  She told me she had been very sick, but today she had eaten four bites of oatmeal and drunk a cup of milk.  She said, "Oh, the milk tasted so good."  She also told me she had fallen again, and she felt so badly that she didn't think she would dress today.  This little spitfire who has been my hero for over 50 years is now in tremendous decline, and it saddened me greatly to see her this way.  As I left, she said, "Happy Birthday."  Our birthday is not until July 4th, and I told her, "Happy Birthday to you... we've still got a few weeks, but we're gonna make it."  Secretly, I wonder if she truly will see 93.

I let myself out and started looking for Mam-ma again.  A resident told me she was sitting on the front porch.  And that's where I found her... sitting in a rocking chair, looking at the redwing blackbirds and enjoying the relatively cool morning under a cloudy sky.  As I sat down in a rocker beside her, she said, "Well, I didn't know you was here... I've been a lookin' for you all day."  It was nearly noon, and I asked, "How did you know I was coming?"  She replied, "Well, you told me last night that you might come today."  I had to wonder... would she have sat there all day waiting for me?

We had a good visit, and my grandmother talked about my "birthday buddy"... who is also her friend... and an elderly cousin who is ill... and Mam-ma cried.  She said, "Sometimes I wonder why I am still here... and I wish I wasn't."  I told her about a book I read this week... 90 Minutes in Heaven.  The author tells of crying out to God and asking why he had to leave and return to earth to suffer terribly through nearly 2 years of excruciating recovery.  Heaven was so glorious...so amazing it defies description... yet he didn't get to stay.  He learned that God had a purpose for him... on earth... to minister to specific people in a way that no one else could.  He was directed to several people who were enduring the same recovery that he had endured... and they could only relate to the empathy of someone who had "been there done that."

I explained to Mam-ma that she has a purpose... at Southridge.  I didn't even acknowledge that she is important to us... that she serves a purpose in our lives.  She might not even believe me!  But I pointed out several at the ALF to whom she is ministering... friends, aides, nurses, staff.  I told her, "Maybe your purpose is to help James (the maintenance man) to become a better gardener!"  That made her laugh.  I also told her that heaven will be just as glorious - if not more so - when it truly is her time to go... but for now, she has work to do here!

I stayed until Mam-ma went to lunch, and then I filled her bird feeder and came home.  Mam-ma called a little before 6:00 p.m., and I didn't get to the phone in time, so the machine picked up as I answered. She said, "I can't get my TV to work... it says cable." I told her to hang up and I would call her right back. "Okay," she said. I hung up, but she didn't, and I waited a few seconds, and finally she DID hang up, and I called RIGHT back... and ... wait for it... I got her machine!

Lately, there have been a few times when I have told Mam-ma, "Let me call you right back," and she has said okay... and when I phone her immediately, she doesn't answer after six rings... and I get her answering machine!  I had to try three more times before the machine finished its cycle, and the phone would ring. I heard her pick up and start dialing. "Mam-ma! Mam-ma! POLLY!!!" "What?" she asked innocently. "Where did you go? I told you I would call right back." "Well, I don't know... I don't know what I did."

So she said her TV was messed up - "It's on cable, and I can't change it." I told her she is supposed to be on cable. No, she wasn't... it wasn't right. She didn't know what she had punched. I tried to talk her through punching the "TV" button on her remote - she could barely see the markings to read them to me. Then she started reading SS1, HDTV, Dolby... "No, that's not it," I told her. She said something about only getting an orange screen. Finally, I said, "I'll just come down there... I'll be right there." "Okay," she said.

I collected the manuals for Mam-ma's TV and headed to Southridge. When I got there, her TV was on, and it appeared everything was fine. I picked up the remote and started flipping through the channels, and everything was fine. "No, it's not!" she insisted... "It says 'Cable'." "Yes, you are on cable," I told her. I explained that this little display shows "cable" when she punches the "TV" button on her remote, but it will go away after a few seconds.

I flipped all the way to what appeared to be RFDTV. "How many channels are you supposed to get?" "40," she said. "Okay, I'm on channel 40." She showed me her channel guide, and I showed her the Weather Channel, "60 Minutes" on CBS, "Dateline NBC" on NBC, and RFDTV on Channel 40. She said, "Well, all of my programs is not there." I looked at the clock... 6:25. "Are you looking for 'Wheel of Fortune'?" I asked. "Yes." "Mam-ma, this is Sunday... 'Wheel of Fortune' isn't on tonight." "Yes it is!" "No, it's not... that show is on every night of the week except Sunday. You should be getting 'America's Funniest Home Videos' and 'Extreme Home Makeover,' but there is a ballgame tonight on ABC, so that's what you will get there."

I FINALLY convinced her that "Wheel of Fortune" was not on tonight, and there was nothing wrong with her remote, and I showed her the button to press to be sure she was on TV. She showed me the SS1 and HDTV settings she was referring to on the phone - they were on a sticker on the front of her TV! They were for Surround Sound, Dolby Sound, HDTV, etc. - and just indicated her TV was programmed for these features. I explained that these were part of a sticker and were not actual buttons - pressing them did NOTHING.

Finally, she was convinced all was well, and she said, "Well, Sugar, I'm real sorry." I told her it was fine... I did not mind running down to check. I told her what might be on tonight that would be of interest to her, and she said, "Well, I'm a fixin' to go to tea!" I said, "Okay... well, your 9:00 news will be on for you when you return."

So next time, I will know a few more questions to ask before I make the trip.  And I have no doubt I will have to return again at some point to "fix" the remote.  As for the phone, I don't have a clue.  Mam-ma's apartment is less than 300 square feet... she has a cordless phone.  How she gets that far away from it in 15 seconds is beyond me!  Mam-ma had asked for pretzels and raisinets for "tea time" - and I'm sure by the time she got there tonight, all was forgotten about the television and the remote - and the phone... until the next time Pat and Vanna are not on at the appointed hour.  Once again, I'll be called upon to "solve the puzzle" and get things back in order.  And so it goes...

The Sandwich Adds a Layer

Our "sandwich" added a new layer last week.  One week ago today, Zola Claudette - Timothy's baby sister - was born.  She weighed in at 5 lbs, 15 oz. - 19 inches long.  She is the tiniest thing I have ever seen!

Zola was born on a Tuesday afternoon.  My husband and I picked up Timothy the night before, and he stayed with us for a week.  His PawPaw picked him up yesterday morning.  I was sad, but also very tired and ready for sleep and a chance to regroup.  I have no doubt he will return soon, as his family will need a break.

I am so thankful for my husband.  I truly do not know how single mothers do it.  I got pretty good this last week at sneaking in a shower and other tasks, but there were times when it was great to know that someone else was "in charge" while I stole away to the water closet for a few minutes uninterrupted!  I learned quickly that some "play time" in the bath tub in the morning could buy me enough time to dress and "put on my face," wipe down the bathroom, and maybe answer an e-mail or two on my laptop.  Night-time baths included time to play while I did my Bible study and answered more e-mail.

One morning, while my husband and Timmy ate breakfast, I slipped away and showered.  When I returned to the table, my husband said, "I'll watch him while you shower."  He was astounded that I already had managed to accomplish this.

Timmy is not always a good napper or night-time sleeper.  He sometimes has night terrors, and we count ourselves lucky that he has begun to sleep through the night - although that is relative, since "through the night" means about 6 or seven hours.  So if he goes to bed at 9:30 p.m., he is awake by 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. at best.  Yesterday morning, he was awake at 4:15 a.m.  We watched "Jack's Big Music Show" in bed for an hour, then we went outside to play with his tricycle and blowing bubbles.  However, he was not in a good mood... and not wanting to wake the neighbors - or my husband still sleeping in side -  I decided we should "get outta Dodge."  So we loaded into the car and went to Wal-Mart to shop for groceries.

I was barely dressed... Timmy was in his pj's and sandals... and I didn't care.  I slapped on a little powder from the compact in my purse, added some lipstick... ran the comb through my hair, and we headed to the store.  Timmy slept on the drive there and back and was a perfect angel while we were in the store.  I unloaded the car at home while he continued to doze in his car seat.  We were back inside by 7:30, with the groceries unpacked and breakfast underway.

Thankfully, my grandmother is doing so well at her new apartment in the Assisted Living Facility (ALF), so I was not having to worry about her well-being and safety this past week.  Timmy and I visited her twice, and both times, she was doing incredibly well.  She pushed Timmy around the facility on her walker (which has a bench seat), and we printed pictures of her new great-great-granddaughter for her to share with her friends.  One nurse said she had shown them to everyone.  I am hoping that she will get to meet Zola in person soon.

As luck would have it, I had scheduled an appointment at the hairdresser for the day after Zola arrived.  Since those appointments are like gold and hard to secure, I asked my mom to watch Timmy while I got my hair cut and colored.  She gladly obliged.  That morning, my husband and I drove Timmy to the hospital in a city 30 miles away, so that he could meet his baby sister.  Then we returned in time for me to take Timmy to my mom's before my appointment.  Luckily she only lives a block from the hairdresser's salon.

The next day, Mam-ma had a six-month checkup scheduled with her cardiologist.  The visit was to happen at our local hospital, which is about 5 minutes from our house.  Again, there was no way to change the appointment.  But this time, my mom was not available to help.  My husband rearranged his schedule to watch Timmy, and the appointment didn't take that long - and we were able to mark that off our list!

My grandmother was "dressed to the nines" and looked like a million bucks when I picked her up for her 10:00 a.m. appointment.  This was her first visit with a new cardiologist - an associate of her previous doctor who actually sees patients at our local hospital's outpatient clinic, which saved us the 30-mile trip (one way) to see the original doctor.  None of this new guy's staff could believe that Mam-ma was 98.  She looked so good... was spry and able-bodied, and she hopped up on the scales to be weighed - she'd lost a pound and a half.

Why is it that doctors feel they simply must find a problem?  My grandmother is doing fantastically well.  Her left ankle was slightly swollen.  The doc noticed it and made mention - which opened up Pandora's box with Mam-ma.  I tried to discount the swelling - it wasn't as bad as she has many other days, and I surmised she had probably eaten something salty.  The doctor launched into a campaign for Mam-ma to go on a low sodium diet and be more active.  Goodness, if she were any more active, we'd have to take extra vitamins to keep up with her!

Mam-ma told the doctor her food was "terrible" - no seasoning.  For the record, my grandmother salts her food before she ever tastes it.  Anyway, the doctor finally asked, "Do you see your family physician regularly?"  "No," Mam-ma replied.  I explained that we do not see him unless she needs to... and she is remarkably well.  BUT... the staff at the ALF is in contact with him, and he was consulted when she got the stomach flu recently.  I also pointed out that, while most residents were in bed at least 4 days to a week with the bug, Mam-ma was back eating in the dining room within 2 days... a testament to how well she is doing these days.

The doctor asked if Mam-ma's kidney function had been checked recently.  "No," she told him.  "Yes," I countered.. "you had a complete physical in January to prepare to enter the ALF."  Oh... she forgot.  The doctor said, "Well, Mrs. Chandler, since you are doing so well and seeing your doctor here regularly, let's just see you again in six months and not change anything now."  He hinted at upping her Lasix for the ankle swelling, and I told him that this is how we get into trouble - when doctors start tinkering with her meds.  That's how she ended up depleting her potassium, falling, and staying 3 months in the nursing home a few years ago.

The doctor asked, "Do they check your blood pressure regularly at the ALF?"  "No," Mam-ma told him.  "Yes," I countered... "they do... at least once a week."  The doctor said, "Okay, so since they are keeping close tabs on you there, let's just see you in a year."  Mam-ma slumped her shoulders, looked forlorn, and said, "Well, don't put me off like that."  He laughed and said, "Okay... come back in six months.  I just don't want you to spend all of your time going to doctors."  She looked at him and wagged her finger and said, "I don't go to doctors unless I have to!"  I just didn't comment.

While we were waiting, we visited with friends of my grandmother... the parents of a schoolmate of mine.  Both are in their eighties and are declining in health.  On the way back to the ALF, I told my grandmother that my friend is really struggling with the care of her parents.  Her father is very ill, and her mother is lashing out and not always cooperating.  Mam-ma never missed a beat... she said, "Well, Leon is just like me.  All his life, he's just done whatever people told him to do and not complained.  He's just gone right along with it."  I had nothing... given Mam-ma's history, what do you say to that?!

I told my husband that I am so grateful that Mam-ma is settled and safe.  If this had happened even six months ago, I don't know what might have transpired.  I know that Mam-ma is less self-absorbed now... and less demanding.  She is busy, involved and active... and thinking of others.  And she has been a great sounding board for me in recent weeks as I've experienced some personal frustrations.

Meanwhile, my"birthday buddy" - a dear lady who shares my birthday and will be 93 in a few weeks - has moved to the ALF.  Physically, she is not doing as well as my grandmother, but Mam-ma is doing all she can to encourage her and to comfort her daughters, who are struggling with her decision to make this move.
 

So this has been a week of blessings and new experiences... and lessons learned.  I've learned that I can still multi-task... and I am glad I've been working out for the last few months!  Timothy is a tall 34.5" two-year-old who weighs 29 lbs. - and my back would be screaming if I had not done strengthening exercises in the last few months.

I've learned that I can survive a trip to the store with a kid in his pj's and myself in some semblance of disarray - and that it's okay if the house is a wreck and the dishes don't get done but once a day.  I've learned that it's okay for a 2-year-old and his great-great-grandmother to share a Three Musketeers and get melted chocolate all over both of them... and old people need to see babies more often.  Timmy is always a hit at the ALF... and Mam-ma loves to show off how handsome he is!

I've also learned how precious a good night's rest can be.  I've slept and napped and rested most of the last 24 hours since Timmy went home... because I know that Mam-ma will be calling - and Timothy will be back... and I need to be fresh and ready for both!

The Scoop on Poop!

My niece is having another baby in the next few days.  Timothy will be coming to stay with us for awhile until his mother and new baby sister get settled back at home.  Since my niece has begun potty training - and standing Timothy on a stool in front of our toilet produced trepidation and a few tears - I bought a "potty chair" and some "pull-up" diapers in preparation for his next visit.

I laughed as I considered that so much of life in the Sandwich Generation revolves around diapers of one size or another and poop.  We wonder about our babies... have they pooped today?  Did they have a "good" poop?  Are we feeding them the right things to produce "good" poop?  Did they eat too much fiber... or not enough?

When I talk with my grandmother, a frequent topic of conversation is her bowel function - and that of many of her friends.  It's tantamount in the senior's world.  My maternal grandmother was obsessed to the point of taking laxatives and yes, even enemas, until a doctor told my mother that she had so overstimulated her colon that it was now as thick and rigid as a garden hose.

My sister and I have laughed nervously and wondered aloud if we will know we are old when we talk about our bodily functions... all while we are discussing said functions of our babies.  I am continually reminded of the parallels in this universe... diapers and Depends, Enfamil and Ensure, walkers and strollers... and much more.

My grandmother keeps an array of "aids" in her medicine cabinet... Mylanta, Milk of Magnesia, Pepto Bismol and Immodium, to name a few... and she "doctors" herself according to her daily "functions."  Lest you recommend she eat more fruit and get more fiber, she has always eaten well and been very mindful of eating a balanced, healthy diet.  And I try to be diligent in giving Timothy fresh fruit, plenty of green and fibrous vegetables, and healthy grains for breakfast (although lately he prefers a scrambled egg).

I believe the key ingredient that both our children and our seniors may be missing is... wait for it... WATER!  When I was baby-sitting cousins some 40+ years ago, we always gave them water throughout the day, in between their bottles of milk or formula.  We kept a small bottle of water handy for hiccups, and just to hydrate the baby.  I'm not noticing a lot of baby bottles filled with water these days.

My grandmother does not care for water as a beverage.  She will drink iced tea (sweet, of course!), a Coke, or even a bottle of Ensure... and she will sometimes drink tap water with her meal (no ice!).  But to sit down and drink a glass of water is unheard of in her world.

I know, I know... you will suggest that we get plenty of water in the foods we eat and other beverages.  But all we have to do is look at the problems so many seniors - and babies - have with their daily "business," and it seems pretty clear to me that drinking more water certainly can't hurt!

So my tip for today is to find ways to get more water into the diet - yours, the kids', and most certainly your seniors'.  This inexpensive suggestion might be the simplest solution we get for awhile... and it if works, it will be more than worth it!