Serving a Purpose

I know...it's been a while since my last post.  Frankly, I have wondered just what I am supposed to say here, now that my Mam-ma Polly has passed.  And yet, it seems that we are still very much in the middle of the "Sandwich Generation" as my mother-in-law nears her 9th decade of life.  Each week brings a new ailment of sorts...nothing all that significant at this point, thank goodness...but little aggravations (for her) all the same.

The children have come to understand that on any given Sunday, "Grandma E" may not be able to attend church with us.  At first, this upset Timothy...and he was very concerned about "Grandma E" (who is very much a beloved "great-grandmother" to these children)and why she didn't come with us.  But as time has passed, he has seemed to accept that there are good Sundays - and those that are not so good - and he and Zola appear to be more readily accepting of the latter.

At the same time, one of our sisters-in-law, Laney, is dealing with the challenges of her 95-year-old mother's placement in a skilled care nursing facility (3+ hours away in another city) after she suffered a stroke and a fall.  One evening shortly before Christmas, Laney e-mailed me to describe what she felt was a very disturbing incident.  Laney's mother cannot see, but she persuaded someone at the facility to call her daughter.  When Laney answered, her mother went on a rampage...she could not stay at this facility any longer...she could most certainly not be there for Christmas...she just would not have any of this...Laney absolutely HAD to do something.  Laney mostly listened...and when she hung up, she was totally rattled and upset by the call.

As I read the message and heard what Laney's mother had said, a sense of familiarity washed over me.  I quickly replied to my sister-in-law and told her, "I am no doctor, but I am fairly certain that you have just described a TIA (mini-stroke).  I am betting that things will be totally different tomorrow...and your mom might not even remember that she called you. At the very least, I'm betting she will be subdued...and possibly even very tired.  Mam-ma Polly did this same thing SEVERAL times."  I offered some advice about how to respond to these rants...and I shared with her some wonderful advice that a dear elderly friend of mine once gave my mother..."One day, all of the 'bad stuff' will fade away, and you will be left with only good memories."  I also told Laney that I miss my grandmother terribly...that I would even settle for one of her rants - just to hear her voice again.  Quite literally...this, too, shall pass.

Laney responded quickly and thanked me.  She expressed how much it helped to hear from someone who had "been there, done that".  She had not considered a TIA, but once I mentioned it, she felt I was probably right...and knowledge is power.  Understanding that this might be the culprit helped to answer her question of "Why would Mother do this?" - and that seemed to set everything in the proper perspective...and prepare her for any future "surprise" phone calls.  And just as predicted, her mother has not mentioned the phone call at all.

It felt good to help...to share what I had learned in a positive way...and to reassure someone else that "you are not alone in this." And while Greg was with me every step of the way in my journey with Mam-ma Polly, there have been times recently when I have reminded him of incidents in connection to situations with his own mother.  We have found it helpful - and somewhat comforting - to remember these things and say, "Oh, yeah...that's not so unique after all.  It may be screwy and frustrating - but not so unusual!"

Today, I spent some time talking with one of our dearest friends, whose mother is rapidly declining and in need of skilled care of some sort. We have known and loved this person since childhood.  So he feels comfortable sharing his concerns and frustrations with us about his mom's situation. 

My heart breaks for anyone going through these tough experiences.  But at the same time, I am glad that I am able to offer some encouragement - and maybe a helpful piece or two of advice.  If sharing anything that we experienced with Mam-ma Polly or my maternal grandparents during their nursing home stay and decline can be helpful to someone else, it somehow makes me feel like all of that serves some sort of purpose.

Choosing a facility for your parents/grandparents IS a daunting task.  Navigating their phone calls and confusion and frustration is highly stressful and frustrating to the caregiver.  Dealing with administrators, government agencies, banks, lawyers, doctors, and realtors is daunting and can make one's head spin!  Having someone who can say, "This is what I did" or "Here's how we handled that...and why" or "My mom did the same thing" can be so helpful. 

I cannot "fix" any of these situations.  Try as I might, I could not fix my grandmother's issues...and I knew all along that I was not supposed to.  I did the best I could, which is all anyone can expect.  But sometimes, we don't even know what THAT is, on our own.  The helpful support and encouragement of a friend who has walked this road can be incredibly comforting.  Or at least I hope it is. 

So I feel like I am serving a purpose...and reaping SOMETHING good from all that we have experienced already.  I told our friend who called that our situation felt crazy at times, but in the scheme of things, it was not that troublesome.  Mam-ma Polly was healthy and relatively well until about 36 hours before she died.  She never became combative or violent, as some do.  She had her "moments"...but it could have been so much worse.  And I thank God for this grace and mercy!

I would like to think that as my mother-in-law and my own mother age, and possibly decline, I would handle these situations with calm and confidence.  But I know better.  There is nothing fun or easy about watching your parents age and decline...much less dealing with the issues that often accompany this.  But as I told our friend, we are not alone.  We're all in this together.  And hopefully that counts for something!

If you wish to share your own situation and circumstances...or to "vent"...feel free to contact me via this blog.  We ARE all in this together...and you DO have people in your corner.

What Do You DO With Your Time?

Since my  husband and I sold our business and "retired" in 2005, the pervading question has become, "What do you DO now?"  Oh... how long do you have?!  I honestly wonder how we ever worked... and maybe you have heard this from other "retirees."  We knew that I would have the responsibilities of caring for my grandmother... but we certainly were not expecting to be caring for a baby!  The old adage of telling God your plans and making Him laugh would certainly apply!

So today, a lifelong friend dropped by to pick up something for her husband, and she asked, "So what do you all DO now?"  I explained that we took care of my grandmother... although that had become less time consuming in some ways now that she is in the ALF... and I told her about Timothy.  I didn't even get around to telling her that my husband, Greg, delivers Meals on Wheels to senior citizens at least one day a week, and he has taken on more and more responsibilities with his mother, who will be 86 in June.  He takes care of her yard, helps her with household repairs, drives her to out-of-town appointments, and much more... and as times goes by, I am sure he will be doing even more for her.

Actually, my friend who dropped by today probably understands better than many.  Her own 80-something mother was in the car.  I invited them inside, but she said they had been out running errands, and her mom was tired and ready to go home.  She also told me that her oldest son and his wife now live in England, where I think they are doing mission work.  When they left the U.S., their little girl was 2... and my friend and her husband saw the child every day, since they lived virtually next-door.  She kept saying, "I know you must be heartbroken without your baby."  I could tell she genuinely understood how lonely it's been around our house since Timothy left.

I think my point in sharing this with you is that most people don't have a clue what it's like for members of the Sandwich Generation.  They may have some idea of what it's like to care for children and your family... particularly if they have - or had - children and a family.  But many don't understand in the least what is involved in caring for an elderly person... even one who is fairly able-bodied and mentally clear.  I'm not sure that you can even truly prepare someone for the physical, mental, and emotional challenges that are involved.  If you try to share this information with others, they often don't believe it - or they think their situation will be different.  More often, they simply don't listen.

My sister-in-law has been experiencing huge challenges with her 95-year-old mother over the last six months.  She has told me about several experiences that were quite familiar to me... but it was as if they were totally new to her.  One day she said a friend of hers had told her that... "a lot of people are going through the exact same things as you," and she said, "You know... I guess she's right!"  HOPEFULLY, some of you who read this blog will realize that you are not alone... that there are a lot of people experiencing the same issues you have with your senior - and your spot in the "sandwich." 

More importantly, I hope we all realize that our situation may test our patience (if not our endurance and our sanity at times), there is very possibly someone who faces bigger challenges and could use a hug and a simple, "I understand what you are going through."  My friend did this for me today... and I am truly grateful.  Is there someone you could bless and encourage out of your experience base?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My grandmother continues to have good days and bad.  When I visited yesterday, she was at the nurse's desk getting a Tylenol - for a headache - or so she told the nurse.  We went to her room, and she sat down on her bed.  The pill was in its little cup on her walker seat.  I asked, "Would you like some water?"  She looked at me like I was crazy.  "... to take your Tylenol?" I continued.  "Yes!" she answered.  I asked about her headache.  "I don't have a headache."  "But you told Lola your head was hurting."  "I know it, but I sat out there, and I just hurt."  I asked where she hurt, and she replied, "All over!"  I found out later that "out there" meant she went to the dining hall and listened to special music.  I'm not clear on how that made her "hurt all over," but the whole time I visited, she laid on her bed.  Usually, she is up and down and won't lie still - even if she is not feeling well - but yesterday, she didn't budge until I asked if she was ready to go to lunch.

Timmy modeling new
clothes I made for him.

I'm still trying to take a piece of sewing to show her every time I visit... or a quilt or something to do with sewing.  I took two quilts I had bought recently at an auction, and she studied each one and gave me several "I tell you whats!"  She said, "I tell you what... quilts just do something to me."  She was such a wonderful seamstress and quilter... piecing and quilting everything by hand.  Sewing and things related to sewing are about all we have left to connect on... and the smile on her face is all the communication we need.

Timothy and Zola in their
matching outfits I made for them.

We seem to have no trouble finding common interests to share with our kids, but finding something to share with seniors is often a challenge. Now that my grandmother has trouble putting sentences together, our conversations are pretty pathetic.  During one recent visit, she managed to tell me, "I wish you would come and spend the whole day with me." First of all, I told her she is so busy that she doesn't have time to spend a whole day with me.  She still finds plenty of things to occupy much of her time.  The other thing is that we would go nuts just sitting all day and staring at each other.  It was a "dig," and I knew that at the time.  But I do think that the sewing has been a tremendous "common denominator" that has given us something to share - even without many words.

One of the quilts I took to show to
my grandmother recently.  She loved it!

So try to think of things you can share with your senior.  If your dad enjoyed sports, maybe you can watch a game on TV together.  If your mom loved to cook, maybe you can make something she considered her "specialty" and take some to her to enjoy.  If your senior enjoys songbirds, maybe you could put in a feeder and keep it stocked... then spend some time together bird watching.  You may have to dig pretty deep to find a common interest, but I promise, you'll be glad you did!  Now, when my grandmother can't say much else, she can usually ask, "What are you sewing now?"  And we are off and running...