New Day - New "Sandwich"...What's in Yours?

As I write this post, I am sitting in the parking lot of an "eye clinic" in a nearby city.  Greg is inside with his mother, aka "Grandma E", who is having another "field test" for her glaucoma.  This is the third such test since October, when the doctor saw something she did not like.  She hoped it was a fluke, so Greg returned his mother in November for a second test, but the results were still not where the doctor hoped they would be.  Testing in December was delayed twice by icy weather... so here we are today.  Hopefully the results will be satisfactory and no additional treatment or testing will be necessary for awhile. (Added note...all seems well for now.)

 

I realize it has been a couple of months since my last post.  The "holiday months" were quite busy for all of us. Greg and I celebrated Thanksgiving quietly with Grandma E...she joined us for a lunch that I prepared.  My mother and her husband were away in Kentucky on a Workamping assignment, and the "kids" opted to have their own Thanksgiving dinner.  So I cooked a turkey dinner for three...and then we watched the original version of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty!

With just a few weeks before Christmas, I got busy the following day turning our house from a warm den of autumn coziness into a festive celebration of Christmas.  Thanks to Greg's help and "brute strength" in carrying all of the boxes down from the attic and assembling the big Christmas tree, I had everything decorated in a record two days!  Then it was on to baking and sewing...cookies, holiday breads, and pajamas, doll clothes and more.

In between, we endured a major ice storm that virtually shut down the town for about three days or more.  This put a halt to scheduled activities like the children's Christmas program at church, the Christmas parade, and many other events that had to be rescheduled.

I took the children to church two different afternoons to practice for their program.  As preschoolers, their role was to dress as angels and "ring bells". Assembling more than a dozen 2-to-5-year-olds...each holding two bells...is something akin to herding cats.  But the veteran conductor patiently persevered, and by the end of the second rehearsal, the children had pretty well figured out what to do and when to ring - and when not to ring!  And the adults had learned that it really didn't matter what happened... it was all going to be cute. When we would talk about the children's program, Timothy would say, "Everyone will be so PROUD of me!"  And we were!

At one of the rehearsals for the children's program, we gathered in the sanctuary. Since our children attend their Sunday school class while we attend worship in the sanctuary, they had never seen this room before.  Now it was fully decorated...massively tall tree filled with Chrismon decorations...poinsettias lining the choir loft railing...almost life-sized creche and angels in the foyer.

Timmy was in total awe. He kept pointing to the stained glass window over our choir loft that depicts a dove and the cross and saying, "Hey!  Look at that pigeon diving into the water!"  Even after I explained that it was a dove, he still called it a pigeon!  I explained to Timmy that this was where Uncle Greg and Grandma E and I come while he and Zola are in Sunday school.  He was impressed... but he still thinks there is a picture of a pigeon diving into the water over the choir loft!

The program was rescheduled, and the children stepped up to the plate and performed well.  Everyone enjoyed the production.

A few days later, the Christmas parade was held...having been rescheduled because of the ice storm.  I don't know who had more fun...the little ones or Grandma E.  The parade lasted about 45 minutes... and there was never a lull.  Our local courtsquare was fully lit and sparkled and glistened with brightly colored lighted trees, a nativity scene, a gingerbread house, and more. The two-storied courthouse glistened with lights outlining every window, wall and roof...and the children AND Grandma reacted as if they were walking through a fairyland.

Timothy had told us, "We won't see the real Santa. I don't think we will see the real Santa.  And we sure won't see Mrs. Santa."  A float came along with Santa - two of them - one on either side.  Clearly that was not the "real" Santa.  But THEN... a car came along with Santa... and MRS. Santa!  Timothy was so excited.

After the parade, we opted not to wait on the courthouse lawn to see Santa Claus and sit on his lap.  We headed up the sidewalk through an archway of lighted trees that Timothy had declared to be "magic" and we came face-to-face with Santa.  He walked up to Greg and Timothy and stuck out his hand and said, "Hello!  Merry Christmas!"  Timothy didn't miss a beat.  He said, "Merry Christmas, Santa!"

Then Santa came to Zola, Grandma E and me.  We had been told that Zola was scared to death of Santa, but he knelt and stuck out his hand and said, "Merry Christmas!" and she just grinned and giggled and said something we could not understand.

Timothy talked all the way home about seeing the REAL Santa and seeing MRS. Santa.  He loved the parade except for one thing... there was no Grinch.  He is hoping for a Grinch in the parade next year!

On Christmas Day, everyone gathered at our house for a big dinner and presents and stockings under the tree.  The children were so excited... Santa Claus had come to their house overnight, and now, they were getting to see not only their grandparents (my sister and her husband), but us, Grandma E, and my mother and her husband - just back from a nearly-four-month stay in Kentucky.  To say it was loud and crazy would be an understatement.  But it was also tremendous fun!

 

My point in sharing all of this with you is to make several observations:

• During the holidays, I found myself doing MANY of the things that my Mam-ma Polly did when I was younger...baking, sewing, filling the Christmas stockings for Santa, preparing the holiday meals, and more...and I thought of her...a LOT! 
• I also found myself juggling trips to take the children to rehearsals, attending Timothy's pre-K Christmas program, visiting Mam-ma's friends (and mine) at the Assisted Living Facility, and reaching out to people from multiple generations during the holidays.
• Most notably, I realized that Greg and I still are very much a part of the "Sandwich Generation" as his 87-year-old mother has assumed the senior role...and the three little ones still keep us hopping on the other end of the spectrum! These children could not love Grandma E more if she were their own flesh and blood.  The two oldest ones almost cry on Sunday if she doesn't go with us to church and out to lunch afterward.  And I'm noticing that she is always thinking about something to do for them...some little toy or trinket to give them.  It's a great relationship for everyone.

Grandma E's antics are not as entertaining - much less, challenging - as Mam-ma's grew.  Mainly, she is forgetful... and stubborn (like going to retrieve her paper in the ice after Greg expressly told her NOT to go outside)...and she would rather stay home and babysit a dog than do just about anything else in the world.  She is truly remarkable for a woman well on her way to age 88, and we hope she still has many good years of living alone in her own home and doing as she pleases ahead of her.

The best three words in the world from the kiddos are "I love you."  Timmy freely tells Greg, Grandma E and me that he loves us.  In fact, on the way home from lunch one Sunday, Timothy blurted out... "Grandma E... I love you!"  Melts the heart!  He also tells Grandma E nearly EVERY Sunday after lunch, "Thank you for paying for lunch, Grandma E!"

Our little ones are learning valuable lessons about life and relationships from the time they spend with my mother-in-law...and she gets just the right dose of being a great-grandmother in return!

In recent months, I've been asked more than once..."Now that Polly is gone, what do you do with all of your spare time?"  Clearly, that "gap" has filled in rather nicely.  Each "Sandwich" is different...but from the looks of things, we'll still be part of The Deli for several years yet!  I look around at others who are smack dab in the middle of their own "Sandwich", and I marvel at how some of them manage to "keep all the balls in the air".  For others, I offer three words of advice..."Hang in there."  We are not alone...this subset of the population grows by leaps and bounds every single day.  If you are not presently a member of the "Sandwich Generation", you very well could be next week or next year!

 

Knowledge is power, and for that reason, I am continuing this blog.  Please share your stories...your insights...what works for you - and what doesn't.  Ask questions, seek support...and know that there are people who can help.  Someone asked me last week, "What's next for you?  What are you looking forward to this year?"  I honestly do not have an answer... but I certainly know that life will be anything but dull.  What about you?

Moving Someone into an ALF or Nursing Home...It's Just Not That Simple

A childhood friend of mine is moving her mother into the Assisted Living Facility (ALF) where my Mam-ma Polly lived.  She messaged me to ask how I labeled Mam-ma's clothes.  I responded:

"Use a Sharpie® marker for most things... even socks (I labeled the toes). They make one that is for laundry, but I've found that all Sharpies® are pretty laundry-proof. For darks, I got a white paint pen in the craft section at Wal-Mart that worked on fabrics. I tried to put her name on labels wherever possible... but on undies, etc., I usually did the waistband.

Remember to label all of her toiletries, too... shampoos, cosmetics, etc. It will save you trouble down the line when she says, "Someone stole so-and-so!" I even labeled Mam-ma's towels & linens... don't think I did her bed sheets, but I should have... we ended up with a whole bunch in the closet that were not ours. Label her laundry hamper... EVERYTHING!  I know this is mind-boggling."

 

Another family friend recently moved his brother's widow into a nursing home.  He lives in North Carolina... several states away from Arkansas.  Still, he must make all sorts of decisions, including what to do with his brother's home and all of the personal belongings.  Last summer, I assisted friends who were trying to decide how to dispose of their parents' belongings.  The family members had all gotten what they wanted, and the house needed to be sold... but what would they do with all of the furnishings and bric-a-brac?  In the end, I advised them to have an auction.  Making money was not the concern, and I pointed out that it would all be over with in a day... and everything would be hauled away.  No carrying leftovers from an estate sale to a thrift store...no working hard for days/weeks to price every item and set up the sale.  Pay the auctioneer a percentage of the sales and let him/her do the work!  From all I saw and heard, this couple was pleasantly surprised with the end results.

A childhood friend of my brother's passed away last week, and we attended her funeral.  While visiting with a sister-in-law, she shared that she had lost her mother two months ago, and now she is trying to determine what to do with her 89-year-old father.  He has macular degeneration and cannot live alone.  As we talked, I realized that this woman is a member of the Sandwich Generation, also.  She has two nearly-grown children, but one just graduated from college, and the other is a university sophomore.  So while she figures out what to do with her dad, balances the daily challenges of a job and a marriage, she also must be a mom to her two children.  Sandwiches do indeed come in all sizes and shapes!

At the end of the day, none of this is easy.  One of my HOSPICE nurse friends asked me if I had noticed a big gap of extra time now that Mam-ma is gone.  My reply?  "Not really."  She nodded... "That's how it goes... things just seem to fill in."  And she's right!  Between my little ones, now ages 4, 2 and 1, and my 87-year-old mother-in-law, my own marriage, responsibilities and more, the time seems to fly!  All of this underscores the point that we do what we have to do when faced with the challenges of caring for our loved ones... regardless of their age.

So my friend will get everything labeled, and the other will figure out how to manage his sister-in-law and her estate long distance.  The classmate's wife will figure out what is best for her dad - and something will come along to make my life even busier again!  None of it is "simple" - but it's what we do!  And I guess that's what makes life interesting... and every  "sandwich" unique!

What Do You DO With Your Time?

Since my  husband and I sold our business and "retired" in 2005, the pervading question has become, "What do you DO now?"  Oh... how long do you have?!  I honestly wonder how we ever worked... and maybe you have heard this from other "retirees."  We knew that I would have the responsibilities of caring for my grandmother... but we certainly were not expecting to be caring for a baby!  The old adage of telling God your plans and making Him laugh would certainly apply!

So today, a lifelong friend dropped by to pick up something for her husband, and she asked, "So what do you all DO now?"  I explained that we took care of my grandmother... although that had become less time consuming in some ways now that she is in the ALF... and I told her about Timothy.  I didn't even get around to telling her that my husband, Greg, delivers Meals on Wheels to senior citizens at least one day a week, and he has taken on more and more responsibilities with his mother, who will be 86 in June.  He takes care of her yard, helps her with household repairs, drives her to out-of-town appointments, and much more... and as times goes by, I am sure he will be doing even more for her.

Actually, my friend who dropped by today probably understands better than many.  Her own 80-something mother was in the car.  I invited them inside, but she said they had been out running errands, and her mom was tired and ready to go home.  She also told me that her oldest son and his wife now live in England, where I think they are doing mission work.  When they left the U.S., their little girl was 2... and my friend and her husband saw the child every day, since they lived virtually next-door.  She kept saying, "I know you must be heartbroken without your baby."  I could tell she genuinely understood how lonely it's been around our house since Timothy left.

I think my point in sharing this with you is that most people don't have a clue what it's like for members of the Sandwich Generation.  They may have some idea of what it's like to care for children and your family... particularly if they have - or had - children and a family.  But many don't understand in the least what is involved in caring for an elderly person... even one who is fairly able-bodied and mentally clear.  I'm not sure that you can even truly prepare someone for the physical, mental, and emotional challenges that are involved.  If you try to share this information with others, they often don't believe it - or they think their situation will be different.  More often, they simply don't listen.

My sister-in-law has been experiencing huge challenges with her 95-year-old mother over the last six months.  She has told me about several experiences that were quite familiar to me... but it was as if they were totally new to her.  One day she said a friend of hers had told her that... "a lot of people are going through the exact same things as you," and she said, "You know... I guess she's right!"  HOPEFULLY, some of you who read this blog will realize that you are not alone... that there are a lot of people experiencing the same issues you have with your senior - and your spot in the "sandwich." 

More importantly, I hope we all realize that our situation may test our patience (if not our endurance and our sanity at times), there is very possibly someone who faces bigger challenges and could use a hug and a simple, "I understand what you are going through."  My friend did this for me today... and I am truly grateful.  Is there someone you could bless and encourage out of your experience base?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My grandmother continues to have good days and bad.  When I visited yesterday, she was at the nurse's desk getting a Tylenol - for a headache - or so she told the nurse.  We went to her room, and she sat down on her bed.  The pill was in its little cup on her walker seat.  I asked, "Would you like some water?"  She looked at me like I was crazy.  "... to take your Tylenol?" I continued.  "Yes!" she answered.  I asked about her headache.  "I don't have a headache."  "But you told Lola your head was hurting."  "I know it, but I sat out there, and I just hurt."  I asked where she hurt, and she replied, "All over!"  I found out later that "out there" meant she went to the dining hall and listened to special music.  I'm not clear on how that made her "hurt all over," but the whole time I visited, she laid on her bed.  Usually, she is up and down and won't lie still - even if she is not feeling well - but yesterday, she didn't budge until I asked if she was ready to go to lunch.

Timmy modeling new
clothes I made for him.

I'm still trying to take a piece of sewing to show her every time I visit... or a quilt or something to do with sewing.  I took two quilts I had bought recently at an auction, and she studied each one and gave me several "I tell you whats!"  She said, "I tell you what... quilts just do something to me."  She was such a wonderful seamstress and quilter... piecing and quilting everything by hand.  Sewing and things related to sewing are about all we have left to connect on... and the smile on her face is all the communication we need.

Timothy and Zola in their
matching outfits I made for them.

We seem to have no trouble finding common interests to share with our kids, but finding something to share with seniors is often a challenge. Now that my grandmother has trouble putting sentences together, our conversations are pretty pathetic.  During one recent visit, she managed to tell me, "I wish you would come and spend the whole day with me." First of all, I told her she is so busy that she doesn't have time to spend a whole day with me.  She still finds plenty of things to occupy much of her time.  The other thing is that we would go nuts just sitting all day and staring at each other.  It was a "dig," and I knew that at the time.  But I do think that the sewing has been a tremendous "common denominator" that has given us something to share - even without many words.

One of the quilts I took to show to
my grandmother recently.  She loved it!

So try to think of things you can share with your senior.  If your dad enjoyed sports, maybe you can watch a game on TV together.  If your mom loved to cook, maybe you can make something she considered her "specialty" and take some to her to enjoy.  If your senior enjoys songbirds, maybe you could put in a feeder and keep it stocked... then spend some time together bird watching.  You may have to dig pretty deep to find a common interest, but I promise, you'll be glad you did!  Now, when my grandmother can't say much else, she can usually ask, "What are you sewing now?"  And we are off and running...