Another Empty Chair at the Table

Last week when I took my grandmother to the doctor, she told me, "Ruth is sick."  Ruth was my third-grade teacher.  She and my grandmother became friends in the late 1950s/early 1960s.  They were in B&PW Club together - both "business women" in an era when there weren't very many women who worked outside the home.  Ruth had moved to the ALF several years ago, and when Mam-ma moved in, she was seated at a table in the dining area with Ruth and another friend, Ms. Evelyn.  I spoke to Ruth and Evelyn on January 2nd when I walked Mam-ma to lunch.  Both seemed well.


Ms. Evelyn, Mam-ma Polly, and my first grade
teacher, Ms. Ruth

By Thursday, January 5th, Mam-ma was telling me that Ruth was sick.  She sat at the table that evening for dinner... but she did not eat.  The next day, she was admitted to the hospital, where she died Monday morning from pneumonia.  Ruth would have been 97 on June 16th.  Mam-ma and Ms. Evelyn are heartsick.  Evelyn and Ruth were "kitty-cornered" neighbors for decades before both moving to the ALF.  Evelyn has told me over and over this week how long she and Ruth were friends - and how much she will miss her.

Monday, I went to the ALF to check on Mam-ma, and we talked at length about dying.  She is so ready - and quite frankly, she is jealous that Ruth got the jump on her!  She said, "I prayed this morning about this.  I told the LORD I'm ready to go." Then she managed to get out... "Death... frightens... me."  I asked, "Are you afraid to die?"  No, she told me... and finally I managed to discern that she is afraid of lingering... becoming comatose or "like a vegetable."  She also managed to express that she worries about those who are left.  I assured her that we will be fine... we will manage... and without her to lean on, some might even have to step up to the plate and do better!

While we talked, I realized that the last few times I have visited, Mam-ma's attire has been a little strange.  January 2nd, she had on summer white pants and a light-colored shirt. Many other visits, she has been wearing the same drab olive green pants and a multi-colored blouse.  So I went through her closet and organized some "outfits".  I asked her why she wore the same thing all the time, and she replied, blankly, "I don't know."  My grandmother has beautiful clothes.  Now that she has lost weight, she fits into all of them well.  There is no reason for her to wear the same thing every day.  Either the aides are not paying attention - or she chooses to wear the same outfit.  I tend to think it is the latter. 

So, just as I selected Timothy's daily attire, I grouped ensembles for Mam-ma - pants, shirts and a jacket.  When I returned yesterday, I partitioned her closet, leaving notes on the summer things that said, "Summer Clothes - Do Not Wear Until After March 2012".  The outfits for this winter, I labeled... "Please Help Polly Dress in These Outfits for Winter.  Thank You!"  So far, Polly has worn a new outfit each day this week. As one staff member put it, "There are people here who get paid to do laundry - there is no reason she can't wear a clean outfit every single day."  It may not seem like much, but I think it makes a difference - not only in my grandmother's appearance, but also in her attitude.  Change is good...even if it's merely your clothing!

I've been visiting more often and spending more time with my grandmother this last week or two.  One day she is up and the next she is down.  She is staying in her room more... and sleeping a lot. She is bored and depressed.  My mother is traveling, and she said she hesitates to phone, because Mam-ma has so much trouble talking on the telephone - and even getting to it to answer.  She said she would write a letter.  However, I've been having to read Mam-ma's mail to her this week, so Mom is going to e-mail the letter to me, and I will read it to her.  Once again, I see a similarity - we read to Timothy, and now we read to Mam-ma.

I told my grandmother that I have no idea when the LORD will call her home.  I know it won't be until she has accomplished all she is responsible for here... and that may be something as seemingly small as smiling at an aide or working through the grief over Ruth's death with her friend, Evelyn.  But I assured her that when the day comes, we will all be happy for her... confident she did all she was supposed to do in her lifetime - and that she is reunited with so many who loved her and have gone to heaven already.

This is a challenging time... a hurtful time, in a way I didn't really expect.  Watching two ladies who are nearly 100 years old sit and stare through their tears is both a heartache... and a blessing. I've sat in Ruth's chair a couple of times this week when I visited.  The empty chair is a constant reminder to these ladies of her absence. To realize that they are so ready to go to heaven makes the thought of losing them a little easier.  It will be a sadness... but also a relief.  They, like Ms. Ruth, will leave a rich legacy of lives well-lived. 

In the meantime, the skills and tactics I use in nurturing a 2-year-old are coming in handy as I nurture my grandmother.  Much of the frustration and stress associated with caring for Mam-ma in the last decade or more is being replaced with a new-found level of patience, compassion, and empathy. I look at some of the things she can no longer do, and I realize that, like a toddler learning to do things for the first time and often stumbling in the process, she cannot help herself much of the time.  She has outbursts and expresses frustration and confusion, just like a toddler... and I have to respond the same for both ages.  

And maybe that's why God has kept her around.  I prayed for a number of years that my grandmother would not die with us at odds with each other... leaving me with bitterness.  She can still push my buttons... but no longer in the same way as when she was "up and at 'em."  Maybe God has kept her here and allowed this decline to soften the blow. 

I apologize if my last few posts have been depressing.  This is a bittersweet season in my life.  And I suspect from comments I've been receiving that many of you are in the same boat... or you just got out!  Right on cue, God blessed me last night with a phone conversation with Timothy that totally brighten my day and reminded me of the circle of life.  Timmy told me of playing with his dinosaurs and reading books.  Then he said, "Okay, honey, I'm gonna let you go and get some sleep!"  With a "later, gator" and an "after while, crocodile" - and even an "I love you!" - he returned to play with his toys, and I hung up confident that he was happy and content... and always loved. 

I don't know when I will get to see him again - and IF I will see my grandmother tomorrow.  But I do know that God is working everything out perfectly.  And for the moment, all is well.

Catching Up...

I guess you could say it's been a quiet two weeks... quiet in comparison to the noted "walker" incident.  I arrived the following Friday to get my grandmother to the hairdresser, and I asked if she was using the "outside" walker.  She harrumphed and said, "YOU try that thing!"  She insisted she couldn't maneuver it and had nearly fallen... and that she wore herself out trying to walk with it.  So I walked the walker out into the street and back, and maybe there is a slight learning curve, since the front wheels rotate 360 degrees, but the idea is to have something more flexible if she hits a bump and not rigid front wheels that only go in one direction.  The people at the medical supply store thought that could contribute to a fall.

After about a dozen stern remarks that started with, "Well, I tell you what..." I said, "You know... you have money... if you don't want to use this walker, use the 'good' one for everything, and when it wears out, we'll pay $50 or so and get you a new one."  "Ohwe no, we won't!" she replied.  I reminded her that yes, we paid $50 for the "new" walker in November, and that this was what they cost - or more - but she has money, and if she chooses to spend it on walkers, that's fine. I put her in the car, still spouting "I tell you whats," and tried to change the subject as we drove to the hairdresser's.

For the third time in a row, my grandmother had Lysol on her grocery list and some off-off-brand can of disinfectant sitting on the table.  I said, "Mam-ma, you sure are using a lot of Lysol.  I just bought you a can last week and two weeks before that."  "No you didn't!" she said.  "Yes, I did," I said nicely... "let's just find the can I bought last week."  I followed her to her bathroom, and the can I had bought at Wal-Mart the previous Friday was sitting on her bathroom sink vanity.  "See... it's right here," I told her, picking up the can.  "No, that's not it!" she said, reaching under her cabinet... "you never bought me any... see... I need THIS!"  Well, THIS was a bottle of Pine Sol!  Now, there is a huge difference between Lysol and Pine Sol.  I laughed and said, "Ohhhhh... that's totally different!"  She answered, "Well, whatever... that's what I need!"  So I guess I am supposed to have ESP an know that "Lysol" for the third time on the list actually means Pine Sol.

When I picked Mam-ma up from the hairdresser's, she said, "I'm a gonna get a permanent next week, if the weather is right."  I stupidly asked, "What's the weather got to do with it?" and she wheeled around and looked at me as if I was from Mars and said, "Have you not ever had a permanent?"  I told her I had had dozens... since childhood... and she said, "Well, they don't 'take' well if it's cloudy!"  I had never heard that one!  About the time she made this declaration, the hairdresser walked up and I said, "Mam-ma wants a permanent next week."  Pat replied, "Yes, I know... if the weather is right."  I told her Mam-ma was saying that the perms didn't "take" well if it was cloudy, and she laughed under her breath and muttered, "I never heard that one before!"  On the way home, I told Mam-ma, "You know, if you are waiting for a nice day of weather in Arkansas to get your permanent, you may never get one!"  She said, "Well, whatever... I guess I'll just get one next week, and if it don't hold, so be it."  Thankfully for everyone concerned, the weather on Friday was FANTASTIC, and Mam-ma got her perm!

Last week, a dear friend of mine, Olive Baldridge, passed away.  Olive was 97 - her birthday just a few days different from my Mam-ma's - both of them born in November 1912.  Olive had moved to Little Rock to live with her daughter, Julie, a few months ago, and on Saturday night, she put on her nightgown, watched taped episodes of Wheel of Fortune and The Price is Right, then told Julie she was going to bed.  As was her custom, she made a walk-thru of the house checking things, and when she didn't return about 10 minutes later, Julie went to look for her.  She found her mother sitting on the couch in the living room... and Olive was gone. 

Olive was a dynamic lady - a force to be reckoned with in the Democratic Party - and a very stylish and classy woman.  She was a Navy wife, then assisted her optometrist husband in his practice.  After his death, she devoted her time and energy to community projects, her beloved Presbyterian church, and of course, the county Democratic Party.  Olive told me once that anyone who ran for office in our county as a Democrat came to her first for a stamp of approval.  She vetted ALL of the Democratic candidates in our county.  A memorial service was held at the Presbyterian church one afternoon last week, followed by a beautiful sandwich/cookie reception that Olive would have loved.  The little church was packed with local friends and family members - many that we lovingly refer to in our small community as the "Old Guard" - and politicians from throughout the state... all Democrats, of course!

Mam-ma and Olive were acquaintances, but not really friends, so she did not attend the funeral, although she did phone me that morning to say, "I guess I'm not going."  I had not offered to take her.  Mam-ma generally does not "do" funerals any more... even those of close friends or relatives... so it had not occurred to me that she would even consider going to this one.  She really seemed okay with not attending.

This makes two ladies in my grandmother's age group who have virtually sat down and died in the last month.  Another was a lady in Mam-ma's domino group and Sunday School class.  She laid down on her couch for a rest and never got up.  What a way to go!  It was as if both ladies said, subconsciously, "Okay, I've done enough... and I'm ready," and they just sailed off to heaven!  How I wish this could be the way for so many of us... and how I hope my grandmother's transition is as easy some day.

Meanwhile, my grandmother is still quite busy.  The other day she showed me two new pillowcases she has embroidered with pink flowers and delicate butterflies.  She is making felt baby shoes with embroidery "just for fun." She reads - novels, the daily newspaper, and her Bible.  She follows the news on television and has her favorite shows, including Wheel of Fortune!  And she is still full of spit and vinegar, just lately informing friends of my cousins who sent her a huge box of canned vegetables from their garden and homemade soup that "everything was too salty!"  My cousins wanted the floor to open and suck them in, but that didn't seem to faze Mam-ma.  I doubt the friends will ever be so generous again!

Mam-ma told my sister that she tried the "outside walker" again, and it hurt her back.  My sister told her to put it away and use the other one.  Apparently she has to hear this from everyone!

We've been keeping our baby Timothy for a couple of days, which always provides joy and balance.  This morning, Mam-ma called and wanted to know what day it was.  I was feeding Timothy at the time.  I asked her why she was asking, and she said, "Well, my aide didn't come today, and I wondered why... but she comes on Friday, not Thursday, so that's why!"  That as all she needed... for today.  Usually, she has a pretty good handle on what day it is, because her week is fairly structured.  But for some reason, today was one of those days.  I am left to wonder if again tomorrow, she will have added Lysol to her grocery list.