Who Is In Your "Sandwich?"

A childhood friend and I have been corresponding via text and e-mail for more than year now, and our conversations have involved several twists and turns.  But they keep circling back to what he refers to as "the elders" - namely, a handful of senior citizen family members that he attends to as time and needs arise. Indeed, we are at "that age" where there is no shortage of "elderly folks" who need our attention.  

Grandma E and her son (my husband, Greg)

My parents and grandparents are longer living...but my mother-in-law is still with us.  We are blessed that she is able to live alone in her own home, even 8 months past her 90th birthday.  She no longer drives, but unlike many children of seniors who have stopped driving, there are few requests for a ride anywhere.  My husband (her youngest son) takes her wherever she wants to go...which generally consists of a semi-weekly trip to the hairdresser and the grocery store - and maybe to church on Sunday.

My great-nephew, Timothy, with my Mam-ma Polly and
my mother-in-law, who the children call "Grandma E."

Even though I am not directly involved in the daily care of an "elder" at this point, many of my friends and loved ones are.  I listen as they voice their concerns and frustrations.  I hear their tales of parents who are stubborn and refuse to admit that they need in-home care - or to allow the caregivers to assist them with personal care, such as bathing.  I understand completely when worries about falls, mixed medications, and failing memories are voiced. I totally GET IT!

Just like countless others, I've "been there, done that."  And my mantra is, "You are not alone."  I know that eldercare can be incredibly lonely...and if you are caught in the middle of a "sandwich" that includes children AND seniors - well, your world is likely something of a circus on any given day!  This doesn't even allow for the fact that you may be juggling a job, a marriage, civic and church responsibilities, and more.  You may be dealing with your own health concerns.  It's enough to make anyone run screaming into the night!

This is partly why I started "The Deli" blog when my paternal grandmother was still living and in my guardianship.  I wanted this to be a place where I could "vent" and share my frustrations.  More importantly, I wanted this blog to be a venue where others could read about our experiences - and Mam-ma's antics - and see that "Hey!  I'm not the only one in this boat!  My parents/grandparents do a lot of the same things and have many of the same issues!"  I wanted those who are juggling several "balls" at once to see that we CAN survive these years...and even remember them with a bit of fondness - not in what was happening, but rather, that we did a decent job of surviving!

I have toyed with the idea of turning this blog into a book...and I may still do so at some point.  It would be great to be able to hand my friends and others a book that chronicles my journey and say, "Here...this might help you."

Meanwhile...a similar book does exist.  My late mother wrote a book about HER experience with my maternal grandparents, who both spent their last days in a nursing home.  Neither one of them wanted to be there, of course. NONE of us wanted this.  But sadly, this is sometimes the only alternative.  And Mother's book has helped countless people cope with this decision and the resulting experiences.

If you would like to order a copy of When Heads and Hearts Collide, I have plenty and would be glad to send you one.  I am asking the minimal price of $10 postage paid...and you can order via PayPal by clicking this link or the one on the sidebar.

We're All In This Boat Together

Several times lately (twice in one recent trip to Wal-Mart), I have commiserated with others who are balancing the care of an elderly loved one with their own lives and responsibilities... and to some extent, the care of grandchildren or other little ones.  Some are dealing with similar issues to mine with my own grandmother - the challenges of aging, dementia, depression, and grief over the loss of peers. Just since the first of this year, five residents of my grandmother's ALF have passed away... and four of those were her close friends.  Another dear friend who lived across the street at the skilled care nursing facility died last week.

Losing five friends in less than five weeks is enough to drag anyone into a deep depression.  So it comes as no surprise that my grandmother has not thought clearly in recent weeks.  One of her table mates sunk into a deep depression over the loss of their dear friend, Ruth, who had been a next-door neighbor to this lady when they were still living at home.  I visited with the grand-daughter of this sweet lady one afternoon at Wal-Mart.  She said, "We could write a book!"  I told her... "My mom already has!"  I also shared a link to this blog, and she has e-mailed me to say she read several posts, and she felt better knowing that others were having similar experiences to hers with her own grandmother.

So I thought this would be a good time to mention my mom's book again.  It's called When Heads and Hearts Collide, and it chronicles much of the journey with my maternal grandparents, both of whom lived out their days in a skilled care nursing facility.  I have shared this book with several friends, and to a person, they have all said, "This could be me!"  So many of the themes of the book are universal among those caring for elderly loved ones.

I would also like to mention a phenomenon that is quite common among the elderly, and that is something called "Sundowning."  Information found at www.mayoclinic.com says that... "the term "sundowning"  refers to a state of confusion at the end of the day and into the night. Sundowning isn't a disease, but a symptom that often occurs in people with dementia, such as Alzheimer's disease. The cause isn't known."  The website lists several contributing factors:  fatigue, low lighting, increased shadows, and disruption of the body's "internal clock".

An article at AARP.org defines "Sundowners Syndrome" as "a cluster of signs and symptoms that occur as darkness falls. The onset can be abrupt and the behavior can have a paranoid quality to it. The person may have delusions they are being watched. Very often they become severely agitated and argumentative. It is common for them to lash out at their caregiver as well. There also may be pacing, wandering, cursing, yelling and hallucinations."

Not all people who "sundown" are what I would consider "elderly."  The husband of my mother's cousin is experiencing this condition in his early 70s, following chemotherapy for lung cancer and other medical procedures.  But the symptoms are very similar...and one of the worst for caregivers is agitation - often to the point of beligerence.  My mom's cousin said that during a recent episode, her husband required medication to calm him... and it took more than one person just to administer the medication.  This can be extremely trying for the caregivers and other loved ones who are standing helplessly nearby.

There are a couple of things that we should remember...

1. Fatigue may play a big role in "Sundowners Syndrome."  Ask yourself whether your loved one has been unusually stressed... perhaps hospitalized and out of the normal routine... or overly tired or run down from an illness or injury.
2. Don't take it personally... even if your loved one lashes out and says it's your fault.  Remember, your loved one is not himself/herself for whatever reason.  This behavior is not deliberate... nor something either one of you can necessarily fix.

I am continually surprised when I talk with others and discover how amazed they are to learn that others experience much the same thing.  There are a lot of you out there who are lonely and isolated... and this is really sad.  Look around when you visit your loved one.  Find someone who is visiting another resident and strike up a conversation.  See if maybe you can befriend each other.  If you know of someone who is dealing with much the same situation as yours, reach out to them.  We really are all in the same boat... and somehow, knowing that we aren't alone is of critical importance.

My  mom's book can help, too.  You can order it from her blog by clicking here.  Look on the left-hand sidebar for the order button.  And sometimes it helps to share your own story.  Please feel free to contact me and tell me about your experiences.  If you permit, I will publish some of them here.  Sharing your own frustrations and loneliness might be the turning point for someone else who is walking this journey... and maybe keep a few of us from jumping overboard!