Just Because the "Bread" Changes Doesn't Mean It's Not Still a Sandwich!

"Hey, Grandma E!  Grandma E!" Timothy persisted, as we drove to Burger King after church last Sunday.  "Grandma E" is the name Timothy gave to Greg's mother when he was first learning to talk...and it stuck.  My mother-in-law finally acknowledged Timothy's attempts to get her attention..."Okay, what, Timmy?"  "Grandma E," he continued..."I like your pretty jacket...and I love you."  You could have heard a pin drop in the car.  Grandma E replied, "I love you, too."

I realize that it has been awhile since my last post, but that doesn't mean we have not been busy!  All three children are now in school...Timothy just "graduated" from pre-K and will begin kindergarten this fall.  Zola and Nathan are in a program for toddlers and pre-schoolers who need an extra boost in certain areas, such as speech, gross and fine motor skills.  So we are not seeing much of the children except for weekends when we take the older two with us to church most Sundays.

Greg spends several hours a week with "Grandma E"...they have lunch together most Mondays after he delivers "Meals on Wheels"...he keeps her yard mowed, shrubbery trimmed and gutters cleaned...and he goes over whenever she needs help with things like her TV remote, a computer glitch - or a phone bill she doesn't understand.  He has offered to handle errands for her, but so far, she prefers to make a few trips herself - although she is getting out less frequently as the weeks progress.  The end of June, "Grandma E" will be 88 years young.  She still lives alone in her own home and manages pretty well - for now.

In recent months, the optometrist has detected a change in "Grandma E's" eye pressure...a signal that her glaucoma (which has been treated with daily eye drops for several years) is progressing.  After several "field tests" over a few months showed a significant change, the doctor thought a laser procedure was in order.  It doesn't cure the glaucoma, but hopefully it will relieve some pressure and preserve her vision for a while longer.

So last week, we traveled to Little Rock for the laser "surgery"...which took all of 30 seconds to complete.  Ninety "zaps" in all, and we were headed home...with a brief stop along the way for lunch and a little shopping.
 
Last weekend, Greg and I had dinner with a couple who have been friends of ours since childhood.  They were asking us about "Grandma E", and I told them that she is really involved in dog sitting these days. She has about a dozen "clients", and she absolutely LOVES them.  She also loves the income.  And we are good with that - it gives her purpose and company...and she seems very happy.
 

"Grandma E" with her boys. 
Greg is seated 2nd from the left.

"Grandma E" is a product of the Depression, and she is incredibly frugal, for the most part.  She won't say what she "charges" for dog-sitting, unless a client asks, and then she says "$10 a day." The owners almost never pay that little.  So "Grandma E" always has plenty of cash and gift certificates, candy, etc., that people bring her from their trips while she dog sits. 

A few weeks ago, "Grandma E" hurt her back again...not as badly as when she had to go to the hospital a couple of years ago, but we were watching her closely.  She could hardly get off the couch without severe pain.  Greg went over a couple of times to help her with a dog she had scheduled for a visit and would not cancel.  Meanwhile, the county election commission chairman sent "Grandma E" a letter saying that this year, ALL workers at the polls had to come for a mandatory training meeting at a certain time - or they could not work this year's elections.  "Grandma E" LOVES to work those elections... plus she gets paid for doing it.  She will tell you she loves getting paid to visit with old friends and work that election... it's like "found money!" 

Greg's mother was not able to sit up long enough to go for several hours of training.  He tried to get her to let the Commissioner know that she could not work this year...but she wouldn't hear of it.  We were over at her house on a Sunday, and she said, "The training is not until Monday... I will be alright."  Now, I'm thinking, "Okay...that must be the NEXT Monday."  I asked, "You mean, Monday as in NEXT week?"  "No, Monday - TOMORROW!"  Well, Greg realized that this would not work!  But, they decided that there were 3 days of training, and maybe she could go on Wednesday?  Neither one of us thought she would be able even by Wednesday...plus, she had dogs coming for the day!  "Oh, YES!"  she insisted. She would be able to go to that training!  So Greg went over and sat with the dogs...and his mother DID go to the training...AND she worked the election and had a ball!

Monday, my friend e-mailed me and asked how "Grandma E's" laser procedure had gone on her eye, and I told her it went great - that we were in and out in less than 45 minutes, and that included a 30-second laser treatment!  She replied, "Good...because we want her well enough to work the elections!" 

I responded and told  her that we stopped for lunch on the way home, and my mother-in-law was talking about how she was getting a dog that night for one night, then another dog Tuesday (I think) for several days.  Her "regular" neighbor dog (Theo) was to come on Wednesday for the day, and a friend called and needed her to keep a border collie while they traveled out of town for a funeral.  So on Wednesday, she would have an overlap that meant THREE dogs at once...tiny, medium-sized, and big!  She said she had already been worrying a little about how she would handle all of that.  Greg said, "Why don't you call the neighbors and suggest that their dog not come this week?"  She shot back, "Oh, NO!  I am just going to leave it alone...I will manage somehow!" 

We just laughed...at the clinic she handed me her purse and said, "Watch that...it has my 'dog money' in it."  I told Greg her "dog money" is probably as much as the war debt!
 
So these days, the "layers" in our "sandwich" have changed...but we still feel that we are the "chicken salad" (or is it the "bologna"?!) in the center!  Our focus with the children has shifted from one of a frequent "caregiver" to more of a sideline support.  Timothy will start swimming lessons this month, so I will be taking him to our Community Center three days a week for his these appointments.  He is now five...Zola is now three, so they are growing up!  Nathan will be two in August.  We will turn around and they will be graduating from high school!  The little ones will have a school break in July, and we hope to spend some extra time with them then.

My mom and me on Mother's Day 2014

My mother continues to have the travel bug.  At 75, she is spending her summer in West Yellowstone, Montana, where she and her husband, Lee, are working in a high-end gift store at the entrance to Yellowstone National Park.  For this they are paid a wage and  provided with a full hookup campsite for their motorhome.  On their days off, they venture into the Park to sight-see and take copious photographs.  Mother's philosophy is that she plans to travel as much as possible...for as long as possible.  Since September 2013, she and Lee have Workamped in Kentucky, wintered in Arizona, and now are spending their summer in Montana!

Honestly, our mothers DO worry us sometimes with their choices and "interests".  We can't help but be concerned about all of the cross-country travel my mom and her husband engage in...particularly given the handful of "incidents" with their motorhome and traffic that Mom voluntarily "shares".  We know that there is an inherent risk that one of the many little dogs for whom "Grandma E" sits can get under her feet and cause her to fall and break something or otherwise injure herself.  Neither of these "activities" is our "thing"...but they probably don't understand our penchant for being "professional homebodies" either!

When "Grandma E" described trying to remove a tick from the back of her leg with tweezers and a needle, we did remind her that Mam-ma Polly fell while trying to remove a tick from the back of HER leg.  She landed on her shower threshold and received a nasty, deep hip bruise that resulted in a nearly-3-month stay in the nursing home for rehab!  There are times when we can see that an activity or choice is ripe with possibilities for harm, and we feel obligated to point out the potential pitfalls.

But at the end of the day, we also learned a LOT in caring for Mam-ma Polly...and one of the biggest lessons is to let them "be" - as much as possible.  Allow them to be independent and active...and to do what makes them happy for as long as they can.  Soon enough, their bodies, or their minds - or both - will betray them.  If we are all lucky, they will enjoy good health and a fairly sound mental capacity for years to come yet.

Yesterday, family and friends gathered to memorialize the 42-year-old husband of a young friend of mine.  He valiantly battled brain cancer for 2 years, but in the end, he "beat the beast" in heaven rather than on this earth.  His wife and 4 boys - ages 8, 6, and 7-month-old twins - are left to carry on without him.  At the same time, my mother's best friend went to a meeting yesterday morning and returned home to find her husband had fallen back onto their bed and died.  He was in his early 80s.  We are none of us promised another day.

So we make the best of our "Sandwich".  We relish the growth and accomplishments of our little ones and nurture them as they learn new things...and we celebrate the activities and relative good health that our mothers continue to enjoy.  Some days are better than others...but in total, it's all good for now.  I hope you can say the same.

Waiting for "The Next Big Thing"

I don't have a whole lot to report this week, except to say that my grandmother seems to be in a "holding pattern."  She was doing fairly well when I visited her on Sunday - having lunch at her regular table with her friend, Evelyn.  She could not communicate, and she ate like a bird, but that is nothing new on either front these days.

Monday, my mom visited and found Mam-ma sitting in the dining hall, listening to gospel music by a couple from our community who come regularly to sing for the residents.  Mom said Mam-ma was doing well... singing the hymns along with the others, and apparently pain-free.  She was dressed in one of her new house dresses - a sleeveless number the aide had put on OVER her cardigan sweater!  Mom questioned the aides about how long Mam-ma had been up, and several rushed to her side right away to assure her that they were not letting my grandmother get overly tired... that she wanted to be up and out.

One aide in particular - one of my favorites - told Mom that Mam-ma had insisted on getting up and out one day the week before, and this aide had taken her to the garden to survey the peppers, squash and tomatoes growing there.  She said the planned to take her again that day, but Mom told her she thought Mam-ma had had enough activity.  She had been to breakfast, lunch, and now the singing.

I really don't know if Mam-ma went to the garden or not, but the next morning when I arrived, she had done a total 180-degree turn.  She was curled up in a fetal position in bed, moaning... and both she and her aides told me she had serious diarrhea and had required a shower just to get her cleaned up well.  The aides appeared in Mam-ma's room to tell me about Mam-ma's morning. One of them confessed that he did not know how the sleeveless dress worked - over or under the sweater. I told him under, and he apologized, despite my insistence it was okay. He began to tell me how he worked hard to smooth Mam-ma's frizzy bed-hair before taking her out of the room... and he asked if I would bring some mousse, so that he could do a better job.

I was touched by his care and concern... and later, the nurse told me that this particular aide goes to great lengths to make sure Mam-ma is presentable each day before taking her to meals.The Hospice social worker had requested a visit with me, so when she arrived, we moved outside on the porch to visit.  It was an unseasonably nice summer morning, so we sat in rocking chairs and talked about my grandmother and her care.

The social worker talked to me about moving Mam-ma to a skilled care nursing facility across the street from the ALF.  I quickly said "No!"  This has been the suggestion of several ... and I did back-pedal enough to allow the social worker to outline her reasons for this suggestion. At the forefront was, "I can tell from your conversation - and from what the nurses have told me - that you are frustrated... that you feel some of the ALF staff are not listening to you and your wishes.  You deserve to be heard."  I listened to all she had to say, and then I told her that I felt that a move at this point would be disruptive and upsetting to Mam-ma.

My mom and I had talked on Monday after her visit to the ALF.  Mom said... and I agree... "Your Mam-ma is driving them crazy.  She will not stay in bed or in her room, and they don't know what else to do except get her up and take her out for a while."  My sister confirmed that - at least on weekend nights when she is working - Mam-ma "sits" on her buzzer continually.  The "favorite" aide told Mom that whenever anyone passes Mam-ma's room, she hollers for them.  I have experienced this myself... if Mam-ma senses movement past her open door, she yells, "Hey!" until someone comes to see what she wants.  Often, she can't tell them when they arrive.  I know... it's frustrating for everyone!

So I told the Hospice social worker that I would reserve the option to change my mind, but for now, I am just riding this pony!  I fully expect that there will be a "Next Big Thing"... Mam-ma will try to get out of bed - or stand and fall... she will develop another skin tear, pressure wound, or infection like the UTI... or her overall decline will catch up with her as she eats less and less and continues to have diarrhea almost daily.  When the "Next Big Thing" happens, we will deal with it.  I know the administrator at the skilled care facility, and if it should become apparent that Mam-ma needs to move, I will

I also told the Hospice social worker that *I* have to own the frustration... that a lot of it is on me.  I have to learn to let some of this go and move forward.  These staff members dearly love my grandmother.  They are doing what they feel is best for her, based on their daily relationship with her, my input, and my grandmother's requests and demands.  I have to trust God to take care of these situations... and to give me the strength and capacity to handle whatever happens next.  After all, something will happen eventually.  My grandmother will not live forever, and something has to facilitate her demise at some point.  And the entire family - and Mam-ma - are all okay with this!

So we agreed to let this go for the moment... to try to relax and take deep breaths... and wait for "The Next Big Thing."  I don't know if Mam-ma overdid it on Monday and the result was her diarrhea and inability to get out of bed the next day - or if it was just "one of those days."  But on Wednesday and every subsequent day this week, she was up, dressed, going to meals, and she appeared to be pain-free.  Maybe the antibiotics and the new time-released medicine are working.  Maybe she just had a string of good days.  Maybe she will actually rally for a few weeks/months - and even try to walk again.  I really cannot say, and it doesn't matter.  We are taking this one day at a time... until the "Next Big Thing."

As part of my attempt to chill out and not over-manage things, I stayed home a couple of days this week and did not visit the ALF.  I sewed... made darling dresses and shorts for some little friends... I worked out, wrote, and read.  My husband and I actually went out of town to attend the wedding of our dear friends' daughter.  And the sky did not fall!  I took the outfits I had made to show Mam-ma one day - and she smiled a GREAT BIG smile and gave me several "I tell you whats!"  A week earlier I had taken sewing, and she looked at it blankly and didn't respond.  So I count this as a good week...and I will take it!

As I have said before, I'm learning to find God's goodness, grace and mercy in the little ordinary things of the day... like time to work out, a few hours to sew or write... and time spent with my husband.  In truth, these are not little ordinary things at all, but rather, wonderful gifts we take for granted.  I know one thing is for certain... in all of this "Sandwich journey," I have received far bigger lessons than anyone... and I'm still learning!

Do You Know...My Favorite Dinosaur is Cool? Do You Know Why This Matters?

Last night, we talked to Timothy and his mother for the first time in nearly two long months.  They had spent the day at a nearby lake and botanical gardens/park, and Timothy had LOTS to tell us.  He also had a lot to tell us about his birthday presents - and his dinosaurs... and the repetitive question was a dramatic, "Do you know... that my favorite dinousaur is cool?  I will show it to you!"  Of course, we could not see it on the telephone, but that didn't seem to matter.  And this was all important because????  The 30-minute conversation with our beloved three-year-old was a welcome respite from the focus on my grandmother and her deteriorating condition.

Wednesday and Thursday were remarkably "good" days for Mam-ma Polly.  She was clearer and put more sentences together than she has in months.  She told me about visitors and asked about a mutual friend who is suffering with Bells Palsy.  She said of this person, "I wish I was able to send her a note."   She is still thinking about others - even now.

However, my mom visited on Friday, and nothing was the same.  Mam-ma was virtually unresponsive.  Mom had to keep waking her to talk with her... and even then, she wasn't sure things registered.  And Mam-ma has a pressure wound on her right heel - the leg that is broken.  It's about the size of a quarter, and the Hospice nurse put padded "booties" on her feet to keep them from touching the sheets.  We are told by the nurses that this is the beginning of other problems... like more skin breakdown.  And even worse, Mam-ma is in pain.

We got the doctor to increase her pain medication from 2 times per day as needed to four times per day, as needed.  However, before the six hours is up she is begging and groaning in pain.  When I visited yesterday morning, I found her in a fetal position, clenching the bed rail with both hands, frowning deeply and groaning.  She was in a lot of pain.  We have not been able to reach a doctor this weekend, which I am not sure I understand.  But there are times when the Hydrocodone kicks in that Mam-ma is happy and laughing... it's just that last hour or so before the next pain pill - and then the hour afterward until it takes effect.  When you add them all up, that is a lot of time to be in pain.  Hopefully I can get to the bottom of it tomorrow and get either her dosage strength increased - or the frequency of administering the current amount.  I do not want my grandmother to be in pain at this point.

I know every day is different... and the challenges and frustrations may only increase as we go along.  For all who questioned at the beginning of this week whether Hospice was the right choice, I say, "Go visit her now."  We made the right choice.

At the same time, I am trying to pace myself... and if you are in the same boat - or a similar dinghy - I suggest you do the same.  Last Saturday, my best friend and I attended a party to celebrate the marriage of a mutual friend we have known since childhood.  We laughed, danced, and reminisced... and for a few hours, I didn't think about hospitals, pain, Hospice, or anything sad.  It felt great!  Yesterday, I fired up my sewing machine and made pillows for our front and back porches.  Sewing is my therapy... and I get lost in the beautiful fabrics and calculating yardage and creating something pretty... and I feel happy and peaceful.

In all of these challenges, we have to find balance.  So talking to Timothy last night was the icing on the cake.  Thinking about the carefree world of a three-year-old and his soon-to-be-one-year-old sister made us smile and laugh... something we haven't done often enough lately.  Tonight, if everything holds together, my husband and I plan to veg out on the couch and watch movies... one drama... and one comedy.

This seemingly sudden 180-degree turn with my grandmother should come as no surprise.  I know things can change quickly from here on out... but at the same time, it was a good reminder NOT to be surprised - or to take a "good" day/hour for granted.  I'm still keeping my house in some semblance of order and trying to stay ahead of meals and laundry... and basically keeping my "house" in order (literally and figuratively).  Nothing is certain... of that I am sure.  But I am taking things one day at a time, and relishing in the fact that dinosaurs really are cool... and I know a little boy who can tell me why!

Change is Hard at Any Age

It's been a busy month.  I know I say that a lot, but this one has been especially busy.  We've had Timothy every weekend while my sister worked, which usually meant picking him up either Friday night or Saturday morning, and keeping him until Sunday afternoon or Monday morning when he returned to daycare.  Meanwhile, Mam-ma has done pretty well.  She had about a week of celebrating for her birthday, including a visit from beloved cousins in Oklahoma who spent an entire Saturday playing "Chicken Foot" dominoes with her and taking her to her favorite restaurant - KFC, or "Kentucky Colonel" as she calls it.

My sister and her husband have decided that it is time for Timothy to return to live with his mother, baby sister Zola and Zola's daddy (who Timothy calls "Daddy," also).  So this coming weekend, the plan is for my sister and her husband to drive Timothy to Texas, spend a few days visiting, and return home without him.  After three months of spending so much time caring for this little guy, the thought of him leaving for an indefinite period of time is truly stressful.  I am trying to stay positive.  I know that Timothy needs to be with his family... but I am going to miss him madly!

And Mam-ma is convinced that Timothy will never see her again... which could be very possible.  Today, we visited her apartment, and she said to Timothy, "I hope you don't forget me."  I assured her we will never let that happen.  When we left, she asked, "Will I get to see him again before he leaves?"  I told her we will try to come and see her next weekend while he is with us, but I couldn't promise.  There were lots of tears and hugs and kisses when we left, and I felt badly, but this is not something I can control.

Thursday, we had Thanksgiving lunch at my mother's.  My sister filled Timothy's plate while I filled Mam-ma's.  I carefully cut up her ham and made sure to get the things I felt she would want to eat.  I think there was more thought required for her plate than Timothy's.  However, after a few bites, he wanted down from the table, and he ended up sitting in my lap, beside Mam-ma, finishing his lunch.  We brought him home late afternoon, so that he could wind down and get settled before bedtime.  Friday, he returned to my mom's for most of the day, while my husband and I hosted a football watch party.  We're all trying to make the most of these last couple of weeks before Timothy leaves.

I will admit that I am struggling with my feelings.  Last week, I said as much to my husband, and he said, "You are blue because Timmy is leaving."  I told him it's more than that.  I feel like my life is on the verge of a major change.  Having part-time care for Timothy these last 29 months has changed our world in ways we never expected and brought us both tremendous challenges and immeasurable joy.  And when his family moved to Texas in August and we didn't see him for six weeks, I was pretty lost.  At the same time, I have (gladly) put a lot of my own projects on hold since Timothy was born... never sure when the phone would ring and he would be coming to stay for a day or two - or a week or more!  Now my niece says it will be at least the end of February before they return for a visit.

And then there is my grandmother... she continues to decline overall, and I feel like some morning the aides are going to find that she drifted away in the night - or she will contract some illness or infection and be gone in a matter of days.  I know she has lost her drive and determination... and she is basically "waiting for the LORD" to take her home.  So there is every possibility that the next few months will find me with two less people to care for, and honestly, I am going to have some adjusting to do!

Clearly, my situation pales in comparison to those of you who have full-time care of either a child or a senior - or both.  But I am also certain that some of you know exactly what I'm talking about - you've "been there, done that!"  So I ask that you remember my family in your prayers... that you ask God to make this reunion of Timothy and his family a good one - and that He equip the rest of us with whatever we need to handle his absence.

My niece needs prayers, too... she will be caring for her six-month-old daughter and 29-month-old son while living over seven hours from her parents and the support system she has relied upon for all of her 21 years.  She is also dealing with the reality that she could lose her great-grandmother in the coming months and not be able to get home.  In a recent phone conversation, she said to my sister, "If something happens to Mam-ma, someone will come get me, won't they?"  My sister had to tell her that this was not likely, for a variety of reasons. 

So this will be a challenging week.  We will keep Timothy over the weekend until my sister and her husband get the car packed and are ready to head to Texas.  I have given this situation to God, and I am trusting He will guide my steps over the next few weeks/months... and keep me sane.