I Can Still See "Them Eyes!"

He's here... our newest great-nephew, Nathan Daniel, arrived Friday morning.  All 6 pounds 13 ounces of his 18-inch body are perfect!  He will be a wonderful little brother for Timothy and Zola... and all three children will surely be a challenge for their young mother!  I can't wait to meet him and have some snuggle time - hopefully by the end of this month!

Friday afternoon, I visited Mam-ma Polly at the ALF.  I had not been to see her since the previous Sunday, although I knew that my mom had been there mid-week for a visit, and all reports were that she was doing remarkably well.  Mam-ma was sound asleep when I arrived, so I tip-toed around a while... and honestly, I considered not even waking her.  But I had brought her a picture of Nathan that I printed out all nice and big, and it HAD been a while since my last visit.  So I did a few things in her room until she woke up.  She was THRILLED with the picture and said, "Sit me up."  I did, and then she wanted to GET up and sit in her wheelchair.  The aides, Debbie and Kay, came and helped her, and they oohed and ahhed at the picture.  Dr. Smith was there making rounds, and Mam-ma said he had seen her that morning... and had very little to say.

Dr. Smith passed Mam-ma's apartment doorway and saw us, and he ventured in and told me everything was good, and he didn't change a thing.  He thinks "we are doing very well" and "hanging on..."  He commented about the picture, and I thought everything was great... until I got up to leave. 

I hugged Mam-ma and started to leave her apartment, and she grabbed my arm and began to frown. Then she heaved a big sigh and started to breathe heavily, and she said, "Well, I forgot to tell you..." and she couldn't get it out, and I waited and waited... and finally she said, "Well, them big eyes..."  I said, "Yeah?"  She said, "Oh... them eyes... they just haunt me."  I asked, "Whose eyes?"  She said, "That man!  I woke up and all I could see was them big eyes."  I asked, "You woke up and saw a man's eyes?"  "Yes!"  "When did this happen?"  "A few nights ago."  "Who was it?"  She tried and tried to think of the man's name, but she couldn't.  I asked was it someone she knew?  Yes.  Was it her deacon?  NO!  Was it someone who lived at Southridge?  Yes. 

By this time she was crying - and she even had a few tears in her eyes.  She said, "I was so scared."  I told her, "If that ever happens again, press your button.  Is that what you did the other night?"  She said, "No!"  I asked her what she did, and she said, "Well... I screamed!"  She said an aide came in and sat with her "a right smart while" (one of her favorite sayings).

I assured her that it was okay... and that I would ask around - that no one had mentioned it to me.  I told her "Good-bye," and went to find the aides.  They were unaware of this incident.  The nurse was also unaware.  The administrator had not heard about this and said none of her male residents roam or go into other people's rooms... that they are all "with it" more than that.  We both agreed it could be something Mam-ma cooked up because I was leaving - everything had been fine up to that point.

BUT... when I got back down the hallway, Mam-ma was out at nurse's office, and she was trying to tell Peggy, the nurse, this story.  Kay came along, and sweetly she said, "Oh, you know, lots of the little ladies see men in their rooms.  One lady has a man who comes all the way from Mississippi."  We again assured Mam-ma that no one was coming her room - that the aides and Peggy would keep their eyes open... it would be fine.  She was NOT convinced. 

I  once again said "Good-bye" and left.  I got out in the parking lot and remembered that Mom had told me the other day that the aides thought Mam-ma was confused... and the week-day nurse had ordered a urinalysis, just in case.  So I went back and told Peggy about the UA and the aides thinking Mam-ma was really confused, and maybe that was it... maybe this happened when she took her nap. 

We were talking in the doorway, and I heard Mam-ma's very clear and strong voice from down the hallway... "Debbie!"  I turned around, and she was right at her apartment doorway, and she raised her hand and pointed her finger and said, "Plank*!  His name is Plank!"  Peggy and Debbie said, "Oh... Mr. Plank!  We know him... he wouldn't go in her room."  Mam-ma insisted that he did. 
Then Debbie remembered that when she put Mam-ma down for her nap, she said, "Ms. Polly, you need to get some sleep," and Mam-ma said, "I don't know if I can... I keep seein' them eyes."  Debbie didn't know what she was talking about.  Peggy tried to explain to Mam-ma that dreams could be vivid... she had waked from a dream and thought it was real more than once.  Mam-ma was adamant - and agitated - that this was NOT a dream... Mr. Plank was in her room leaning over her bed - and now it was "night before last." 

So I assured her again that nobody was coming in her room - the aides and Peggy would be watching.  I finally went in her room and coaxed her back inside to drink a Coke.  I put a straw in a can  of Coke and handed it to her and said, "Drink this and look at the picture of the baby, and that will perk you up."  She took a big swig and said, "Well, now I have to go to the bathroom."  I made sure her call button was punched, and I told her "Good-bye" yet again... and left.

So I just don't know... Peggy was insistent that Mr. Plank would never do this... but how would Mam-ma know this man's name?  And yet, I know she was not confused earlier... and why would this happen just as I left?  It's all so convoluted...and disturbing.  I had to think about her so adamantly accusing one of her favorite aides a few weeks ago of bruising her arms. Is this a new "thing" with Mam-ma now... to imagine that people are doing things?  I am so sorry I woke her!

I called my sister and warned her... and I told her I wonder if I need to pursue this more... or if I should let it ride for now.  She said to let it ride... so that's what I will do.  I just felt she needed to know what had transpired before she went in for her night shift as an aide at the ALF.  Hopefully it's over with and Mam-ma will not mention it.  Time will tell.  I really thought Mam-ma was doing so well when I first arrived... but maybe not.  Suzanne did not even seem to know who Mr. Plank is.  It did throw me when I found out he really exists... but as my husband and Peggy both suggested, she probably had a nightmare... and he was in it!

My mother tried to console me by telling me that my maternal grandmother imagined things... she insisted that the nursing home staff where she resided were dressing rats and seating them in the dining room for meals. She was sure of it - she had seen them!  But what threw me the most was how quickly my grandmother spun from being really well and mentally clear to being totally upset and confused.  I seriously wonder if she was having a TIA... and we will never know for sure.  My mom encouraged me to put it out of my mind.  I am trying.

Hopefully it is all forgotten and Mam-ma will not mention it again.  Time will tell. I have seriously dreaded my last few visits.  It seems to always be something... ranging from mildly irritating to downright bizarre.  One thing is for sure... I can't say the visits are ever dull and uneventful... and that is not necessarily a good thing. I am hoping for a calm and peaceful week.  I will print out a couple more pictures of Nathan for Mam-ma to enjoy.  Maybe that will get her mind on something more pleasant - at least for a little while.

*Name has been changed.

All She Needs is a Tin Cup!

I've done some serious "textile therapy" in the last week, so I have only visited my grandmother a couple of times.  My mom has visited a few times, too - and my sister still works 3 weekend nights - so it's not like Mam-ma has not had visits from her family.  When my mom visits, she often reports that Mam-ma "had trouble holding her eyes open," so Mom ends up pulling up a chair and just sitting at her bedside for a while.  I find it interesting that I can go the very next day - or even the same day - and Mam-ma has no trouble staying awake.  I'm wondering if this "pretending to nap or be sleepy" is for Mom's benefit.  Mom thought that Mam-ma was mad at the world the last time she visited, and this was why she closed her eyes and literally shut everyone out!  We'll probably never know for sure.

I found things pretty well on Sunday when I visited.  I took more sewing to show Mam-ma, though she never even raised up in bed.  She looked it all over - twice - and declared, in a rather long sentence for her... "I said to myself, 'She's a havin' the time of her life with this sewing.'"  I heard this several times over the course of ten or 15 minutes.  My husband and I were attending the funeral visitation for a dear friend that evening, so I didn't stay long.  But I thought all was well... until I talked with my sister on Tuesday.

It seems that Mam-ma continues to holler, though she has not done so while I am there in about two weeks.  But at night and much of the daytime, if she is in her bed or recliner, she is hollering for any and every aide who passes her door.  And my sister said when she is on duty, she will hear "Suzaaaaaaaaaaannnnne!"  Worse still, when the aides to not respond as quickly as Mam-ma thinks they should... she has begun to rattle her bed rails!  I told Suzanne that maybe we should get her a tin cup, like you see the prisoners scrape across the bars of a jail cell in the movies.  She replied, "Don't you dare!"  I would never do this, and it's not funny... but I can just see my grandmother.

So on one hand, we feel like maybe she cannot help the fact that she hollers.  But when you know enough to call the aides by name and rattle your bed rails... it's hard to believe you are clueless.

I am assured that there are others who do this sort of thing... and worse.  But they are not my grandmother.  And they don't have a loved one working there.  It's a dilemma... but my sister insists that she wants Mam-ma kept in this facility - that she is managing just fine.  So we remind Ma-mma often that she must not holler... that it doesn't make the aides come any faster or more frequently to check on her.  And I'm waiting for the day the administrator calls to tell me her bedrails have been removed.

My grandmother has come so far in the last two months... farther than I ever dreamed she would when we left the hospital in early May.  Still, she is declining, in many ways.  I am prepared for the possibility that she might continue to improve enough that she no longer qualifies for Hospice care at this time.  But I feel like the far more likely scenario will be that she falls...develops an infection of some sort... or overheats sitting outside on the porch.  Every day is different.  Meanwhile, we all agree that we should keep objects that can be clanged against the bedrails at a hefty distance.  If Mam-ma figures out how to make noise with one of those, we're sunk!

I'd Like to Buy a Vowel

I visited with my grandmother after church today.  She had called last night, but a thunderstorm was in progress with very serious lightning, and I suggested we talk another time.  When I arrived at the ALF today, Mam-ma's room was unlocked, but she was nowhere to be found.  An aide suggested she was out walking the halls.  I started searching for her, but I couldn't locate her.

I visited a dear friend of mine who moved to the ALF last week.  My little "birthday buddy" who shares my birthday has declined tremendously in recent weeks, and I found her in bed, under oxygen, looking frail and quite unwell. However, when I squeezed her hand and spoke to her, she immediately began talking to me, and she seemed quite lucid.  She told me she had been very sick, but today she had eaten four bites of oatmeal and drunk a cup of milk.  She said, "Oh, the milk tasted so good."  She also told me she had fallen again, and she felt so badly that she didn't think she would dress today.  This little spitfire who has been my hero for over 50 years is now in tremendous decline, and it saddened me greatly to see her this way.  As I left, she said, "Happy Birthday."  Our birthday is not until July 4th, and I told her, "Happy Birthday to you... we've still got a few weeks, but we're gonna make it."  Secretly, I wonder if she truly will see 93.

I let myself out and started looking for Mam-ma again.  A resident told me she was sitting on the front porch.  And that's where I found her... sitting in a rocking chair, looking at the redwing blackbirds and enjoying the relatively cool morning under a cloudy sky.  As I sat down in a rocker beside her, she said, "Well, I didn't know you was here... I've been a lookin' for you all day."  It was nearly noon, and I asked, "How did you know I was coming?"  She replied, "Well, you told me last night that you might come today."  I had to wonder... would she have sat there all day waiting for me?

We had a good visit, and my grandmother talked about my "birthday buddy"... who is also her friend... and an elderly cousin who is ill... and Mam-ma cried.  She said, "Sometimes I wonder why I am still here... and I wish I wasn't."  I told her about a book I read this week... 90 Minutes in Heaven.  The author tells of crying out to God and asking why he had to leave and return to earth to suffer terribly through nearly 2 years of excruciating recovery.  Heaven was so glorious...so amazing it defies description... yet he didn't get to stay.  He learned that God had a purpose for him... on earth... to minister to specific people in a way that no one else could.  He was directed to several people who were enduring the same recovery that he had endured... and they could only relate to the empathy of someone who had "been there done that."

I explained to Mam-ma that she has a purpose... at Southridge.  I didn't even acknowledge that she is important to us... that she serves a purpose in our lives.  She might not even believe me!  But I pointed out several at the ALF to whom she is ministering... friends, aides, nurses, staff.  I told her, "Maybe your purpose is to help James (the maintenance man) to become a better gardener!"  That made her laugh.  I also told her that heaven will be just as glorious - if not more so - when it truly is her time to go... but for now, she has work to do here!

I stayed until Mam-ma went to lunch, and then I filled her bird feeder and came home.  Mam-ma called a little before 6:00 p.m., and I didn't get to the phone in time, so the machine picked up as I answered. She said, "I can't get my TV to work... it says cable." I told her to hang up and I would call her right back. "Okay," she said. I hung up, but she didn't, and I waited a few seconds, and finally she DID hang up, and I called RIGHT back... and ... wait for it... I got her machine!

Lately, there have been a few times when I have told Mam-ma, "Let me call you right back," and she has said okay... and when I phone her immediately, she doesn't answer after six rings... and I get her answering machine!  I had to try three more times before the machine finished its cycle, and the phone would ring. I heard her pick up and start dialing. "Mam-ma! Mam-ma! POLLY!!!" "What?" she asked innocently. "Where did you go? I told you I would call right back." "Well, I don't know... I don't know what I did."

So she said her TV was messed up - "It's on cable, and I can't change it." I told her she is supposed to be on cable. No, she wasn't... it wasn't right. She didn't know what she had punched. I tried to talk her through punching the "TV" button on her remote - she could barely see the markings to read them to me. Then she started reading SS1, HDTV, Dolby... "No, that's not it," I told her. She said something about only getting an orange screen. Finally, I said, "I'll just come down there... I'll be right there." "Okay," she said.

I collected the manuals for Mam-ma's TV and headed to Southridge. When I got there, her TV was on, and it appeared everything was fine. I picked up the remote and started flipping through the channels, and everything was fine. "No, it's not!" she insisted... "It says 'Cable'." "Yes, you are on cable," I told her. I explained that this little display shows "cable" when she punches the "TV" button on her remote, but it will go away after a few seconds.

I flipped all the way to what appeared to be RFDTV. "How many channels are you supposed to get?" "40," she said. "Okay, I'm on channel 40." She showed me her channel guide, and I showed her the Weather Channel, "60 Minutes" on CBS, "Dateline NBC" on NBC, and RFDTV on Channel 40. She said, "Well, all of my programs is not there." I looked at the clock... 6:25. "Are you looking for 'Wheel of Fortune'?" I asked. "Yes." "Mam-ma, this is Sunday... 'Wheel of Fortune' isn't on tonight." "Yes it is!" "No, it's not... that show is on every night of the week except Sunday. You should be getting 'America's Funniest Home Videos' and 'Extreme Home Makeover,' but there is a ballgame tonight on ABC, so that's what you will get there."

I FINALLY convinced her that "Wheel of Fortune" was not on tonight, and there was nothing wrong with her remote, and I showed her the button to press to be sure she was on TV. She showed me the SS1 and HDTV settings she was referring to on the phone - they were on a sticker on the front of her TV! They were for Surround Sound, Dolby Sound, HDTV, etc. - and just indicated her TV was programmed for these features. I explained that these were part of a sticker and were not actual buttons - pressing them did NOTHING.

Finally, she was convinced all was well, and she said, "Well, Sugar, I'm real sorry." I told her it was fine... I did not mind running down to check. I told her what might be on tonight that would be of interest to her, and she said, "Well, I'm a fixin' to go to tea!" I said, "Okay... well, your 9:00 news will be on for you when you return."

So next time, I will know a few more questions to ask before I make the trip.  And I have no doubt I will have to return again at some point to "fix" the remote.  As for the phone, I don't have a clue.  Mam-ma's apartment is less than 300 square feet... she has a cordless phone.  How she gets that far away from it in 15 seconds is beyond me!  Mam-ma had asked for pretzels and raisinets for "tea time" - and I'm sure by the time she got there tonight, all was forgotten about the television and the remote - and the phone... until the next time Pat and Vanna are not on at the appointed hour.  Once again, I'll be called upon to "solve the puzzle" and get things back in order.  And so it goes...

Sometimes Being the "Mom" Is Harder than Others

"

Our Timothy turned two yesterday.  It rained on his first birthday, and his birthday party in the local park was cancelled.  I vowed he would have a party this year, so my husband and I planned a simple dinner at our house for 5:30 p.m. - sandwiches, potato salad and baked beans - followed by cake and ice cream at 6:30.  We invited the immediate family for dinner... and additional family members and friends for the cake and ice cream portion of the party. 

 Timmy's grandpa wanted to make the cake.  He always made my niece's birthday cakes, and it was a big deal to him.  I had found a template on the NickJr. website for a "Jack" cake (from "Jack's Big Music Show - Timothy's ultimate favorite show!), and I printed it off for my brother-in-law.  He did an outstanding job on the cake.. and Timmy would point at it and say, "Jack!"

We kept Timothy all day on Wednesday while his mom and grandparents drove to a nearby city for his mother's OB/GYN check-up.  My niece is expecting another baby any day now, so she is making weekly visits to her doctor.  My husband had errands to run in town Wednesday morning, and he included a stop at Southridge on his route... to visit Mam-ma Polly and refill her bird feeder.  He found her upbeat and doing well.

Wednesday evening, Timothy fell asleep in my arms as we sat on the couch.  The phone rang, and my husband answered... it was Mam-ma... was he feeling alright?  He assured her that he was fine, and she reported that some 30 people at the retirement center were sick with a stomach bug.  So far, she was okay, but she was worried she had exposed Greg to the virus.  He told her to stay in and stay well, and she said she was trying.

I spent my spare time throughout the week getting things ready for the party and trying to keep on top of things, in case the baby came early and Timothy arrived to stay with us indefinitely.  Friday, I made final preparations for the party, while Greg worked outside, cleaning off the porches and driveways, etc.  He was supposed to go pick up Mam-ma for the party a little after 5:00 p.m.  I spoke to her in the morning and reminded her to tell the kitchen staff she would not be there for dinner - and to remember to sign out before she left.  She said she would ... and of course, she was thrilled that Greg was coming to get her.

Around 3:30 p.m., Mam-ma called and said she was not coming.  She said she had eaten a piece of cake for lunch that did not agree with her and she didn't feel well enough to come.  I told her if she was not feeling well, that was wise - we would miss her - but she had to take care of herself.

A little before 4:30 p.m., I called Mam-ma back and suggested she tell her nurse that she was not feeling well.  She said, "I already did."  I asked what the nurse had said, and she replied, "She told me not to take Immodium until I have diarrhea."  I asked if she felt like that was going to happen, and she said she did.  Then she said, "I have not felt well all day.  I'm cold, and I have a headache... and I actually feel sicker now than I did."  The next thing I heard  was her turning away from the phone and spitting into a trash can.  Then I heard her vomiting.  She returned to the phone and said, "I just got sick."  She vomited again.  I told her to punch the button and call for a nurse.  She began to cry.  I felt so badly for her.  I told her again, "Punch your button and call for a nurse."  She said she would, and I told her I was going to hang up so she could lie down.

I waited about 20 minutes - thinking I should give the nurse time to actually see about Mam-ma, even though her office is just a few feet from Mam-ma's door - and I called the nurse.  She told me Mam-ma was sick, and I told her, "Yes, I know - I was on the phone with her when she threw up."  The nurse said that there was an "epidemic" of this "bug" at the retirement center, and she had phoned Mam-ma's doctor to order some nausea medication and something for diarrhea, because "most everyone gets that after the nausea."  The nurse - Peggy - said she was waiting on the doctor to return her call, so we hung up, and I told her I would check in later.

By 5:30, Timothy and his family were here, along with my mom and her husband, and Timothy's other great-grandmother.  We had dinner, and by 6:30, more friends had arrived.  Timothy opened his gifts, and then we served cake and ice cream.

I slipped away to call the retirement center a little after 7:00 p.m., and a CNA answered.  The nurse had left for the night, and she said she had not checked on my grandmother.  She did not know if medication had been ordered - she said nothing was mentioned at "shift change."  I was a little frustrated, but she told me that the orders were to check on my grandmother every two hours, and she assured me she would be checking in on her.  I returned to my guests.  Talk about feeling torn!  I was concerned that Mam-ma got sick quickly - and she has done this before - and I felt like every two hour to check on her was not often.  Yet it was more than she would have gotten at home... and I was so glad she had nurses and aides there to see after her and help her.  I also knew she had her "button" and could call for help at any time.

The last guest left around 8:00.  Timmy was delighted with his party and all of the attention.  When everyone had gone and we were somewhat settled, I tried to call Mam-ma to check on her. No answer.  I tried three times, thinking maybe she was in the bathroom or just could not reach the phone in time.  But still no answer.  By this time, it was nearly 9:00 p.m.  I called the aide again and asked her to check on Mam-ma.  She did... and when she returned to the phone, she said, "She was asleep and didn't hear the phone."  Mam-ma called me shortly thereafter and she said she was still very sick but had not thrown up again.  I asked if she had had anything to drink.  She said she had not.  I told her to ask the aides to fix her a Coke.  She said she would, but I had told her to do this earlier in the evening, and she said she forgot.

Luckily, the aide called me again, and I explained that Mam-ma dehydrates quickly.  She said, "Oh, we are keeping ice water in the rooms of all the residents who have this."  I told her Mam-ma won't drink ICE water on a day when she feels well... but she will drink an icy Coke.  The aide said she would fix one for her.  I explained how Mam-ma dehydrated in a matter of hours a few years ago and ended up in the hospital for a week and the nursing home for three months.  "It's very important that she keep drinking fluids," I added.  The aide was very nice and said she understood.

I hung up feeling like the situation was in control... and thankful that Timothy had not stayed overnight, in case things got worse and I was called to come to the retirement center - or the ER... neither of which happened.  (Thank you, LORD!)

This morning, I phoned Mam-ma, and she sounded terrible still.  But she had eaten oatmeal and "sipped at" a cup of coffee, of all things. She said those were the only things she could think of that sounded like they would be soothing to her stomach.  I spoke with her a few hours later, and she was still in bed, but no more vomiting.  She said the nurse was ordering a bowl of soup for her for lunch.

I talked to the nurse, and she said that meds were indeed ordered - and received.  She also was withholding Mam-ma's regular meds until she saw that she could keep down food.  As she put it, "No sense giving them to her and having them come right back up."  I told the nurse that I felt like I should come and check on Mam-ma - but I was hesitant.  She quickly said, "NO!  Do not come down here!  This stuff is mean, and you do not want to be exposed to it."  She added that several staff members had gotten it, along with most of the residents.  She assured me that they were taking good care of my grandmother... and I am trusting that they are. 

I told Mam-ma that I am thankful that she has a nice comfortable bed and room... that nurses are just a button press away... and that she has meals and medication delivered to her bedside.  All she has to get up for is to go to the bathroom.  Peggy, the nurse, said that this "bug" lasts about 4 days.  Mam-ma will be weak as water by then; however, the fact she kept down oatmeal this morning is a good sign.  Maybe after more than 2 months of eating well and regular medication, she is stronger and will fight this off more quickly than she would have at home.

I also told Mam-ma that I am glad she is able to talk to me on the phone, so I can at least gauge how she is doing in that manner.  And she did sound stronger when I talked to her around noon.  Hopefully she will mend quickly and none of the rest of us will succumb.  With a baby on the way and a toddler to care for, we don't have time to be out of commission for four days!

I was initially frustrated last night over the responses I was given by the aides on duty.  But I think that part of this was due to the fact I was trying to juggle hosting duties at a party at the same time... and establishing the routine and relationship for the first time in one of these situations with the retirement center.  Once we had talked and I had explained my concerns, the aides were quite helpful and kind... and I do feel they were doing a decent job of meeting Mam-ma's needs.  It's a learning curve for all of us.

So hopefully this crisis will be short-lived, and we can all return to normal - whatever that is!  Meanwhile, I'm trying to rest for Timothy's return - which will be Wednesday, if not sooner... and could be a longer stay this time!  And when Mam-ma and the other residents are "bug-free," I'll return to check her out in person.  I'm sure she will be more than ready to see us by then!

Being the "Mom" to my grandmother and my great-nephew always brings rewards... and often has its challenges.  But sometimes, juggling the care of both of them and meeting their needs is harder than others... and this was one of those times.  I'm learning that I'm stronger than I thought... and that God has sent legions of angels to watch over all of us.  And for that, I am incredibly grateful and blessed!

Happy Mother's Day!

Thursday, May 5th, Southridge Retirement Center hosted a Mother's Day Luncheon.  Guests were invited.  I attended with Mam-ma Polly.  Because of the guests, the seating arrangements were something of a "fruit basket turnover," so we were seated at a different table than the one where Mam-ma usually dines.  Our table companions were a lady named Maxine, and a very nice gentleman from our community, Captain Claude Shaw.  Capt. Shaw is retired Navy, and he is a delightful man who has worked hard for several philanthropic organizations in our area.  After his retirement, he spent hours tending 105 rose bushes in his yard... and sharing the bounty with shut-ins and others throughout the community.  He was always buying bud vases at thrift stores and garage sales to use as vessels for his beautiful flower deliveries.


My Mam-ma Polly and me.

Before the lunch began, Mam-ma and I walked around and snapped some photos of her with a few of her closest friends.  One lady who was a guest of Mam-ma's friend, Mrs. Viola, snapped our photo, too!

Mam-ma's friend - Mrs. Viola - with her guest, Shirley.

Mam-ma Polly with her dear friend, Mrs. Viola.

My grandmother with her table-mates, Mrs. Evelyn
(a lifelong friend of our family), and Mrs. Ruth Garner
(my third-grade teacher, and a dear friend, as well).

The tables were set with tablecloths, nice appointments, vases of red roses and purple flowers picked from the beds that grace the facility grounds, place cards at each setting, and more.  Each mother received a carnation tied with a ribbon, and we all got candy kisses.  The meal included Waldorf salad, fried chicken, mixed squash, navy beans (which my grandmother calls "white soup beans" - and loves!), cornbread, and peanut butter pie.  The staff was busy serving coffee, tea, and water... and everything was quite lovely.

For the first time, my grandmother didn't have a SINGLE complaint!  The closest she came was telling me that she could not chew the apples in her salad.  Everything went well... she looked beautiful, the food was delicious, and the conversation was engaging.  Mam-ma had a great time visiting with Capt. Shaw... and long-time friends were seated at the adjacent table, so she visited with them, as well.

I realize that today could be altogether different.  Mam-ma is, after all, halfway to 99!  But I felt like we had significantly turned a corner yesterday.  I saw her engaged and active in her new surroundings.  I saw how the staff reacted to her as one of their more able-bodied - and clearheaded - residents.  They adore her... and she loves that!  Her needs are more than being met, and that is a huge comfort to me. 

Hopefully this trend will continue, and we can enjoy the next few years with each other.
I left her planning her next trip to Wal-Mart to buy gardening gloves, so that she can plant her prized pole bean seed as soon as the weather permits. 

I did feel badly for those mothers who had no guests to dine with them - and there were more than a few.  It seemed so sad to me that families can't find time to stop for a couple of hours and share an Easter or Mother's Day meal with their loved one.  I realize these special occasions have been held on a weekday, rather than on the actual holiday... perhaps because it's easier to have all staff members available to assist.  But still... could someone not come sit with these dear people on this day?  It astounds me.

The dilemma we faced this Mother's Day was a gift for my grandmother.  What do you get for someone with limited space and needs?  Mam-ma has enough cologne to last her several years. She has plenty of body lotions and toiletries... and she doesn't need clothing!  She doesn't have room for books... and the library has plenty of choices. Our solution was to give Mam-ma "spending money" to buy some things she wants... like gardening gloves... on the weekly trips to Wal-Mart.

But here are some suggestions for items that might be suitable for your mom or grandma:

• a big shady hat for wearing when he/she goes outside to sit in the sun or get fresh air
• cosmetics - incidentals add up, so if you know that your grandma needs extra face powder or make-up foundation, this might be a good time to replenish her stock.  Or fix a little basket with shower soap (or regular soap), toothpaste, shampoo, and a long shower brush for scrubbing.  There are some great plastic containers that are perforated - intended to be kept in the shower, yet allow water to drain - and they would be perfect as your "basket".
• note cards and stamps - if your senior is still able to send an occasional card - a book of postage stamps, and even some return address labels (even a sheet or two printed on your computer) would be helpful
• a subscription to a pretty magazine... Birds and Blooms, and Country Woman have been favorites of my grandmother.  They have little copy and lots of pretty pictures... and when she is finished with them, she can share with other residents.  Reminisce is another good one.
• a small photo album filled with family photos.  Make prints of some of your most recent photos of the family and start an album.  As you get more, you can fill in the remaining sleeves on subsequent visits.
• a decorative chain or lanyard to hold eyeglasses or the resident's "call button".  My grandmother doesn't like to wear her button around her neck, but if she had a pretty chain for it instead of the lanyard with medical advertising, she might be more inclined to do so.  And how many times has your mom or grandmother misplaced her eye glasses?  Perhaps a decorative chain to secure them - or one of the little pins that you can loop them through when not wearing them - would be in order.
• a large-print calendar, with important family dates (like birthdays and anniversaries) marked on them.  At the Easter luncheon, I was telling my grandmother about a funeral I had just attended for my cousin.  Mam-ma's friend, Ruby, said, "I'm so glad you tell Polly things and keep her informed.  If you don't tell us things, we lose touch."  Sharing important dates and keeping your senior informed can help to keep them aware of what is happening and feeling like they are "in the loop!"
• sunglasses.  My grandmother recently purchased a pair of sunglasses at Wal-Mart that slide on over her prescription glasses.  They are called "Solar Shields" and come in a couple of different styles and colors - retail cost is around $19.  She can slip these on easily when she steps outdoors... the clip-on style is too difficult for her to manipulate any longer.
• lipstick.  My grandmother still enjoys wearing a pretty shade of lipstick... and at around $8 or more a tube, this is not something she is inclined to purchase often for herself.  If your loved one is no longer interested in a lip color, consider a nice lip balm.
• Books on tape.  If your loved one has vision difficulties and can no longer see well enough to read, consider giving her a device that will play books on tape.  There are some fairly simple models available that most seniors can manage.  Check out http://www.amazon.com/ for options.
• a bird feeder and bird seed.  We put a small shepherd's hook outside my grandmother's window and hung a simple tube feeder.  My husband sometimes uses this as an excuse to drop by - he carries a container of bird seed and replenishes the feeder.  We also got my grandmother a simple book on songbirds and their care, so that she can identify what birds visit her feeder.  More than once, she has called me to tell me that a "hairy woodpecker" or a "red finch" were feeding there.

You have to think outside the box to come up with a suitable and clever Mother's Day gift for someone who lives in a residential facility... but it can be done.  While they may have plenty of food and the basic necessities, this doesn't mean that a gift and a simple card are not still appreciated - even coveted.  Our loved ones went to a facility to get the care and attention to their personal needs that was required.  The enhancements to their quality of living come in great measure from continued contact with family and friends.  Holidays are an especially important time to be sure to remember these dear seniors... and to give them a gift that says, "Happy Mother's Day - we still love you!"

Where's the Beans?

Einstein said the definition of insanity was repeating the same thing again and again... and expecting different results.  Maybe that explains why we have told my grandmother more than once that everything is gone from her house - sold/shared/donated -  and the house itself is under contract to be sold... yet she continues to ask where certain things are.  This is the same person who said as we packed the things to take to the Assisted Living Facility... "Just stick a match to the rest of it!"

So one afternoon last week, Mam-ma left a message on our answering machine... "It's Mam-ma... I was a wonderin' what y'all did with the stuff in the drawer of that cabinet out on the back porch."  Click.  That was it.  I called her back, but she was out of her apartment, so I left my own message.  "I am not sure what you are wanting from the drawer, but everything is gone.  There is nothing left in your house, and it should be sold in the next couple of weeks."

That evening, Mam-ma called again.  "Well," she said, "I was a lookin' for them bean seeds that were out in that drawer.  What did y'all do with 'em?"  I told her I had no clue... they did not come home with me. Now, I vaguely remembered my mom's husband, Lee, coming into the kitchen with an envelope or jar of beans and asking me about them... and I'm pretty sure I told him that there was no telling how old they were - and to toss them!  Mam-ma continued.  "Well, who got the things in the freezer?"  "We divvied them up amongst us," I told her. 

"Well, there was another jar of bean seed in the freezer.  I've called my friends Leon and Wanda - they give me that seed, but they don't have any more.  Their daughter Lesa drove to Clinton last week and got some for them... but I'm not a goin' to Clinton."  Her voice trailed off pitifully.  I told her I was not going to Clinton, either.  Clinton is a 45 minute drive across the lake from our community.  I told Mam-ma I was sorry, but the bean seed was gone... like everything else.  "Remember," I told her, "you picked out everything you wanted to take and keep, and we dispersed the rest.  I didn't know you would want bean seed." 

It turns out that the maintenance man at the ALF is helping Mam-ma and some of the residents make a garden... and Mam-ma apparently at least thinks she is "large and in charge."  She told "that girl" (I think she means the administrator), that they needed to plant pole beans, and this person said if she had some seed, James (the maintenance man) would plant them.  So Mam-ma was on a mission to find some bean seeds.  And apparently the ones she got from Leon were akin to gold.

When I related this story to my mom, she said, "I know what she is talking about.  Leon brought her an envelope of bean seed one Sunday, and he handed them to her at Sunday-school, and she quickly locked them inside her purse like they were gold coins!"  Of course, we found several jars and envelopes of seeds - some marked, some not - and we had no clue what some of them were - or how old they were - or even if they would grow anything.  So I am sure many packets were tossed in the garbage - not out of malice, but because we had no idea what else to do with them.

So the following day, my mother e-mailed me and said she had related this story to her husband, Lee, over lunch.  Lee stopped eating and said, "I have some seeds... if I can remember where I put them.  I'm not sure whether they came from Polly's or my brother's."  Lee's brother died a month ago in California, and he and my mom spent the previous month parked in his driveway in their RV... helping with the care of Lee's brother and the subsequent cleaning of his house when he passed.

Mom said she went to walk her dog, and when she returned, Lee had found the seed and was on his way to Southridge to give them to Mam-ma Polly.  Mom said, "I saw the envelopes on the kitchen table - and they were labeled in what was clearly Mam-ma's handwriting.  And I recognized one envelope as the one that Leon had given her at church that Sunday - it said "rattlesnake beans."  I remembered then... Lee had come into the kitchen and asked me about "rattlesnake beans!"  I told him I'd never heard of them... no telling how old they were or where Mam-ma got them... and to just toss them.  He told Mom... "I don't always listen well!"

So now Lee is the "Golden Boy" who saved the bean seed.  However, he will also be the one Mam-ma asks, "Whatever happened to such-and-such?"  Surely if he saved the bean seed, he must have saved other things!

As a footnote to this saga... yesterday, I went to an estate auction. As I was leaving, I saw Leon and Wanda approaching... and as I neared my car, I saw their daughter, Lesa.  I said, "Oh, I have a funny story to tell you!"  I began relating about the bean seed, and she said, "Yes, I know... I've got to dig through the freezer this afternoon and see if I can find another packet of seed for Polly."  I stopped her... "Oh...no, no, no!  You don't need to do that... Lee had saved the seed, and he's already delivered it!"  Lesa was thrilled.  And I was so happy at the Divine Intervention that caused us to meet, because I rarely see my childhood friend.  It had to be a "God thing!"

So we laughed about our parents/grandparents and caring for them, wiped our brows with relief that all is well with the prized bean seeds, and went our separate ways.  I told Lesa, I pity the people at Southridge who are planting that garden, because they will never "garden" to suit my grandmother.  If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know how she is about plants, flowers, and gardening.  James handles Mam-ma pretty well... he's already somewhat "gotten her number".  But when it comes to gardening, things are on a whole other level.  I hope he doesn't "rurn" it... but more than that, I hope Mam-ma doesn't cuss at him!  It may be a long, hot summer!

Chocolate, Heaters, and Two-year-olds

Everything is going well with my grandmother.  She made a trip to Wal-Mart with the Southridge activities director and bought herself some sunglasses and a hat for her walks outside around the facility.  The staff told me she had spent time yesterday morning in the garden... although she didn't mention it to me at all!  I'm learning to function more in her "world" when I am there and leave it at that... so far, so good!

Yesterday, I visited Mam-ma, filled her bird feeder, and took back some clothing I had laundered and ironed for her.  When I arrived, she was not in her room, but residents nearby told me she was in the "library" area near the front entrance.  As I made my way there, I heard the unmistakable talk and laugh of Timothy.  My sister had brought him over for a visit. I found the three of them there... my sister and Mam-ma sitting in chairs, with Timothy perched atop Mam-ma's walker (it has a little seat).  He was looking at a little book made out of fabric with Mam-ma.  We visited for a minute or two, and then Mam-ma insisted we return to her room.

I had noticed when I was outside filling the bird feeder that Mam-ma's heater was running.  The temperature had risen to the upper 70s, and it felt quite nice outside.  Inside Mam-ma's room was another matter altogether.  It was very hot, of course... and she didn't seem to notice, sitting comfortably in her chair wearing a blouse and a jacket made of sweatshirt material!

Timothy noticed a bowl of peppermints on the coffee table.  Mam-ma told him he couldn't have one, but she would find something for him.  She got a fun-sized Three Musketeers bar out of her drawer and unwrapped it for him.  He started eating... the chocolate started melting.  As he navigated the small room fingering Mam-ma's knick-knacks, she admonished, "Don't let him get that candy on the quilt!"  Yeah, right!  I maneuvered him away from the bed, and I opened drawers until I found a roll of paper towels - quickly darting to the bathroom to moisten one.  I returned in time to wipe Timmy's hand and the two drawers he had just smeared with chocolate!

Back to the bathroom with Towel #2... and when I returned, Timmy had switched hands, and now the OTHER hand was covered in chocolate.  My sister finally retrieved the rest of the candy bar and helped Timmy finish it, so we could clean up and be done with that.  I learned later that Timmy gets candy every time he visits.  I said to my sister, "Well, DUH... he knows to ask for those peppermints so he will get chocolate!"  She said she supposed so.  I'm quite sure of it... he's smart enough to figure out that one!

Chocolate and heat and all things considered, it was a good visit.  We sang and "performed" for Mam-ma... and she laughed and clapped at Timmy's antics.  He grew restless, and Mam-ma told me to "Put him on that walker and push him up and down the halls."  I did, while she and my sister visited.  And I told my husband later... the residents LOVED it.  They were gathering in the hallways in anticipation of dinner in the dining hall, and each time we passed them, they oohed and ahhed over Timothy - "Bring him here!  He's so precious!  Come here and let me have a look at him!" 

We forget that older people seldom see a baby or a small child... and they miss them!  And Timmy was fine with all of the attention.  He gave a man named Charley a "high five" - he smiled and jibbered for a couple of ladies I know, and he waved at everyone.

These visits are good for all concerned - they thrill my grandmother... AND her fellow residents. They give us a buffer - something to focus on other than my grandmother's complaints.  And they teach Timmy to love and respect the elderly.  In all, I would say that while the visits had elements of a rodeo, it was still time well spent.

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Creating Balance in Your Sandwich... How to Avoid Doing the Wrong Things

The sale is over... and the final clean-up has begun.  I have to box up what did not sell and get it ready for the local thrift store... and then meet a driver who will come to collect the items.  That should finish my portion of the business with regard to Mam-ma's house and belongings.  Lest anyone think that this frees me of any responsibilities, there are still monthly bills to be paid... so that involves a checking account... and almost daily phone calls from my grandmother with something she needs... forgot... doesn't like... or has just remembered.

There are still "wrinkles" to smooth - like a mix-up with the pharmacy used by the ALF and over billing... and a few other little things... but nothing major.  This morning our power went out during a thunderstorm and was off for two hours.  I was so thankful that my grandmother was in a place where someone could attend to her and handle such matters... and I wasn't worried about her... or the contents of her freezer melting, and other problems.

Last week, I attended my first "Family Council" meeting at the ALF one afternoon.  The meeting ended up lasting two hours... but it was time well spent.  The speaker was an R.N. who is affiliated with Hospice, and the focus of her presentation was on Hospice care for Alzheimer's patients.  However, the information was appropriate for anyone caring for an elderly person... particularly those with dementia or the onset of dementia.

I learned several things about Alzheimer's patients that I did not know... how they often become obsessed with sorting, and many of them spend hours every day sorting their clothing, packing, and making little piles of their belongings.  The nurse and the ALF administrator said the biggest hurdle with some of these obsessive behaviors is getting the caregivers and family members of these residents to "let it go" and be okay with the disarray in the room and the annoying behaviors.  Another common thing is dressing in multiples... wearing more than one shirt and/or pair of pants.  It doesn't hurt the patients, but it makes some caregivers and family members nuts!  And learning to let this be okay is vital to the mental health of all parties!

I also learned that, even with my grandmother, when we are at the ALF, we must operate in their world.  If my grandmother is focused on something she views as a problem... like what happened to all of her stuff... it's my job to gently change the subject and redirect the focus.  The administrator said that one day she entered the room of an Alzheimer's patient who was packing, and the patient said, "I'm going home today."  She replied, "Great!  Come have dinner with us first - before you leave."  By the time the resident ate, he/she had forgotten about the move.  If I can learn to avoid conflict and argument with my grandmother and gently redirect the conversations when they become argumentative or controversial... then leave it at the door... we will both be happier!

I relayed some of what I learned to my mother, and she said, "Yes, I did it all wrong with my mother."  And while I'm not sure that is totally true, she did argue with my grandmother a lot.  When Grandmother saw my grandfather (who had been dead for years) in the dining hall "with another woman," and Grandmother insisted she had read about their liaisons in the local newspaper, she shouted, "I will not have this!"  And my mother insisted that she was NOT seeing Grand-dad... and that this was totally ridiculous. They argued about this for months. My grandmother had Parkinson's disease... which produces a dementia similar to Alzheimer's.  She thought her baby doll was real... and she called my niece Samantha to almost her dying day.  My niece's name is Jasmine.  There were dozens of these little quirks... and admittedly my grandmother was always quirky... but they escalated as she declined... and we did not handle them well much of the time.

Had we learned to redirect the conversations more and steer Grandmother to more pleasant and less confrontational topics, we might have had happier visits quite often.  There's more to this story, but every little "tool" helps to create a happier environment, so I was glad to gain a few strategies from my meeting... and I hope they will help others. 

Toward this end, here are a few other suggestions that were presented in a hand-out we were given from the National Caregiving Foundation.  I have selected a few that I feel apply to any elderly person - not just those with Alzheimer's.

• Your care-recipient will be upset about what the future holds. He needs to be reassured that the family will see that he is cared for. He needs to continue to feel that he is a valued family member.
   
• Be very vigilant about keeping him as involved as possible in the family's activities and decision-making; this will help him to cope with his own anxiety. 
• Don't talk about his memory loss in front of him and certainly not as though he is not there; such behavior on your part, can be very upsetting and demeaning for him. 
• Don't allow him to become withdrawn because he can't remember short term events and conversation very well.
• Don't be demanding about normal daily activities. An example is letting him dress himself even though it takes time. Be patient; not critical. You can assist him by setting his clothes out in the order of putting on.
• He will almost certainly still be able to manage simple chores which do not tax his memory, so involve him; it will help him to maintain his dignity.
• If he tends to get lost when he goes on errands put his name and address in his wallet to make him feel more secure.
• In the event that he forgets the names of people he knows well, prompt him discreetly, to help him save face.
• Don't confront him with complex, challenging decisions or questions; if you do, you will almost certainly add to his confusion.

The website for the National Caregiving Foundation offers lots of good information and support.  I encourage you to check them out for yourself by visiting the website.  And remember... it's all about balance.  Last week, in the middle of all of the chaos of the sale and getting things in order, I took an afternoon off to hike six miles with my husband and share a picnic lunch on a sunny spring day.  A few days later, I set aside everything to spend the entire day playing with our little Timothy... hiding Easter eggs, reading books, working puzzles, singing and dancing, and appreciating the wonders and excitement of a 2-year-old's world.  

Thinking about that time made the hectic days that followed so much more manageable.  I hope you are finding ways to create balance in your "sandwich!"

ESP and Old People

It has been four weeks today since my grandmother moved to Southridge. We've just about got everything priced for the big "moving sale" this weekend, and it looks like my mother may have a buyer for the house.  Things are progressing well, and the proverbial "elephant" is disappearing... one bite at a time.

Last week, my sister spent her two days off helping me sort and price things for the sale.  My mother and her husband came and helped during those days, also.  It's a huge task to sort, clean and tag everything, and we have a few more hours of work to do before the doors open, but I think we are about ready.  I know my sister and I were sore and tired after spending a couple of LONG days on our feet, digging through drawers, and scrubbing really dirty items from the garage and storm cellar.

In the middle of the first day, shortly after my mother arrived to help, her cell phone rang.  It was my Mam-ma.  "I've fallen out of the bed," she told Mom.  Mom asked her if she was hurt, and had she called for her nurse?  When she hung up, she said that my grandmother's first word was "Debbie?"  "No, you've reached Arline - you called my cell phone."  Mom asked, "Do you think I should drive to Southridge and see about this?"  I told her no... I wanted to wait and see if Southridge would contact me.  "Let's give this system time to work," I told her.

Very soon, my cell phone was ringing.  The R.N. on duty at Southridge assured me that Mam-ma was fine... nothing broken.  She said that Mam-ma slid out of her bed as she tried to get into it for an afternoon nap, and she hit her hip and her forehead on the night stand.  The nurse said "I have no idea how she managed that!"  She said Mam-ma would have bruises and be sore, but otherwise she was fine... and mad about her bed being too high.  She said that Mam-ma told her, "I've already called that guy who sold me the bed and told him it's too high!"  I thanked the nurse and hung up.

My second call was from Mam-ma.  "I've fallen out of my bed."  Yes, I know... the nurse called me...and she said you would be okay."  "Well, this bed is too high, and I've called Max (the furniture salesman) and told him, and he's a gettin' me a shorter one."  I could not believe what I was hearing.  "You've called Max about the bed?"  "Yes... a few weeks ago... and I just talked to him, and he said he's ordered me a new one, but it hasn't come in yet."  I said, "Mam-ma, you should not have called Max... you need to let ME handle these things."  She starts to blubber and cry... "Well, I didn't know what else to do... I told you the bed was too high."  "No... you told everyone BUT me.  You have not mentioned the bed to me since the day you moved in." 

She continued to cry... "I wish I had never moved down here."  I looked around at her house... piles of items to sort... more piles priced to sell... "I just wish I could die," she told me.  I stopped her quickly... "I will NOT listen to that!" I told her firmly.  "You've had a scare, and you need to pull yourself together and calm down.  Get into your bed and rest." "Well... if I can get in there."  "You've gotten in for three weeks now... I think you can get in a few more days... and if you can't get in without help, sit quietly in your chair."  I hung up... my blood pressure rising.  We discussed the possibility that Mam-ma sensed that we were working on the sale of her things... my maternal grandmother had a massive stroke the day before HER estate sale that resulted in my mom holding a bedside vigil over her in a Little Rock hospital.  Do old people really have ESP about these things?

To make a long story shorter, I talked with my friend, Max, at the local furniture store.  Yes, Polly had been calling for three weeks, telling him that her new mattress set was too tall... and he had ordered her a thinner box spring.  I was so embarrassed.  I apologized and told Max that this was the first that I was informed that there was a problem with the mattress set.  He assured me it was no big deal... although he and his son later admitted that the discarded box spring will have to be discounted and cannot be resold as "new."  However, they would not hear of me paying them for taking a new mattress to Southridge, changing it out and remaking the bed... even when I learned that Max's son had to wait while Mam-ma took her bath!

I tried to stress to Mam-ma that she must let ME handle such things in the future and not be calling all over town.  My sister and I stopped by to see her later that evening on our way home, and she was bruised and talking up how sore she was... but the nurse told us that she managed to get herself up, walk around the room, and call Max at the furniture store BEFORE she rang her alert buzzer for a nurse to come to her aid!  The nurse said, "I knew right away nothing was broken."

So my mother's husband spent the past weekend in a Little Rock hospital after experiencing a urinary blockage.  After spending 2 nights in the hospital, he was released on Monday and helped us sort, price and move things on Tuesday and Wednesday.  He saw his urologist on Wednesday and thought things were fine... but Wednesday night, he had another flare-up and returned to our local ER for medical assistance.  Now my grandmother says, "Well, I've had trouble with my kidneys for over a week now, and I can't pee good." 

If you have followed this blog, you know that a summer or so ago, we visited the doctor because Mam-ma "couldn't pee."  He assured her that her Lasix was doing the trick, and by early afternoon, she had gone all she needed to go for most of the rest of the day.  Nothing has changed.  Tonight on the phone she told me, "Well, one time that nurse came and I told her I couldn't pee good, and she talked to the doctor, and he told her to give me another pill."  (I have no idea what nurse - or when this occurred, but it was nothing recent.) She continued, "I don't think this nurse is giving me all of my medicine right." I assured her that when we visited her doctor in January for an evaluation for the move, he reviewed all of her medications, and HE was the one who sent the medication orders to Southridge and told them what to give - and when to give it!  And yes, she still gets two Lasix pills a day... that has not changed!

I am quite sure that Mam-ma is having these problems because Mom's husband is having trouble.  There is virtually no ailment known to man that my grandmother has not experienced.  All you have to do is say, "I have such-and-such," and she says, "Oh, I know all about that... back in so-and-so year, I had the worst case of that and I've never been so sick in all my life!"  So I am thinking that when Mom's husband improves, Mam-ma will, also... or the new ailment of the day will arise.

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Saturday, I talked to Mam-ma shortly before she headed to the dining room for dinner at 5:00 p.m.  About 5:30, I began my daily workout routine.  The phone rang.  I figured either my husband would get it or the answering machine would pick up... and since Mam-ma had already called, I didn't think it would be her.  A little while later, the phone rang again.  I was still working out and didn't answer.  Both calls showed on Caller ID to be my grandmother.  I tried to return her call, but the line was busy - and then she was gone to tea.  So it was after 8:30 when I finally reached her.

"Did you call again earlier?" I asked innocently.  "Yes," she said... and she began to cry and blubber.  "I wanted to apologize to you."  "For what?" I asked.  "For calling about that mattress.  I don't want you to be mad at me, but I didn't know what else to do.  That mattress was too tall."  I assured her I was not mad... it was over and done... the new mattress was in place, and she needed to move on... I had!  She continued to sniffle.  I reminded her to let me handle these things from now on, but to forget about the mattress and just enjoy it.

The next day I learned that when I did not answer my phone, Mam-ma called my sister and cried to her... she could not reach me, and she wanted to apologize.  My sister talked very frankly to her (my sister can say things to Mam-ma that I could never get by with saying!) and told her to stop her crying and move on... that nobody was upset, and it was over and done!  The crying spells are becoming more frequent and irrational... and we can see that my grandmother is declining mentally and emotionally.

On a funny note... before my grandmother moved to Southridge, I noticed one day that she had two fairly new hand-held mixers in her kitchen.  I used my maternal grandmother's hand-held Sunbeam until the motor literally began to smoke and the cord shorted out... and then I bought a cheap mixer at Wal-Mart.  Mam-ma's looked much nicer, and she told me, "Take whichever one you want."  I selected a six-speed GE model. 

Saturday, I made banana bread, and I used the "new" mixer.  It worked great, but halfway through the mixing process, I smelled something burning - and it seemed to come from the motor.  I also noticed something rattling in the mixer.  So once the bread was in the oven, I got my screwdriver and dismantled the mixer.  First I had to soak and scrape crystallized sugar from the exterior near the small slit-like vent openings.  Once I got the mixer apart, several "rocks" of crystallized sugar fell out, and I chiseled a chunk of crystallized sugar the size of a large marble from the interior.  AND... no lie... there were TWO peanut halves that fell out of the mixer!  I have no clue how in the world those peanuts got inside that mixer with only those teeny vent slits... but I had to laugh.  Only my grandmother's mixer would contain peanuts and sugar!  I cleaned the mixer and reassembled it, and it runs like new... minus the peanut/sugar rattlers!

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I know I said that I would start to utilize this space to offer helpful suggestions and tips for coping with the challenges of being a part of the Sandwich Generation, and I do want to honor this promise.  So my suggestion for today is to investigate long-term care insurance. This can be quite costly... but if the day comes that you or your loved one needs it, you will be so happy to know you made provisions.  Assisted living facilities, nursing homes, and even in-home care can be so costly.  There are dozens of options for long-term care coverage, but there are plans that even will cover in-home assistance... everything from medical aid to housekeeping, cooking, transportation, and general care.

Start by talking to your insurance agent and find out if his/her company offers options.  Then query a couple of other agents about their options and compare them side-by-side.  You can also do a Google search for long-term care insurance and compare plans, read reviews by consumers, and basically do your homework before plunking down hard-earned cash for the coverage you desire.

I've know far too many people who get to a time when extra help is needed, and they either find themselves totally unprepared and unable to afford the services, or they can't liquidate their assets fast enough to pay for the help that is needed.  Don't get caught in this quandary!  Start investigating long-term care insurance now... hopefully well before you will ever need it!

"In a Few Weeks, You Couldn't Drag Her Back Home..."

"In a few weeks, you couldn't drag her back home!"  This was the phrase my 87-year-old cousin uttered to me yesterday when I stopped to visit with him and told him how my grandmother was settling in at the assisted living facility (ALF).  I think he's right.  It's been almost two weeks, and I've seen a marked adjustment in my grandmother's attitude already.

Don't get me wrong.  It's not been all smoothe sailing... at least not from my vantage point.  She has blown up at both me and my husband, who - as my cousin put it - we thought walked on water!  She spun on a dime last week in front of my mom and her husband, wagged her little finger at me and expressed at the top of her lungs her disgust with me over the size of a hand towel!  But in all, she is adjusting more every day.

Yesterday, we revisited "the closet" and removed several items that I didn't want to take in the first place - but she insisted.  Now she realizes she doesn't need them, won't wear them... and doesn't even like them.  Some don't even fit!

Her chief complaints seem to be... 1) There is too much good food... I'm gaining a lot of weight; and 2) There is too much to do down here!  She very well may be gaining a few pounds, but we've told her Wal-Mart sells bigger pants!  And she is getting good food - three times a day every day, as well as regulated medication as prescribed - every dose!  That has to make a difference!

Tea time happens every night.   I took her two boxes of Sleepytime Herbal Tea tonight, along with another couple of boxes of Chewy Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies for Tea Time.  Yesterday, she won a Nestle's Crunch candy bar - a big one... playing BINGO!  Yes, she still plays BINGO, despite her declaration the first day that she would "never play again!"  She has made new friends, rekindled old friendships, and won the hearts of the staff already.  She has the maintenance guy wrapped around her little finger.  She told him yesterday, "I just love you!"  His reply... "I love you more!"

I'm sure there will be bumps in the road and days when things are simply awful there.  But for the most part, it's getting better.  I still have to clean out the house and have a sale, so that my mom can put the house on the market.  But that will happen soon.  I'm ready to get this all done.  My husband and I went out of town to shop last week, and as we sat in a restaurant having a nice lunch, I told him, "It is such a relief to know that Mam-ma is safe and sound, cared for and having fun doing what she is supposed to do.  I can relax and enjoy my lunch and the day - and I'm having a wonderful time."  I look forward to even more of this... and more quality days for my grandmother, as well.  I really can see light at the end of this tunnel!

Timothy visited us all day on Thursday.  How we have missed him the last couple of months.  We read, played with toys, watched "Jack's Big Music Show," went for strolls on a warm spring day and played outside.  It was a very good day... and at the end, Timothy found the full moon rising in the sky - the one we read about in his story books - and he pointed and showed everyone, "MOON!"  A very good day indeed.

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On another front, my 87-year-old cousin (I guess he's about my 3rd cousin), is really starting to decline.  He lives in a condominium on the same campus as my grandmother.  His wife died several years ago, and he has a companion now... a nice lady named Mary.  Last week, Mary fell as they left the local dance hall, and she broke her leg.  So she has had surgery to insert a rod in her leg, and she is in a hospital in a city 30 miles away.

My cousin has the onset of Alzheimer's.  He was diagnosed about 3 years ago, and honestly, I could just not see that at the time.  He still seemed good to me... told great stories and jokes - and remembered the punch lines - and he just seemed clear as a bell for his age.  But Mary told me that "he can't remember what I told him an hour ago.  Long term memory is fine, but the short-term is really bad."  On top of all of this, he has had heart bypass surgery and now has an aneurysm on his belly that is "very large and very long."  He saw a surgeon recently about having stents put in to relieve the aneurysm... he is not a candidate for conventional surgery.  To date, no one has called him with a surgery date.

The doctors say if this surgery is not performed, someday soon this aneurysm will rupture, and my cousin will simply be gone in an instant.  Doesn't sound all that bad to me (or my cousin)... until you factor in that my cousin still drives.. and he has been driving himself to this nearby city to visit his companion, Mary.  My mother talked with him sternly and told him flatly that he could kill someone else if this aneurysm ruptures while he is at the wheel.  He got friends to take him back and forth to the hospital the next two days.  But he drove himself around our town - to a local restaurant for breakfast, and who knows where else.

I stopped to visit with my cousin yesterday.  He has three grown children, but none live in our community - the closest is about 4 hours away.  They have been made aware of this situation.  I asked my cousin how he got to the hospital yesterday... he said two lady friends he knows from the dance hall took him.  I know one of these ladies, and she is capable of making this drive... and she is a very sweet lady.  My cousin said they were coming back for him last night for the dance.  I asked, "What time are they coming?"  "Oh, I don't know," he answered.  It was about 6:00 p.m., and I mentioned the time, and I asked, "What are you doing for dinner?"  He replied, "I don't remember if they said anything about dinner or not."  I offered to fix him something.  He said no thanks... he ate a handful of nuts and drank a Coke.

Then he said, "I really can't remember what they said about coming back.  I'm sure they are coming after me... I just don't know when."  His answering machine was blinking, and I said, "You have eight messages."  He replied, "I don't know how to get them off."  Now, even my Mam-ma can get her messages off the answering machine!  I offered to get them, and he said this would be great!  So I got the messages... and one was a cardiologist's office - he missed his telephone pacemaker check.  There was no message from the surgeon about a date for his aneurysm surgery, but I pointed out that he could easily miss a message for that by not checking his machine.  I offered to stop by again and check the messages, and he didn't say yes... but he didn't say no.

Also on the machine was a message from Mary's daughter - "Poppa... remember to take your medicine.  This is your reminder.  Take your medicine... okay?"  I asked... "Did you take your medicine?"  "Well," he answered, "I think I did."  He was recently hospitalized for pneumonia and is probably still on antibiotics, along with medications for blood pressure and other things related to his heart.  I really don't know.  My parting words to him were, "Remember to take your medicine."  He said, "I'll try - I think I have a couple more doses left."

You know those e-mail jokes that come around about people saying and doing stupid things, and the punch line is... "They walk among us!"?  Well, there are countless people like my cousin who have no business living alone unattended... much less DRIVING... who WALK AMONG US... and honestly, the highways and city streets are incredibly dangerous because of this!  I have vowed not to get too involved in this situation, much as I love this man, because honestly, I have plenty to worry about as it is... and he does have three... count 'em - THREE grown children (at least one of whom is retired) who could handle this!

I know this is the tip of the iceberg for what goes on in this country with regard to our elderly and how they are treated... and it's honestly no better for many of our children.  We often find ourselves encountering situations that involve both old and young people who "need a keeper!"  In this case, I simply refuse to be "It!"

What about you?  Do you have situations that you can share with others in this space... and are willing to do so?  Please use the link in the left sidebar to contact me and tell your story.  I will try to begin offering suggestions/solutions/encouragement to you in your own journey... utilizing some of the information I have gleaned from my experiences and the new insights I am sure I will gain from this leg of the journey involving an assisted living facility.  My prayer is that you are getting plenty of rest, taking care of yourself, and that you realize you are never alone in this Sandwich!

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Today, I stopped by my grandmother's house to drop of the clothes she doesn't want, so I can price them next week for the upcoming sale. I started sorting through her cookbooks, and I stumbled upon a spiral notebook, in which my grandmother had recorded something of a "journal" - lots of information and stories about her life as a young girl... and as a young wife and mother.  I felt these insights truly reflected the real Polly.  She was writing down her thoughts and recollections... not making a great story for someone else.  It was enlightening, and humbling as I read about how hard she worked even as a child... how she even made my grandfather's underwear from old feed sacks because that was all they could afford.

Over and over, as my grandmother told how hard she worked, she kept saying, "But we sure had fun."  She talked of how my she and my grandfather started their marriage with almost quite literally nothing... yet they loved each other and made their own way.  She talked of giving birth to my dad while living in a 3-room shanty... and how much they loved him.  She talked of struggles along the way and hard times... but she didn't complain... at least not in this journal.  She also spoke of how much she felt the Holy Spirit... and how vital her relationship with her Lord has been to her through the years.

My mom gave my grandmother this notebook and asked her to write down some things on the pages.  In the inside cover, Mom wrote this passage from Jeremiah 29:11... "For I know the plans I have for you," said the Lord... "plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  I think it is fitting that God has allowed my grandmother to make this recent move... to live in the "lap of luxury" compared to much of her life.  I hope that she finds these weeks/months/years to be as filled with fun and love as the times she writes of in the journal... maybe even more.  As I see it, God is still providing her with plans for a good future filled with hope... His reward for her faithful service.  We should all be so blessed!