Who is Driving the Car...Keeping Your "Sandwich" Safe

Some of the most challenging situations you and I will ever experience center around a car. I still remember begging my parents to let me drive before my 16th birthday.  Several other kids my age had been given the keys to their parents' cars well before they were of legal age to drive. One of my cousins and a great-niece already had brand new cars in the garage several months before their 16th birthday...ready for them to drive on their big day.  But my parents would not relent...and I was not allowed to make a solo drive until the morning of my 16th birthday.

Me atop my Grand-dad's car in a high school parade - 1972.
I think the car was a Plymouth Sebring!

Conversely, I remember the ordeal that arose when my mother had to tell my Grand-dad (her dad) that he could no longer drive.  He was not having it!  My grandmother stopped driving fairly early, because she was given a diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease, and she somewhat reluctantly accepted the fact that it was deemed unsafe for her to drive. But my poor grandfather felt that my mother and dad were totally emasculating him by suggesting that he put down his car keys.  

Never mind that Grand-dad could not see well enough to discern a raw onion from potatoes on the dinner table...or that he could not hear most of what was said in normal conversation.  Forget the fact that Grand-dad passed someone on the highway north of town one night and took off this person's side mirror - and never knew it!  My Grand-dad still thought he needed to be able to drive...if for no other reason than to be able to transport my grandmother wherever she wished to go. The only way Mother convinced Grand-dad to give up his car is by telling him that a beloved grandson who lived in Texas needed the vehicle.  If Brent needed his car, Grand-dad was glad to let him have it.  

I am quite certain that on some level, my grandfather realized that he was being handed an "out"...but he was allowed to "save face" somewhat.  He wasn't really giving up driving as much as he was helping out his grandson by providing him with a car.  And that was that...except that more than ever, my mother and I - and other family members - were called upon for rides to everything from church to doctor appointments to shopping trips, and more.  And we made this "taxi service" work.

My great-Aunt Altha simply declared at some point that she was finished driving. She called her grandson and told him to sell her car...which he did.  Nothing else was said...there was no remorse.  My aunt fully realized that the time had come to put away her car keys and let someone else do the driving. If only it were always that easy!

1967 Chevy Impala similar to the one my grandmother owned. 
Photo from http://www.impalass427.com

When my dad's mother - my Mam-ma Polly - began to have some little "fender benders" at age 95, we began to hint that the car should probably go.  However, the decision was pretty much hers. And one day, she asked my sister and brother-in-law if they would help her sell her 1967 Chevy Impala - a "mountain-green" tank with a white hard top (similar to the one pictured, but I think hers was four-door).  I believe the buyer paid $500...but the bigger payoff was that the car was not available...and the temptation to drive it was removed.

My Grand-dad and my Mam-ma Polly both lamented frequently that they had to depend on others for rides. They really missed their cars. I think my maternal grandmother and great-aunt enjoyed being chauffeured around - especially my grandmother.  It was not always convenient to shuttle them here and there...and we couldn't always drop everything and go at the very minute that they called and wanted a ride. For my grandmother, especially, planning ahead was a real problem - and apparently not in her vocabulary. But in the end, we made it work as best we could for everyone...and hopefully, we kept the roads safer for others.

December 21, 2015, a 90-year-old man over-corrected on the highway just outside our community and crossed the center line, hitting my brother-in-law, Bruce, and his wife head-on.  The man died at the hospital an hour or so later.  Bruce endured four bowel-resection surgeries in 3 days due to internal injuries from his seat belt...and on New Year's Eve, he succumbed to a heart attack and died. This caused all of us to begin to take a hard look at the driving habits of my mother-in-law, who was then 89. 

We talked about the car - and no longer driving...and Grandma E would say, "I want to drive until I am 90."  Greg agreed to this...as long as nothing changed. She rarely drove anywhere...Walmart, the beauty shop, or maybe to church.  Once in awhile, she would venture across town to visit us.  Still, we worried about her reflexes...and how she might react to other drivers.  As the months ticked by and we neared her June birthday, Greg and his older brother began to discuss what to do about her car.

Just as had happened with my cousin and my grandfather, our great-nephew was on the hunt for a good "commuter car" to drive to work each day in Nashville, Tennessee. The 2007 Ford Fusion that Grandma E was driving had right at 15,000 miles and looked like brand new.  Her sons began to suggest that Grandma E give the car to her grandson.  And she agreed to do this. 

I will tell you, the day that our great-nephew and his family drove away from Grandma E's in the little white car was bittersweet.  I knew it signaled a shift in the family dynamic...and a dependency upon us for her trips - to anywhere! But we have managed pretty well, so far.  The biggest issue we have had is getting Grandma to remember to plan ahead...and on some levels, that's just not gonna happen!  So when I picked her up one morning last week to go to our Aquatic Center for a swim, she said, "I've called in a prescription refill at the pharmacy, and it will be ready later today."  Luckily, it was ready by the time we finished our swim, and we were able to stop and pick it up on the way home.

Other times, she has forgotten to tell us ahead of time about an appointment - or she hasn't remembered that she is running low on milk and other staples.  So Greg has had to adjust his schedule to accommodate an extra "run" to the store - or to her house to pick her up or deliver her somewhere.  But the payoff is that we know that she is not driving herself.

We recently got rid of the last two "5-way harness" car safety seats that we had for Nathan and Zola and promoted them to high-back booster seats like their brother, Timothy, uses. These seats utilize the car's seat belt to strap the child in securely, and we are still teaching "the littles" to fasten their own latches.  But once that is accomplished, the wrestling of those straps from the other car seats will be a distant memory in the rear-view mirror!  These seats should serve the children for the rest of the time they need a child safety seat...so switching them out was monumental in our world!

And yes, some days, we have to do some strategic planning...who needs to be delivered where - and when - and where we will all sit. Right now, our Chevy Tahoe has ample seating for us, Grandma E, and the three children - with a little room to spare.  And thankfully, Grandma E is able to pull herself up into vehicle...something my Mam-ma Polly was always able to do, also.  Otherwise, we would have had another adjustment to make!

I share all of this to say that getting everyone safely from Point A to Point B can be a challenge.  And getting your seniors to stop driving when it's time may be one of the biggest issues you will face in managing their care.  There is a lot to consider as you make this change.  I know people in their 90s who are still driving and doing a fairly good job of it...and I know people in their 70s (like my maternal grandparents) who were already past the time when they could safely maneuver a motor vehicle.  

Each person and situation is different. I know more than one caregiver or guardian who has hidden his/her parent's car keys. I know children who have called the local police and BEGGED them to "make Mom or Dad quit driving"  - and they cannot do this.  Unless your loved one is involved in an accident or fails a driving test, the police are powerless to say, "You have to stop driving" just because this person is advanced in age.  In fact, the police chief in our town called a friend of mine and said, "You need to get your mother to stop driving."  But HE (the police chief) was legally unable to do anything to dissuade her.

You must be prepared for what happens after the car is gone.  My mother-in-law and Mam-ma Polly were both in the habit of running to the store for just one or two items.  So when they needed Jello...or ran out of salt...they hoped in their car and drove to Walmart or a nearby grocery store and got these things.  If they got a hankering for a hamburger at 5:00 p.m., they got in their car and drove to Sonic®, Burger King® or McDonalds® and ordered whatever they pleased.  Your senior will have a major period of adjustment as he/she realizes that the vehicle really is no longer available for these spontaneous trips.

You must also be prepared to do more shuttles, and some serious scheduling may have to take place.  When I was driving my grandmother, it worked best for me to do all of her errands on one day (as much as possible). For us, this was Friday afternoon.  I took her to the beauty shop, and while she was there, I went to the pharmacy and got her medicine and handled any other errands she had on the list.  Most of the time, she gave me her grocery list, and I bought the items while she got her hair done. Then when we got home, I unloaded everything for her and helped her put it away. 

Schedules are good, but there will be unexpected doctor appointments, times that your loved one wants to visit a friend or attend a party or other function, and more.  I could not persuade my grandmother to ride the church bus that would have gladly picked her up and delivered her back to her home.  She said she didn't want to wait - or to be the last one returned home.  Well, somebody has to be first and last!  Thankfully, a fellow church member lived nearby and picked her up most days - and sometimes my mother and her husband were in town and were able to take Mam-ma to church.  But my point is that there will be some necessary schedule adjustments for your loved one - AND for YOU!

The other thing you have to figure out is what to do with the car. Sometimes this works out fairly easily...and other times, it's a real bone of contention.  People are attached to their vehicles...and worries that they won't bring a decent price can be a concern for an elderly person, in particular. Some will want to keep the car in the carport or garage with the promise that "I won't drive it."  That is probably not a good idea...and that promise will end up being broken in an "emergency."  I know people who are in an Assisted Living Facility and have a car sitting in the parking lot, just because it makes them feel good to know it's there!  I also know one person whose children disconnected the spark plug, just in case he tried to take off in said vehicle!  My best advice is to figure out a way to get rid of the car - even if you have to be pretty creative in doing so. Remove any and all temptation  - and possibility - for the senior to drive.

In her book, When Heads and Hearts Collide, my mother talks about a conversation she had with my grandmother, in which Grandmother told Mother, "I don't want you to be my Mother!"  Believe me, that was not a role Mother relished.  But just as our parents told us when we could begin to drive - and were most likely heavily involved in helping us acquire our first car - or maybe YOU have done this for your own teenagers...many of us will come to a point where we have to "parent" our parents or grandparents - and help them make some life-changing decisions about driving.

At the end of the day, the goal is to keep our loved ones - and all others on the roadways - safe from an injury...or worse.  There may be some heated discussions and a few tense moments in the journey, but this is generally a necessary challenge that must be addressed.  A fender-bender and dealing with insurance agents, injured parties and more can be a frustrating experience...but a more serious accident could be life-changing.  The question of who is driving the car is an important one to answer...and worth any hassle and heartache on the front end.

Promises and Boundaries Are Closer Than We Think!

My cousin and his wife are expecting their first baby in September, and I co-hosted a baby shower for them this weekend... held Sunday afternoon at another cousin's home.  Since I was hosting, Mom and my sister volunteered to get my grandmother to the shower.  My sister even visited Mam-ma at the retirement center on Friday and told her, "I will come over around 1:00 p.m. and help you dress."  The shower was from 2:00 - 4:00 p.m.  Mam-ma said she probably would not need help dressing, but 1:00 would be fine.

Saturday morning, my phone rang... Mam-ma.  "I don't know how I'm going to get to that party."  I reminded her that my sister was taking her.  "Oh... well... I didn't know."  "Remember?  She told you yesterday that she was coming to help you dress.  Why would you think she wouldn't come?"  "Well, you know... people have other things to do!"  Funny how she considered my sister's schedule... and this will be important later in this post!

I assured Mam-ma that Suzanne was indeed coming to get her... and should something arise, my mom had said she would step in and serve as the taxi.  I thought I had her convinced all was well, and we hung up.

That afternoon, my niece phoned from Texas, where she and the babies are staying with her boyfriend's family while he works in that area.  We visited, and she put Timothy on the line to speak with us.  He asked about all of us... the kitties, Grandma "E" (my husband's mother), Great-granny (my mother), and then... the moon?  "Yes," I assured him, "the moon is still here, and we will look at it when you come to visit."  (We'll also read about it in his favorite "night-night" books!) 

Saturday evening, my husband and I went out for awhile, and when we returned, there was a message on our machine from my grandmother, "Bring me some light bulbs tomorrow."  Click! (End of message - she hung up!)  Mam-ma is on a kick about needing light bulbs (although she has plenty), so I set aside some light bulbs to deliver to her at the baby shower.

When we got home from church on Sunday, my sister had called... Mam-ma had called her that morning to say she didn't think this would work.  The bottom line was that she had decided she could not eat her lunch and be ready in time for the shower.  Now, lunch is served at noon.  My sister was not coming until 1:00 for a 2:00 shower.  My grandmother was actually trying to back out of attending the shower.  This former social butterfly who never missed anything has become the queen of saying she wants to go to something all the way up to time for the event, then backing out.

So when my sister and Mam-ma arrived at the shower, Mam-ma was muttering, "I shouldn't have come.  I shouldn't have come."  We assured her that all was well, and yes, she needed to be there.  I think she had a good time, but she told me again, "I shouldn't have come."  And as we helped her to the car, she began to cry and said, "I shouldn't have come."  We assured her that we were all glad she was there, and everything had been fine.  But we can see the pattern emerging... she has curtailed her Wal-Mart trips to almost zero.  I used to drop her at home after beauty shop day, and she and her friend Ruby would beat me back to Wal-Mart!  Now she is making a shopping list and sending it to Wal-Mart with the Activities Director.  She said recently, "I guess I'm just too old to shop at Wal-Mart any more."

My sister had alerted me during the shower that a cousin was having a retirement party later this week in another city 30 miles away, and Mam-ma planned to ask me to take her.  But after she was so adamant about this shower and how she shouldn't have gone, I hoped she might dismiss going to the next party.  However, by 7:00 p.m., Mam-ma was phoning me... "We got a letter that Martha is having a retirement party.  It's this Friday from 2:00 to 3:00."  No "Will you take me?" or "I would like to go," just "This is when it is." 

I told Mam-ma, "I cannot make this work."  I have too much else going on next weekend.  And this is partly the truth... although the people who "have other things going on" almost never includes me.  Anyway, I told her that I did not think that Martha truly expected her to make the trip and come to her party.  "Oh, yes, she does!" Mam-ma replied.  "She told me so the last time she visited!"  The party is in a courthouse on a downtown square.  Parking is a problem, and the forecast is for triple digit heat. 

I explained to Mam-ma that I didn't feel she was up to the 30-mile ride, followed by a big walk in the heat for a few minutes at a retirement party in a crowd of people.  She said, "Well, if you can't take me, so be it."  I knew she didn't understand, but honestly, by Friday, I figure she would back out anyway... and I truly don't believe she is able.  The changes are subtle, but she is declining, slowly.  I assured her that Martha would understand... although I don't think she was fully convinced.

My grandmother has become very comfortable and secure in her environment at the ALF... and that's not a bad thing.  She knows the "lay of the land" there and has a pretty solid schedule and routine... and she has to make very few decisions.  And this is a great comfort - to her, and to me.  But there are times when she still wants to function in the "outside world" as she did before.  She wants to be a part of social situations and family events... until she considers the logistics of getting ready, getting there, seating and more.  I thought about the birthday party I took her to a few weeks ago, and how well she did.  But this was an event she has attended for years.  She knows exactly where we are going... where she will sit... who will be there, and what will happen.  There is very little element of "newness" there... everything is familiar and comfortable, and I think that is the difference.

Try as we might to assure my grandmother that we can still make some of these things happen, I think she is often far less than convinced.  Both my grandmother and Timothy often ask for "the moon".  These days, delivering on the promise to a child is often far easier.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In the spirit of offering helpful hints/suggestions, I would like to talk about "boundaries."  I am presently reading Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  In this book, the authors talk about how setting boundaries and saying "No" in certain situations is not cruel or selfish.  In fact, sometimes refusing to participate in certain activities is in the best interest of each party... and I think my cousin's retirement party falls in this category.  My husband suggested that I have given my grandmother an "excuse" - she can blame me and her "lack of a ride" for not attending.  Yes, my mother would drive her if she asked... but I've told my mother that I don't feel Mam-ma is physically able to go, and she has agreed with me.

If I felt my grandmother was able to make this party, I would do so.  This cousin is the last remaining niece... the daughter of one of my grandmother's older sisters.  It would mean the world to her to have my grandmother there, I'm sure... but not at the expense of her health and well being. 

I've also taken advantage lately of a service provided by the ALF for driving residents to doctor appointments on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at no additional charge.  My grandmother had a pacemaker check on Tuesday morning at our local hospital.  Thursday afternoon, she had an appointment for an adjustment on her dentures.  The staff at the ALF was able to drive her to both of these.  There was no need for me to go... no doctors were consulted at the hospital, and the dentist has made these adjustments numerous times - there is nothingdiscuss there.  And even if there were, the dentist would be happy to phone me.  So I scheduled the appointments on the days when delivery service was available and made sure I got them on the calendar at the ALF.  And I was able to accomplish some of the things on my own "To-Do" list at home, knowing all was well with my grandmother.

A year ago, when Mam-ma still lived at home, I would have had to take her to the Tuesday a.m. appointment, the Thursday p.m. dentist visit, and to the beauty shop on Friday.  That would have, in essence, eaten up the better part of three days in one week. And often we had weeks like that, followed by a party or church event on the weekend to which Mam-ma expected an escort.  I am so thankful that I now have such reliable assistance available... and people my grandmother trusts.  She appears to be just as confident going to these appointments with a staff member as with me.  In that regard, we have both shifted the boundaries a bit... I'm depending more on the staff for assistance, and she is allowing me to do so!

My point is to examine your situation and ask yourself where you could possibly let go a little and allow others to help... and where you could lovingly step back and say, "I'm not doing this"... because it's the right thing for everyone.