Spunky Seniors

Ruby is my grandmother's best friend. She just celebrated her 90th birthday. Ruby is truly amazing... she doesn't look her age, and she certainly doesn't act it. Besides living alone and doing all of her own yard work, Ruby sews, cooks, and she just renewed her driver's license! Ruby works two days per week for Gladys, another lady who is in my grandmother's Sunday School class (and dominoes - or "Chicken Foot" - circle). Gladys is probably 85. Ruby cooks and cleans for Gladys, and she drives her to her physical therapy appointments and runs other errands for her. Did I mention that Ruby is amazing?!

Ruby's birthday was February 11th. Her family celebrated over the weekend with dinners, flowers, balloons, breakfasts, gifts and more. My mother and I wanted to do something special for Ruby to celebrate her birthday. She is such a blessing to my Mam-ma. They visit every day - in person and by phone. Ruby takes Mam-ma with her to the store and to church on Sundays. In fact, Ruby drives my grandmother a lot of places and does countless things for her every single day. She is a jewel.

While we were having lunch, Ruby told about a "Chicken Foot" party that another friend, Geneva, hosted for all of the ladies on Saturday. Ruby said, "I picked up some of the others and drove them to Geneva's. There were five of us in the car, and I was the only one who didn't have a walker!" We asked what she did with the walkers, and she said, "I folded them up and put them in my trunk!" Did I mention that Ruby is 90?! My mom said "I'm not nearly that old, and it frustrates me to have to worry with just your grandmother's walker! I can't imagine finagling with FOUR of them!"

While we were eating, Ruby said repeatedly that she had enjoyed a wonderful birthday - and an abundance of celebration. She said, "I may never get to have another birthday... you never know... but I hope so." We hope so, too, Ruby... we hope so, too!

Dealing With Disaster

There seems to be a lot of bad news lately, and whether we realize it or not, our children - and our elders - are watching and listening. While they may not readily express their concerns, it is important to keep an open dialog. If you determine that your children or elders are unduly concerned or preoccupied, reassure them. Here are some examples.

• News about a recent tornado in a nearby state or city may cause your loved ones to become nervous that impending thunderstorms in your area are going to bring similar devastation.


• The news of a plane crashing into a home may alarm - and unsettle - your loved ones.
  
• The death of a family member or close friend may cause worry. Children may wonder if their own parents or siblings are going to die. Older persons may wonder, "Am I next?"


• The news of the downturn in the economy may be unsettling. Children may worry that parents will lose their jobs, while older adults may be concerned that they will run out of money.
  

Last week as I drove my grandmother to her hairdresser's, we passed my church. A stonemason is constructing a new columbarium on the church grounds. Mam-ma asked, "What is that?" I explained, and she said yes, she knew what a columbarium was - and she mentioned a couple of other churches in town that have them. Then she added, "Well, I know that is probably cheaper, but I just don't want to be burned." I assured her that she didn't have to be cremated... and that I would not let that happen. In 1981, my grandparents' house burned to the ground, just a few days before Christmas. They lost virtually everything - the beautiful quilts my grandmother had made over the years... her china and photographs...all of their furniture... pretty well everything except their clothing, the mantel clock, the family Bible and one little photo album. The heat was so intense that it disintegrated a cast-iron, claw-foot bathtub. My grandmother's fear of fire is based on an actual event.

Sometimes an older adult will see siblings having strokes or heart attacks and begin to worry, "Will I be next?" While they may not be able to verbalize this concern, it may manifest in other ways, from subtle changes in diet to withdrawal from activities deemed to be triggers for such an illness. After the loss of their grandmother, a friend's children told her and her husband, "We want you to live to be 200!"

We can't shield our children and older adults from television... and news reports in general. So we must keep the lines of communication open and ascertain what may be running through their minds. We must be ready to reassure them that, while bad things DO happen sometimes, the odds are pretty great that a plane is NOT going to hit your house, and tsunamis in North America are unlikely. Discuss ways to combat the negative thoughts...

• For adults, you might suggest they make a list of things that concern them, and then list the odds of those things happening. Another good question to ask is, "What is the WORST that can happen... and what are the odds that it will?" Putting things in perspective... and making a plan to deal with them... can be very helpful.
  
• For children, talk about "when you heard about the tornado, how did that make you feel?" Then discuss ways to keep your family safe... i.e. developing a "safe room" and/or a preparedness kit. Talk about ways you can help victims of disaster - sending money to the Red Cross, donating to a food bank, finding websites where you can post a note of encouragement. Discuss illness and ways to stay healthy - good eating habits, an exercise plan. Talk about loved ones who have become sick or even died and let the child vent his/her feelings - ask any questions - and simply share their heart without reproach. Offer encouragement that is age appropriate. Encourage drawings and play that allows the child to express his/her feelings. My friend's daughter wrote a song about her grandmother that expressed her sadness.

Sometimes our children and our elders behave in a way that can be mind boggling - and out of character, and we scratch our heads and wonder, "Where did THAT come from?" Just maybe this is the result of some current event - either in the daily news, or in their immediate world. Playing detective and determining the cause of the concern - and then addressing it - can go a long ways toward improving everybody's mood.

Share Your Story!

One day last week, I visited with two friends who were struggling with the balancing act of caring for their immediate family - husband, children, and running a business - and meeting the needs and demands of their parents. One of the women said, "I don't want my son's life or my parents' life - I need my OWN life!" I was reminded of my maternal grandmother, who screamed at my mom one day, "I don't want you to be my mother!" Believe me, Mom didn't want to be, either!

My other friend told the all too familiar tale of her dad calling and saying, "You have got to come help me with your mother - she is driving me nuts!" My friend told her dad that she was in the middle of something (i.e. WORKING) - could it wait awhile? Again, I was reminded of my grandmother phoning my mother one afternoon, and when she couldn't reach her, she phoned Mom's next-door neighbor. Mom was walking home after a day of teaching kindergarten, and she had not quite made it to her house. The neighbor flagged her down on the street to tell her, "Your mother is on the phone and needs to speak with you!" Apparently it could NOT wait!

If you have not read my mom's book, "When Heads and Hearts Collide," I highly recommend you do so. I have yet to meet a single person who read it who did not identify personally with the stories she shares. You can order the book at http://www.arlinechandler.com/ - just click on the tab for "Books by Arline." I encourage you to get this book and read it, then let me know how it impacted you... and we will share your thoughts here.

I know many of you are struggling to have a life and "keep all the balls in the air." My mother used to ask, "When will it be MY turn?" I am not sure we all get a "turn," but I do believe there is safety in numbers - and great comfort in hearing the stories of others. So please, share YOUR story with me and other readers of this blog. Either contact me, and I will post it for you - or add your comments here.

I listened to my two friends as they shared their own experiences. Probably my best piece of advice for them was something given me a few years ago by my pastor... "No!" is a complete sentence! I have clung to that thought, and it has served me well. I try to be discreet and discerning in my use of this... but there are times when I simply must say "No!" - to my grandmother, to requests for my time at church and elsewhere, to myself when I start to pile more upon myself than I possibly manage... and sometimes, to a social situation for which I simply do not have the energy. Remember, there is only one YOU... and if others are depending on you in times of real need, you will need to conserve your energy - and your sanity - for when it really counts!

Order the book - send your stories - and hang in there!

Thinking Like a Child

Today is the day for the memorial service for JoAnn Miles, mother of my former pastor, John, and his sisters Beka and Debi. I have shared posts from Beka here in recent weeks. After her mother passed away earlier this week, she wrote about the reaction of her little girls, ages 8 and 10:

When the girls woke up this morning, we all got in our big bed, and Len and I told them about mom’s death. They were both crying and sad. Katherine was also little ticked off. “I only got to know mammaw for 8 years and yall got to know her for a lot more years than that. Mammaw was a fun mammaw. It’s not fair.” They are going to miss out on so much. I’ve been crying a lot of the day, and Anna brought me various stuffed animals for comfort as well as a quilt mom had made for me when I was a girl. Katherine has been coming up and patting me and telling me it’s going to be okay and adding, “At least mammaw gets to go be with HER mommy now.” She has also been unhappy several times with the level of attention that her dad and sister were giving me. Several times I saw her shoot them a dirty look, jerk her head toward me, and whisper out the side of her mouth, “Get over here and COMFORT her.” She is her grandmother’s granddaughter. She not only goes the extra, but, by God, she is going make sure everybody else does too. (Len and Anna, by the way, went the extra mile and were great by my standards – just not by Katherine’s.)

I was reminded of my niece, Jasmine, and how traumatic it was for her when my brother died ten years ago, followed by the death of my dad just 13 months later. Jasmine was 8 when my brother died - 10 when she lost her Pap-pa. Death is hard to explain to children... the finality of it, much less the "why" it happened. Jasmine knew both her Uncle Tim and her Pap-pa were very sick, but still a child has as many (or more) questions as an adult. To help her feel a part of things, we asked her to create a drawing each time for the cover of the program folder at the funeral. I remembered that the young son of a schoolmate of mine, who lost a battle with breast cancer, had done this for her funeral. He drew his mother himself, and his brother, and he added a caption... "Mom is in heaven now... she will have hair." Jasmine worked so hard on her own drawings. I can still see her hunched over her pictures. Her Pap-pa's included fishing - one of his favorite activities, and her Uncle Tim's included his dog, Carmen. At the visitations, people stopped this little girl and complimented her on the artwork, which gave them something to say to her and also made her feel like she was an integral part of things.

I am also reminded of my little cousin, Olivia, who was only a little better than 2 years old when her Grand-dad passed away. She loved her "Gone-gone," and he adored her. In his last hours of life, the family gathered at his home, and Olivia was front and center. I spent much of the last two days with her - reading, singing, and playing... and otherwise engaging her so that she was not aware of the sadness of those around her. She knew something was happening, but by keeping her entertained and busy, we were able to enjoy Her brightness and joy without causing her any alarm. She knew people around her were sad, but we managed to keep our sadness from upsetting her, and that was a blessing for everyone.

We concentrate so much on the elderly side of this "sandwich" sometimes that we tend to overlook the thoughts and needs of our younger family and friends. Then we are surprised when they tell us something that has been on their mind or share an emotion they are experiencing. I know we have a lot of balls to juggle sometimes, but we have to stop and look at the young people and put things in perspective. How are we reacting to situations in our lives, and what is that saying to our children? I remember very well that my maternal grandmother was not at all fond of her mother-in-law, and she transferred a lot of her negative feelings to me and my siblings. It was not until I was a young woman that I began to realize just how special my great-grandmother had been - what a hard worker she was on her farm - how she made quilts and was a good cook - and what hardships she endured in her lifetime. I saw her only through my grandmother's colored glasses, and I missed a lot in the process!

We must be careful to balance our perspective... and I do include myself in this. I know it is challenging to meet the needs - and the demands - of some of our elderly loved ones and friends. But our children are watching what we do - and how we react - and they are forming their opinions and attitudes based upon ours. It is NOT fair that some children don't get to know their grandparents for very long - if at all. It is not fair that our children have to see us sad and upset and frustrated and mad - especially over an older person who is in our care. But there are lessons for ALL of us in each of life's experiences. It is up to us to make sure that they are good ones.

You Can't Take It With You!

This crazy story happened to a young friend of mine a couple of years ago. As primary caregiver for her grandfather, Mickey* juggled the responsibility of her Pops and her own small children, plus a career. Each week, Mickey took her Pops to his favorite fast-food restaurant for a meal. One particular week, she picked him up for lunch, with her young son and infant daughter in tow.

Mickey's Pops had trouble keeping up with the handset to his cordless telephone, so he made a habit of keeping it in his shirt pocket each day. When Mickey picked up her Pops for lunch, he was wearing his house slippers, khaki pants, and a shirt (with the handset in his pocket). He announced that he needed to stop at Wal-Mart for a few things - namely a new wristwatch. They ate lunch and then headed for Wal-Mart.

Mickey took her Pops to the jewelry counter and helped him select a wristwatch, and he put it on at the counter. Then he said, "I have to go to the bathroom." Mickey asked her 8-year-old son to escort Pops to the Men's room. Meanwhile, Pops needed corn pads, too, so Mickey took her baby and headed for the Health and Beauty Aids section to find corn pads. By the time she met her son and Pops at the check-out line, Pops announced that he was tired and said, "I'm going outside and sit on a bench." As he headed for the bench in the store entryway, he tripped the alarm in the doorway, because he was wearing the new watch (which had yet to be paid for at the register). Of course, Wal-Mart Associates came running. The next thing Mickey knew, these associates had Pops standing at the Service Desk, pockets emptied, and he was saying, "But that's MY telephone."

The Associates thought Mickey's Pops had stolen the handset from the Wal-Mart Electronics department. He was frantically trying to tell them it was his - he had brought it from home. Mickey came to his rescue and also tried to explain that he kept his handset in his pocket so he would remember where it was, and yes, this was HIS handset from HIS house. They were not believing her. Mickey opened her Pops' wallet and showed them multiple $100 bills. She said, "Look... he HAS money. He doesn't need to steal anything." Still the associates were not believing her. There she stood with her Pops, who was tired and kept trying to go back outside and sit down, an infant and an 8-year-old, and she was being accused of lying - and her Pops of being a thief!

Totally frustrated, Mickey looked up to see the store manager coming in the front door. Fortunately, she knew this man, and he recognized her and came to her rescue. She explained the situation, and he told the Associates to let Mickey and her Pops pay for the watch and other items and be on their way.

Needless to say, that day brought far more than Mickey bargained for! I imagine she checked her Pops' pockets fairly closely before leaving home the next time! Do you have a similar story? We'd like to hear from you!

*Name changed.

Medicine - to Take or Not to Take

A few weeks ago, I arrived at my grandmother's and began dispensing her medications into her daily pill boxes. She said, "I haven't had any of "Such-and-such" pill for several days now. I questioned her, and she could not tell me WHY that pill was not in the compartment, but she said, "So I haven't taken that pill in about 3 days." I asked, "Why didn't you get them out of the bottle and take them?" (since she is always telling me that she could put her own pills in the boxes and doesn't really need my help). Her answer... "Well, since they weren't in there, I figured you didn't aim for me to take them!" I have to admit, I was dumbfounded by this, and assured her that yes, I did intend for her to take them, and regardless of WHY they weren't in the boxes, she should have gotten some from her bottle and taken them - or called me to come fix things!

So, I had to laugh when I got this post from my friend Beka, whose mom JoAnn has been hospitalized for probably 8 weeks or better now. She discovered that her dad was not taking some of his medication. She writes...

• Dad stays on his regular routine and is doing well with only the occasional glitch. For example, we thought Dad was taking all of his medications until this conversation yesterday. “Are you taking all of your medications, dad?” “Yes, darling, I am . . . except for one. I don’t know what it is for, so I don’t take it.” “Dad, have you ever known what all your medications were for?” “No. But JoAnn knows what they are for, and she usually gives them to me to take. When JoAnn is well, I don’t need to know what they are for.”
  
  So, Dad and Uncle Warren are going to swing by his doctors office to pick up a list of the medications he is suppose to be taking. Mom is much more responsive now than she has been, but she is nowhere near ready to start answering our questions about dad’s medications. We are just happy when she smiles.

As if this weren't bizarre enough, last week I was driving my grandmother home from her beauty shop appointment, and we were talking about someone we know who suffers from neuropathy. Mam-ma said, "I told my friend Ruby that she has pain pills from her doctor, and when she hurts, she ought to take one. That's what I do." I asked, "...you take what, exactly... Tylenol?" "No," she replied, "I take one of those pills the doctor gave me." "What doctor? When?" I asked. "Well, long before you came on the scene!" she tells me. "The doctor gave me some pills for when I hurt so bad, and I just take a half of one." I didn't ask any more, but I didn't know what sort of pill she meant. We got home and I was unpacking her groceries, and she opens a kitchen cabinet and fishes behind her dinner plates and retrieves a pill bottle. "This is them," she says, handing me the pills. The label is so worn I cannot make out all of the date, but I know we have not used this pharmacist in several years. Thankfully the bottle was about 2/3 full, and I could see a half a caplet inside - she had said she only takes one half caplet at a time. I read the name of the pill, but it didn't mean much to me until I looked it up at home on the Internet. It's Darvocet!

I don't know if you have experience with this drug, but my maternal grandmother took them like candy, and she didn't know what planet she was on much of the time. My Mam-ma also takes a "nerve pill" - Ativan - as needed, and I don't know whether she combines this with the Darvocet, but probably. There is nothing I can do... obviously since she hid them behind the DINNER PLATES, and didn't keep them in her pill box, she didn't intend for anyone to know she has them. And my consolation is that 1) the bottle IS 2/3 full, so she isn't taking much, if any, and 2) they are old enough they probably have lost much of their potency. But I can no longer show the list of medications I have for her and say with certainty, THIS is all she is taking! I have no clue what other "hidden treasures" she has in her home. When my mother's parents moved to a nursing facility, she found random pills all over the house - even in a shoe in their closet!

I know others of you have similar stories, so c'mon... SHARE!

Is it the Pink Pill?

Last week some "bug" kicked my butt again, and I ended up spending a few days in bed. My mother is in town, and she promptly offered to take my grandmother to the beauty shop on Thursday. I accepted the offer, and it was a good thing, because Thursday was one of the days I could not get out of bed. So I was napping just after noon, and the phone rang - it was my grandmother.

Mam-ma: "Debbie, I don't know WHEN I've been to the doctor... I haven't been in a long time."
Me: "Okay...." (wondering... where is this headed... does she expect me to take her today?)
Mam-ma: "But today I got a letter in the mail from Medicare about a visit, and I don't remember a-goin'."
Me: "Is it a bill?"
Mam-ma: "Well, no..." and she starts to read it to me... "it says it's from the 9th of the ninth month of 2008." I'm looking on my calendar to see if we went to her family physician around that time in September, as it sounds familiar. I asked if it says what the visit was for, and she reads me a diagnosis that is for removal of some lesion.
Me: "That is for that place that the doctor froze off your nose."
Mam-ma: "My NOSE?!"
Me: "Yes, your nose... don't you remember, he looked at your nose and froze a place off it for you? When we went in about something else?" Well, she sorta remembered. Me again: "But it's not a bill, right?"
Mam-ma: "No... it's just a print-out. But I didn't remember we went to the doctor in September."

We did - two days early, as a matter of fact... she couldn't wait for her appointment! My mother had driven out of her driveway on September 8th for a 3-month trip, and the next day Mam-ma started to decline. She had a regular checkup scheduled for September 11th, but by the 9th, she could wait no longer!

Then she proceeds to tell me she got a letter from Aetna, and they are not going to pay for her Avapro.

Me: "But they ARE going to pay. I told you that. Your doctor got an exception on that drug. Just put that letter aside and I will stick it in your file." I tell her this twice and explain that Aetna agreed to pay for Avapro, but not Aciphex. Yes, she remembers about Aciphex, and she thinks the Nexium will be just fine as a substitute. She starts reading me the letter... how Aetna paid for Avapro in January but she will have to try other drugs first before they will approve it again.

Finally, I stopped her again... "Mam-ma... your doctor's nurse has already called Aetna about that and told them you are NOT trying other drugs, and Aetna agreed. It's taken care of. Just set that aside, and I will get it next week for your file."

Mam-ma: "Well... okay... I just didn't know if it was urgent or not."

I assured her it was not urgent - that it had been handled. I added, "You need to get ready - Momma will be to get you soon!" (Her appointment was for 1:30 - it was now nearly 1:00.) She said she had told my mother to call first and she'd open the garage door for her as we were having sub-freezing weather and she had her garage door closed. I told her, "She may be trying to call you now!" So she said good-bye - she DID say it! - and hung up. Sometimes she just hangs up when she is finished talking! You'll hear a "click" and you know she is done!

Wednesday it was her food stamps... Thursday it was the drugs. Bless her heart, I think she just goes into a panic mode when she thinks I am sick... and she comes up with all sorts of things that need my attention, like I am not going to feel better in a few days and she doesn't have others to help her in the meantime. My husband says it is just an excuse to talk to me. And that may be partly correct, because I have not heard another word from her since!

Wednesday, she had phoned to check on how I was feeling and to tell me that there was a letter in her mailbox telling her that she was approved for $14 a month in Food Stamps... something I had told her myself a few days earlier. Apparently we each got a letter, and mine arrived a few days ahead of hers. Anyway, in the course of the conversation, her medicine was mentioned, and she said, "Well, I'm out of night-time medicine." I questioned this, and she told me that her pill dispenser for Wednesday evening was empty. "Where did the pills go?" I asked, knowing I had filled enough for her to have medication through Thursday noon. She didn't know, but there was nothing in there. She was supposed to have two pills - her thyroid medication and her night-time Coreg for blood pressure. Lately, I've noticed that quite often, the night-time medicine is still in the dispenser compartments. If she gets sidetracked or has dinner away from home, she forgets to take this medicine. Since it is so important - the only dose for her thyroid each day and one half of her daily blood pressure medication - I have been concerned that she was forgetting. Now, she was coming up short - did she think she hadn't taken it and take a double dose?
Over the phone, I tried to talk her through putting night-time medicine in that compartment... and to quiz her about whether she had enough medicine for the next day, knowing that when my mom arrived, she was going to fill the dispensers again for the following week. Yes, she had the Thursday medicine. And now, somehow, she had a "pink pill" in her Wednesday night box. That would be the Synthroid for her thyroid. Did she have a white pill (Coreg)? No... just the pink one. So I talked her through finding the Coreg pill in her little tray, and I prayed that she had indeed found the right one. Meanwhile, she found a bottle of "green pills." NO... don't take those! Those were the pills for blood sugar that she was prescribed in October and didn't need/never took... I should have already tossed them... but I had left them in her box for some reason, and now she was looking them over. She said she would put them in the trash. I hope she did. I made a mental note to doublecheck that when I go next!

So, now we have confusion about the medicine, and I wonder how much longer Mam-ma will be able to manage at home alone. I know how critical it is that she take that medication properly and not over - or under - medicate. And I am doing all I can by putting it in the dispensers without physically going to her house and dispensing it three times a day, and neither of us wants that! So it just is what it is... for now.

I had to laugh... one of the same days all of this was happening, my former pastor's sister Beka posted this about her dad on her mom's CaringBridge site.

Uncle Warren and Aunt Joy went with Dad to see a movie at the library – one of Dad’s favorites – "O Brother Where Art Thou." When I talked to them they were on their way to the library by way of a route that Dad did not know. So Dad was complaining to Uncle Warren, who was driving. The conversation went like this:

Dad: Where are you taking me? I’ve never been on this road in my life.
Warren: Yes you have, John.
Dad: This is not the way to the library.
Warren: Yes it is, John.
Dad: It isn’t either. O Brother Where Art Thou? O Brother Where Art Thou? . . . I have never been on this road in my life . . . . . oh yeah, there’s the Shirley's house . . I know where we are now.

I know just how he feels. I think there are days when we all wonder if anyone knows where they are going! I hope you have clear pathways this week and all of your pills are in the right compartments!